Childhood Singling Out One Child In The Family

[PreciousChild]

I think when I was doing inpatient they called it symptom bearing, one person, usually a child, in a dysfunctional family needs to be scapegoated so that everyone can feel like they're the normal ones.

I totally agree. That's exactly my experience. My siblings are better than they were when they were kids, but we're all still under the spell of scapegoating. I undertook a family project because I insisted that they entrust me more, and I was more qualified to handle it. But whenever I communicated with them about it, I became emotional and weird, and gave them every reason to continue to think I'm a dumbass. But at least I didn't just cave and told them go f** off like I usually do. I told them that I may be weird sometimes, but that I'm going to keep on taking charge of the project. I'm still trying to normalize relations with them but my knee jerk reaction is to act like the crazy dummy that they always saw me as. They're sort of trying to be supportive, but their traumatic reaction is to blame me. If they couldn't do that anymore, they'd have to turn around and point a finger at themselves and possibly open themselves up to feelings of disgust, hatred, and all that they project on me, and they will never do that. But I'm hoping for the impossible.

 

[Cisabeau73]

WOW! Your past sounds just like mine! I could have been reading about my own dysfunctional family! I am the oldest of 2 daughters. My Father has serious emotional issues and possibly PTSD. He was sadistic, physically, and mentally abusive to me for 21 years. The worst he ever did or said to my sister was to call her a klutz. On the other hand, he made my life a living Hell. And I can see the pattern. He was the oldest of 2 boys in his family. He was the one my grandfather always called the "black sheep". Saying he was a disappointment and was always in trouble. My uncle was the one my grandparents were proud of. He could do no wrong in their eyes. So My Father carried on that legacy to me and my sister. Well, the chain of abuse stopped with me! I have never had children. I have been dealing with severe PTSD since I was a very young child. I knew having a child of my own would be a big mistake. I don't have adequate coping abilities, patience, or the proper upbringing to be entrusted with a child's life. My worst nightmare would be to end up doing to my child what my Father did to me. I could never live with myself if I destroyed another person's life like my Father did mine! :( For a while I resented my sister for being spared all the abuse. But as I got older and matured, I realized it wasn't her fault. It was what my Father's distorted reality was. So I believe the cause of singling one child out for the brunt of abuse is the abuser reliving a past pattern where they were targeted and siblings were not.

 

[Caroline-M]

My family dynamic was weird when it came to sibling roles. I have an older sister as well as 2 twin siblings. My brother is fraternal to me & my sister is identical & we make up a set of triplets. People always thought my older sister was the black sheep, because she was a redhead & overweight on top of not having her own twins. I'm the black sheep & people never believed me. Of course, no one ever believes a scapegoat. My siblings were the biggest factor in how I developed CPTSD. A lot of their individual & collective abuse went unnoticed because of the excuse of being a triplet.

I learned that my older sister is not the black sheep because she's the outsider, I am because of how the bullying was established within our triplet set. I was the healthiest baby, followed by my brother & then my sister. I guess my identical twin took the power role in that twinset, which established me as the weaker twin to my brother beyond that, & even beyond that was my older sister was the ringleader of it all.

But I never knew any of that so when I'd tell someone I was the black sheep they'd say, "You can't be the black sheep, you're a triplet!" If they asked for some reason to explain why I thought I was the black sheep all I could ever think to say were excuses for my problems. It never occurred to me that my siblings were causing the problems. I felt like the biggest loser that I couldn't fit in with my own twins. It felt like I'd been disowned from our bond & I didn't count as one of them. Which made it so I didn't count to myself.

 

[PreciousChild]

I just wanted to add that I totally think telling a scapegoating family to f** off is a perfectly valid response. But I'm trying to do something different because I've found that I was caught in a cycle of wanting their love and attention, not getting it, and then exploding with anger, which only confirms their bad opinion of me and perpetuates the cycle. I don't know about anyone else, but something I feel is true is that I am just as much a perp of the family dynamic as my siblings are. I am also the target, but my very actions and thoughts buy into the belief than I am less than. Changing myself has been the hardest part, which is why I am putting myself out there for ridicule. I feel like I'm acting brave by feeling how much of an idiot I am and still persevering in what I think is the right thing to do. Every dumbass thing I do, I forgive myself and go on. I was so afraid that my buffoonery and unapologetic attitude was offending and angering my siblings. In the last few weeks, I had to see each of them for separate reasons, and I emailed them expecting that they would shut me down and tell me to go to hell. My one sibling asked if I and my son were okay, as though she was implying there was something wrong with my mental state. But I told her exactly what I was doing, and she actually accepted it. No one told me to go to hell, at least not yet. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I can't go on the way I was.