Childhood Singling Out One Child In The Family

[kagamine]

Maybe it's a coincidence,but my younger sister was also very ill as well when she was a baby. She had some birth complications with her airways being blocked and she had a lot of problems with bronchial infections and apparent asthma during her first year. She also has autism, and she was nonverbal until she was 6. She was always the baby and she was sheltered from a lot of what went on in our house, mostly by me tbh. She was sheltered from life by my mom.

It kind of brings up an interesting point, there's all these environmental factors that lead to us being singled out. Mostly I think it comes own to the fact that somebody always takes the bullet in an abusive family, and while we do it out of love, it can only be seen as weakness in the structure of an abusive family.

 

[JessNoOne]

I think when I was doing inpatient they called it symptom bearing, one person, usually a child, in a dysfunctional family needs to be scapegoated so that everyone can feel like they're the normal ones.

Exactly. If the family didn't have one person to scapegoat.. and essentially blame for ALL of the problems in the f*cked up dynamic then they would be forced to look at themselves, which would be too painful for them. They can't admit the role they've played. They usually target the child that is the most emotionally sensitive and tries to call the family out on their problems, so they must shut this child down, or they choose the child that mirrors the qualities of dysfunction within the family and triggers their anger and insecurity. They don't want to be shown the problem. They don't want anyone giving them any reason to come out of denial.

 

[sun seeker]

I understand that the black sheep of the family (or the scapegoat) is actually the strongest in the family because they refuse to keep with the status quo by continually throwing out there to the family what is wrong.

That makes me the strongest person in my very screwed up family, then.

Strong???

That's a switch from how I've been feeling lately.

 

[JessNoOne]

That makes me the strongest person in my very screwed up family, then.

Strong???

That's a switch fr...

Shimmerz is right. It would cause far less drama to just appease the abusers. If you can identify as the "black sheep" or the "scapegoat" it's because you have been singled out for not actively participating to help keep up the facade to the extent that your family would deem necessary. They want you to feel weak, look weak, tell them about it... that's all the more reason to say that you are to blame for all of the problems... "Look! He/She's feeling weak... look at how sick and f*cked up he/she is. He/she causes everything." When it's *them* making you sick.
They always try and take out the biggest threat.

 

[sun seeker]

They want you to feel weak, look weak, tell them about it...

I did for a long time. For some reason I had the idea that if I just explained well enough, they would get it. Sigh. Sometimes I just don't notice what the brick wall is doing to my head. :banghead:

Then I stopped trying.

 

[JessNoOne]

The same thing happened to me. I realized they actually LIKED me being weak because then I was unable to focus on everything that was wrong in the family, everything that had been done to my brothers and I.
As a normal human, I thought they'd feel some sort of empathy for my pain, but they actually enabled my terrible situations and when good things started to happen... when I got back on my feet, they punished me for it. My mother said she would "disown" me because I live in a normal house now and not in some of the quite honestly dangerous living situations I had been cycling through for years.
It sounds really sick and it's really hard to come to terms with. But if you were abused by them as a child... if they didn't meet your needs... why, why all of the sudden would they have a change of heart and care? They don't. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's a reality I've had to accept and it's just the unfortunate side effect of being raised by parents with narcissistic qualities and God knows what else.

 

[JessNoOne]

But you can't blame yourself for any of it. Just really come to terms with how strong you are... and coast on that.

 

[sun seeker]

As a normal human, I thought they'd feel some sort of empathy for my pain

That's the problem trying to relate to a narcissist when you aren't one yourself. It's a recipe for disaster. We would understand if someone explained what they were going through, because we have empathy. So if others don't, we assume it must be because we haven't explained it well enough. Add that to the sequelae of child abuse that trains us to blame ourselves for everything, and, well... you end up learning the best thing is to stay away.

I've understood that for some time now. My comment was more because I am in a very low-functioning place right now in my trauma recovery. I don't feel strong. It takes redefining what strength means, I guess. Willingness to face our trauma instead of burying it, perhaps?

 

[JessNoOne]

That's the problem trying to relate to a narcissist when you aren't one yourself. It's a recipe for...

Exactly... and what is so blinding about dealing with narcissists is that it is SO hard to accept when it is your own family. It's instilled in us, as humans, that our family is supposed to care for us and when I finally could no longer deny that they did not care, it left me in a really bad place... Because I had this illusion of a "support system" but it was really them making me sicker.

But clearly you are the rational person... just the fact that you are on this forum and you are concerned about your own mental health shows how much more clear headed you are than any of them. You can admit there is a problem and you want to fix it.

I'm feeling okay now... but I go back and forth... Basically up until today... for the past two weeks I've been incredibly low functioning, unable to care for myself. The only reason I'm feeling okay right now is because I get to see my therapist tomorrow and she always gives me hope... the time in between is very hard though.

Nothing in life gets better without going through it... which means fighting through the pain. You can't go around it because it will still be there. You literally have to kick and punch your way through it. Destroy it. Get your sane mind back. Don't let anyone else rent the space inside your head anymore. The price is just too high.

You are in recovery, which is wonderful. Are you with a therapist atm? I think acknowledging the abuse and injustice that you suffered is absolutely the first step and it shows such tremendous strength. Don't ever be ashamed of being low functioning. It's okay. Your body and mind are simply reacting to trauma... In order to process it you must allow yourself to react naturally and sometimes your body and mind just have to slow down a bit. My therapist actually told me to take naps after our sessions because they exhaust me so much, but it's necessary to purge all of the horrible feelings out of me... It's just a process of rewiring your brain. Your body and mind are acting completely normal given all you have been through. So be easy on yourself.

 

[shimmerz]

They always try and take out the biggest threat.

And THIS is when I know I am doing things right. My problem is that I don't walk away (although I am attempting to resolve that now). It is like this :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead: is happening because I keep going back for more. That needs to stop in order for me to get to a grounded place again. My role in all of this needs to stop. It isn't just them.

Needs to look (from my end), more like this :headphone::headphone::headphone::headphone::headphone::headphone:

Fighting against quicksand is never the answer. Calmly extricating yourself from the bog is the answer. With the SOLE intention of getting the freak out and never stepping on anything but firm ground again.

Willingness to face our trauma instead of burying it, perhaps?

Yes. And refusing to believe the lies that were fed to us that 'if it wasn't for YOU the family would be PERFECT'. That is bullshit.

 

[sun seeker]

And refusing to believe the lies that were fed to us that 'if it wasn't for YOU the family would be PERFECT'.

I'm not sure if my family have ever told me that, exactly, because there isn't enough of a sense of the family as a unit anymore for them to use that, and because mainly their MO is silence in the face of the suffering of others. Makes it even more confusing than if they would say things outright. The communication that is a problem is when they use my past against me: "Well, if it [the way they are treating me now] bothers you that much that means there's something wrong with you" or "It doesn't matter how I treat you because you won't be happy anyway." i.e. you're already down in the mud so you won't mind if I throw another bucket of it on top of you...

 

[sun seeker]

Because I had this illusion of a "support system" but it was really them making me sicker

Oh yes, I can relate very much to that. It is a process letting go of that illusion. (The word illusion is coming up in my life all over the place... chalk up one more!) It's easy to say, harder to do. But recovery comes so much faster once we do.

You can admit there is a problem and you want to fix it.

And that works a lot better once you stop trying to explain that fact to the people who are invested in maintaining the problem and stick with those who support you and want to help you through it... or at least not get in the way.

I get to see my therapist tomorrow and she always gives me hope... the time in between is very hard though

Yes, I can understand that. I think the idea is eventually life becomes filled with enough good things that the time in between doesn't seem so interminable.

Are you with a therapist atm?

I am, and he is absolutely wonderful and getting me through a lot very quickly.

Your body and mind are acting completely normal given all you have been through.

And that is true for all of us. This is why I started the thread on compassion for self.

Thank you for your support and kindness. Hope your session goes well today.