Present Tense
As a parent, if someone is raping my child, I hold the person who knows & doesn't tell me equally responsible. Period. It may not be fair, and I don't give a damn.
That's not a decision other people get to make. They're not protecting me. They're not protecting my child. They're protecting the rapist. They have the right to make that choice for themselves. But not for me. They don't get to choose to help my child be raped and then say it was for my own good. The logic falls completely apart as soon as it's even glanced at. Victims often choose to protect their abusers. That's normal. But what they're doing is protecting their abuser. Not me. & Not my child.
Past Tense
I might want to know... But once my child is grown I no longer have the duty of care. It's not my responsibility to protect them anymore, and someone telling my someone else's past? Not their place. That's my adult child's place. Their choice whom to tell or not tell anything regarding themselves. And my responsibility to foster the kind of relationship where if I want to know about their lives? They tell me. 3rd party interference is just that; interference.
((Past tense referring not to 5 minutes ago, or yesterday, or last year, or 10 years ago. If my child is still a child? That's present tense. They are still my responsibility. They still deserve to be taken care of, instead of responsible for taking care of themselves. That's an adult right, but a childhood tragedy.))
Self
This is different from coming forward. And this is different from owning your own past. You have the right to own your own past. What other people feel? Not your business. We each have the right to our own emotions. "If I do this, they'll be angry, so I can't do this." Is victim speak. It's not your responsibility to make other people feel or not feel anything.
"If I do this, they'll do that, and I don't want that to happen." Is pragmatism, but it's not protecting them. It's manipulating the situation to get the results you want, and denying someone else the opportunity to make their own decisions based on all the facts, but instead the facts you choose to show them. Not always a bad thing. But it is a selfish thing when we do that; viewing what we want as more important than what anyone else does. That's valid. But it's still about us, and not about them. Which very much changes the perspective when it's not the thing that is best for us, or what we want to happen. It's the flip side of victim-thought controlling /taking responsibility for other people's emotions... By placing everyone else's emotions ahead of one's own. If you're manipulating a situation to get the results you want? More power to you. (Whether that's setting up a kid's day for success, or not being a dick to a cop, or planning a fantasm of a day for someone you love, or talking someone out of killing themselves, or bulking up your CV to be more attractive to a school or job you want, etc... There are all kinds of laudable manipulation.) If you're manipulating a situation out of bad habits? Sabotaging yourself is the example that leaps to mind... Take a step back. What are the results you really want? And, who are you really protecting? If you're not helping yourself? Who is manipulating you? Pulling puppet strings?
