NurseRatchet
New Here
I have a history of significant childhood physical and emotional abuse from my mother, lack of protection from my father, and sexual abuse at age 12 from a family friend. I thought I did really well facing what happened to me as a child. I got my stuff together and was a productive member of society.
As an adult serving in the US Navy, I was raped. That was 27 years ago. I have stumbled through life since then. I changed careers and became a nurse. Had episodes of wonderful success marred by fear of males I encountered at work that led to quitting a job or being fired.
Beginning two years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD and began getting (some) treatment from the US Veteran's Administration. It hasn't helped much and I'm barely holding on.
Complicating my treatment are several factors. Firstly, I am becoming increasingly physically disabled. I walk with difficulty with a cane, fall frequently, have advanced cataracts that have left me legally blind, and have arthritis in my hands that prevents me from doing many basic tasks. This disability has left me increasingly hypervigilant and fearful as I can neither see a threat coming nor defend myself. My new physician at the VA does not believe in using opioids for non-malignant pain, nor will he refer me for alternative treatments. For the past year I have been prescribed only ibuprofen and live with a chronic high level of pain.
Secondly, I had to stop working seven years ago due to the PTSD. My partner and I moved to a remote rural location to decrease my exposure to triggers. At the time I was physically able to handle building a homestead and managing livestock chores. Now I feel shamed and angry at myself that I can no longer handle my share of the work at home. Because I can't work for a paycheck, we have significant money problems. Because I haven't worked in so long, I am not eligible for any disability benefits from the US Social Security Administration. Because I took so long to deal with the Navy rape, the US Veterans Administration has denied my claim for service connection and the attendant monetary benefit.
Finally, the really difficult issue. I have had issues with my sexual orientation most of my life. Until I was 33, I suspected I might be homosexual, but was never sure and avoided any type of physical contact. The rape incident in the Navy was in the form of blackmail... "Either you sleep with me or I will tell your command that you're queer." I didn't know what I was then, but I knew that the accusation alone would get me thrown out of the Navy. It was my first sexual adult sexual encounter. Now I know I am queer. I've been with my partner for 19 years, but the relationship has platonic for most of that time. Despite recent changes in public acceptance of homosexuality, I am unable to accept myself.
As an adult serving in the US Navy, I was raped. That was 27 years ago. I have stumbled through life since then. I changed careers and became a nurse. Had episodes of wonderful success marred by fear of males I encountered at work that led to quitting a job or being fired.
Beginning two years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD and began getting (some) treatment from the US Veteran's Administration. It hasn't helped much and I'm barely holding on.
Complicating my treatment are several factors. Firstly, I am becoming increasingly physically disabled. I walk with difficulty with a cane, fall frequently, have advanced cataracts that have left me legally blind, and have arthritis in my hands that prevents me from doing many basic tasks. This disability has left me increasingly hypervigilant and fearful as I can neither see a threat coming nor defend myself. My new physician at the VA does not believe in using opioids for non-malignant pain, nor will he refer me for alternative treatments. For the past year I have been prescribed only ibuprofen and live with a chronic high level of pain.
Secondly, I had to stop working seven years ago due to the PTSD. My partner and I moved to a remote rural location to decrease my exposure to triggers. At the time I was physically able to handle building a homestead and managing livestock chores. Now I feel shamed and angry at myself that I can no longer handle my share of the work at home. Because I can't work for a paycheck, we have significant money problems. Because I haven't worked in so long, I am not eligible for any disability benefits from the US Social Security Administration. Because I took so long to deal with the Navy rape, the US Veterans Administration has denied my claim for service connection and the attendant monetary benefit.
Finally, the really difficult issue. I have had issues with my sexual orientation most of my life. Until I was 33, I suspected I might be homosexual, but was never sure and avoided any type of physical contact. The rape incident in the Navy was in the form of blackmail... "Either you sleep with me or I will tell your command that you're queer." I didn't know what I was then, but I knew that the accusation alone would get me thrown out of the Navy. It was my first sexual adult sexual encounter. Now I know I am queer. I've been with my partner for 19 years, but the relationship has platonic for most of that time. Despite recent changes in public acceptance of homosexuality, I am unable to accept myself.
