Are there signs that can help someone tell if PTSD is being exaggerated? My husband has been diagnosed from his time in the Coast Guard 20 years ago. If you have PTSD can you be completely fine to your kids and others but completely detached and almost emotionally abusive to your wife?? I am constantly blamed for everything. The way he treats me is my fault. He puts on a show so no one will know and is very engaged and interested in our kids. But as far as me....he is the way he is because of ptsd. He blames me for everything because that is just the way he thinks now..because he has ptsd. He sounds like a ptsd walking pamphlet and uses it as an excuse. He was diagnosed over a year and a half ago. He will go for minimal treatment. Only when he has to. Is this normal for a ptsd sufferer? Can you pick and choose who sufferers the effects of you illness and justify it because you have ptsd and that is just what you do?..Please help.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Relationship Signs A Spouse Is Exaggerating Ptsd
- Post starter ShanaK
- Start date
- Status
I imagine it is possible. Especially if those connections to others a brief and superficial. However my experience was that I hated everyone equally, including myself.
It is for some. Especially early on. Some refuse treatment all together. Others jump in to treatment with both feet desperate to try anything to ease the pain.
Are you asking or stating?
I'm sure that there are people to use PTSD to justify their bad behaviour. Unfortunately there is really no way of knowing for sure. Only he knows.
Either way you don't have to just sit by and take the abuse.
Isobel Wolf
Bronze Member
PTSD or any mental illness isn't an excuse for being an a-hole at best or abuser at worst, even if it's an underlying cause. Still, it's not the cause, it's the net effect or a person's actions, and you can't absolve an adult of responsibility for how he negatively affects another's life.
It's unfair to accuse him of exaggerating his symptoms because you don't know what's going on in his mind. Milking your tolerance of his actions and blaming PTSD indicates other psychological issues, or at least bad communication habits. Usually this dynamic will stem from his family of origin's dynamic. Do you remind him of a parent or sibling?
If you've accepted the walking pamphlet accountability shrugging in the past, he's likely to keep using it until you respond differently. You are not an emotional punching bag, and you have your own issues that have led to you being in a position where you are accepting mistreatment.
Have you spoken with a therapist? Perhaps couples' therapy would be a helpful place be since this is not just about him but how he's affecting you, so you can have tools to respond and he can hear an objective analysis of your communication style as a couple and the underlying problems.
It's unfair to accuse him of exaggerating his symptoms because you don't know what's going on in his mind. Milking your tolerance of his actions and blaming PTSD indicates other psychological issues, or at least bad communication habits. Usually this dynamic will stem from his family of origin's dynamic. Do you remind him of a parent or sibling?
If you've accepted the walking pamphlet accountability shrugging in the past, he's likely to keep using it until you respond differently. You are not an emotional punching bag, and you have your own issues that have led to you being in a position where you are accepting mistreatment.
Have you spoken with a therapist? Perhaps couples' therapy would be a helpful place be since this is not just about him but how he's affecting you, so you can have tools to respond and he can hear an objective analysis of your communication style as a couple and the underlying problems.
Sure. Consciously you can. But that isn't because of the PTSD. A true PTSD 'trigger' so to speak would be an issue with everyone, not just one person. Unless of course, that one person is a trigger in and of themselves. But given that you state he has control over his reaction when there are other people around, I would guess that to be more a character issue. If it wasn't a conscious decision then he wouldn't be able to adjust his behaviour with others around.
- Post starter
- #5
Oh trust me. Do not accept or take the mistreatment. I have told him such and call him on it. But, that being said we have 3 kids and are in no position to separate. He won't go to counseling with me.ive tried. I'm also not like anyone in his family. As far as the past pamphlet.. that is what he sounds like when he lists off his symptoms as to why he treats me the way he does. He is a cop and doesn't seem to suffer to any great degree anywhere in his job or other relationships. We are fine as long as I walk a straight line and let him be and do how he is and wants. I'm not like that. And I a hot head. No. Have I tried to get him to get help and counseling in whatever way he wanted? Yes. Do I believe he has mild ptsd? Yes. Do I believe he suffers from depression? Yes, but so does his whole family and his is just like theirs to the t. I don't see much correlation between how his ptsd is and others I know and people I have talked to. I have also found sheets from his VA pysche appts where he has lied about things he does at night by way of manifesting his ptsd. It was a complete fabrication.
Justmehere
Sponsor
33 percent of active duty functional police officers have enough symptoms to qualify for the diagnosis of the major mental health condition of PTSD. And they continue in their jobs.
Many people with PTSD are able to function and yet have true and real battles in family life. It's really quite common. In fact, for some people, work life is an escape from the symptoms.
He may be exaggerating it. He may not be. There is so much stigma and such a heavy downside to having PTSD, especially in law enforcement culture, I'm extremely reluctant to say someone in that field is exaggerating it. If someone is doing so, then they still have a very serious mental health problem if they feel the need to erroneously exaggerate a horrible and stigmatized mental health condition for whatever reason they are doing so. He could be malingering or goodness knows what else. It's not a sign of health to be sure. I was very good at hiding PTSD from loved ones. In fact, it's quite common for family to miss the signs of even a major mental health condition.
It's unclear what you believe he is fabricating about his nighttime symptoms. Perhaps you could explain more?
It's also a little unclear how he is using it as an excuse. Could you give an example?
Your description of his actions is limited, but there isn't anything that you describe him doing that is inconsistent with someone having PTSD.
In fact, he could be dealing with "learned helplessness" - which can develop after trauma for some people. It's quite treatable, but often people do not invest in the hard work it takes to get better until they are faced with natural consequences of their unhealthy behavior and run into the boundaries of others.
Learned helplessness and/or PTSD, no matter how severe, isn't a license to be a jerk or an excuse for hurtful behavior.
Advoidance of treatment is quite common. Especially for law enforcement. It's a huge cultural issues within the law enforcement world. Being vulnerable and needing help is so looked down upon. Good trauma therapy is hellish and means having to be really vulnerable. It's helpful to get treatment, but it's not a walk in the park. So many people go to very great lengths to avoid it. It's the hardest thing I've ever done short of enduring severe trauma itself. Really.
Instead of trying to change him, which you have no control over, you may have more success if you focus on the one person you do have control over: you. Set and keep boundaries (which are not about changing the other person but setting limits about what we will and will not do.) Communicate what you need in a clear but non-confrontational manner. Consider individual counseling to work on communication, self care, etc. You could also go to marriage counseling without him, and his drive to prove he has PTSD and general defensiveness might get him to eventually join you. If not, you will still have some support and advice on how to handle all of this and the on-going stress on you.
My heart goes out to you, this is hard stuff to be dealing with. :hug:
Many people with PTSD are able to function and yet have true and real battles in family life. It's really quite common. In fact, for some people, work life is an escape from the symptoms.
He may be exaggerating it. He may not be. There is so much stigma and such a heavy downside to having PTSD, especially in law enforcement culture, I'm extremely reluctant to say someone in that field is exaggerating it. If someone is doing so, then they still have a very serious mental health problem if they feel the need to erroneously exaggerate a horrible and stigmatized mental health condition for whatever reason they are doing so. He could be malingering or goodness knows what else. It's not a sign of health to be sure. I was very good at hiding PTSD from loved ones. In fact, it's quite common for family to miss the signs of even a major mental health condition.
It's unclear what you believe he is fabricating about his nighttime symptoms. Perhaps you could explain more?
It's also a little unclear how he is using it as an excuse. Could you give an example?
Your description of his actions is limited, but there isn't anything that you describe him doing that is inconsistent with someone having PTSD.
In fact, he could be dealing with "learned helplessness" - which can develop after trauma for some people. It's quite treatable, but often people do not invest in the hard work it takes to get better until they are faced with natural consequences of their unhealthy behavior and run into the boundaries of others.
Learned helplessness and/or PTSD, no matter how severe, isn't a license to be a jerk or an excuse for hurtful behavior.
Advoidance of treatment is quite common. Especially for law enforcement. It's a huge cultural issues within the law enforcement world. Being vulnerable and needing help is so looked down upon. Good trauma therapy is hellish and means having to be really vulnerable. It's helpful to get treatment, but it's not a walk in the park. So many people go to very great lengths to avoid it. It's the hardest thing I've ever done short of enduring severe trauma itself. Really.
Instead of trying to change him, which you have no control over, you may have more success if you focus on the one person you do have control over: you. Set and keep boundaries (which are not about changing the other person but setting limits about what we will and will not do.) Communicate what you need in a clear but non-confrontational manner. Consider individual counseling to work on communication, self care, etc. You could also go to marriage counseling without him, and his drive to prove he has PTSD and general defensiveness might get him to eventually join you. If not, you will still have some support and advice on how to handle all of this and the on-going stress on you.
My heart goes out to you, this is hard stuff to be dealing with. :hug:
Last edited:
Carmen J. Brown
Bronze Member
Nothing justifies abuse of any kind. And while I'm sure it's possible to exaggerate it PTSD, what your dealing with (intentional abuse) sounds more like borderline personality disorder than PTSD. (Or both?) it has a lot of the same symptoms and stuff the only difference is that BPD is a form of narcissism. I'm sorry that you are going through this and if your spouse truly only has PTSD, that doesn't justify the abuse. You are worth so much more than your spouse is making you feel.
I don't believe it's a question of whether or not the reactions are exaggerated, Shana.
The reactions are real.
That, however, doesn't mean they should, or have to, be abusive.
That doesn't mean you should put up with things that are breaking you.
grimalkin
Gold Member
I'm ashamed to admit I'd wondered if my soon to be ex was exaggerating, either his trauma, or his symptoms. But, the more I researched, the more I realized it was all part of the "package" of PTSD. Whatever his trauma was, it affected his brain and stress responses, so the illness is very real. So many sufferers are able to function in the outside world, and lose it at home. My sufferer, too, was in law enforcement, so the distraction and hyper-awareness he needed on the job required him to be present and functional.
@ShanaK You may get the brunt of his outbursts and crap because you're the one closest to him, so he is pushing you away. He may be in a headspace where, while you aren't anything like another human stressor in his life, you are still close enough (even just being a woman, or strong or...whatever the stressor person is) that his illness is kicking in around you. As an example, I am nothing like his mother, one of his abusers, and he admits this. I am, however, a strong woman, mentally and physically, which IS enough like his mother to make him...maybe not have flashbacks with me, but not quite see ME, either. Dealing with a strong female personality I've seen, for him, is difficult.
There could be so many things going on. As @Justmehere said, you can only control yourself. You don't need to put up with his behavior, and you can't change it, so it's up to you to decide what YOU will do with it.
@ShanaK You may get the brunt of his outbursts and crap because you're the one closest to him, so he is pushing you away. He may be in a headspace where, while you aren't anything like another human stressor in his life, you are still close enough (even just being a woman, or strong or...whatever the stressor person is) that his illness is kicking in around you. As an example, I am nothing like his mother, one of his abusers, and he admits this. I am, however, a strong woman, mentally and physically, which IS enough like his mother to make him...maybe not have flashbacks with me, but not quite see ME, either. Dealing with a strong female personality I've seen, for him, is difficult.
There could be so many things going on. As @Justmehere said, you can only control yourself. You don't need to put up with his behavior, and you can't change it, so it's up to you to decide what YOU will do with it.
Isobel Wolf
Bronze Member
Right. His way or the highway. You standing up for yourself is interpreted by him, from the sounds of it, as insensitivity. I was in no way suggesting throwing the baby out with the bathwater! Relationships are work- both people must work, not one tolerate and swallow their feelings on the matter because that creates resentment, and one digging their heels in about their responsibility. You are both navigating his minefield but you are expected to be the martyr. That's the role the partner of the sufferer seems to fall into but it's so much also the social mandate for the wife. A professional third party might be able to get through to him, especially if he identified your communication style with that of someone in his past that he feels like he has to resist or tread on in order to have agency in the relationship.
- Post starter
- #11
H
While in coast guard about 22 years ago a boat was in fire. My husband was on the boat making the drug bust without any safety equipment. He was afraid it was going to explode he says. What he lied to the psyche doc about was he told her he gets up at night smelling smoke and checks the house. This is absolutely false and he has never done this. I wake up every time he moves at night and have for the last 18 years. He tells me everything is my fault...the way he resents me and stays mad at me is all my fault. He literally changed over night from a loving husband to someone who won't touch me with a 10 foot poll and has no interest in me. When I asked him what was going on it was all my fault in the way of things I've done in the past...ooookaaay...then there was well now that we are getting VA money he doesn't feel the need to fight for me or to keep me anymore. Alrighty. He doesn't want me hugging him, touching him nothing. He wants me to stay in my lane and behave. If I don't, if I question one little thing if I come to him gently whatever....he gets mad and everything is my fault. Then every once in a blue moon he will say I'm sorry. I know it's me. But that's what I do now. Ptsd people avoid and my thinking isn't logical and this and that and the other because that's what people with ptsd do. Not interested in anything other than me leaving him alone but tending to the boys and supper and not asking anything or expecting anything. This happened overnight a little over a year ago after being together for 17 years.
While in coast guard about 22 years ago a boat was in fire. My husband was on the boat making the drug bust without any safety equipment. He was afraid it was going to explode he says. What he lied to the psyche doc about was he told her he gets up at night smelling smoke and checks the house. This is absolutely false and he has never done this. I wake up every time he moves at night and have for the last 18 years. He tells me everything is my fault...the way he resents me and stays mad at me is all my fault. He literally changed over night from a loving husband to someone who won't touch me with a 10 foot poll and has no interest in me. When I asked him what was going on it was all my fault in the way of things I've done in the past...ooookaaay...then there was well now that we are getting VA money he doesn't feel the need to fight for me or to keep me anymore. Alrighty. He doesn't want me hugging him, touching him nothing. He wants me to stay in my lane and behave. If I don't, if I question one little thing if I come to him gently whatever....he gets mad and everything is my fault. Then every once in a blue moon he will say I'm sorry. I know it's me. But that's what I do now. Ptsd people avoid and my thinking isn't logical and this and that and the other because that's what people with ptsd do. Not interested in anything other than me leaving him alone but tending to the boys and supper and not asking anything or expecting anything. This happened overnight a little over a year ago after being together for 17 years.
- Post starter
- #12
I've never accepted the pamphlet stuff and told him he can't hide behind and use illness as a crutch. I've tried to get him to go to therapy but he wont.
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
Latest posts
-
had a dream i was cutting myself again and it felt good
- Latest: William_Peters
-
-
