Skipping The Holidays?

[SunflowerHoney]

Hey everyone. I'm sorta new and haven't posted in awhile (due to cognitive distortions telling me no one here likes me or my posts :/ ).

I decided to come back to talk about the holidays. Each year I my baseline anxiety increases about 5 degrees or so about a week before Thanksgiving and doesn't decrease until well into January. This began after getting married and having to see way more people and do a lot more driving. Also, my husband's family tends to trigger me. I'm just now able to put this into words. Before recently I could only say that I sort of hate them. :/ Also I have a few abusive relatives that I never want to see again, but the holidays on my side are always at their house.

And even if all the people were positive, happy, pleasant Pollyannas, I would still need recovery time because traveling and socializing take a lot out of me and throw me off what little semblance of routine and structure I sometimes manage to have. Anything that has me borrowing energy for today from tomorrow throws me off balance and it takes days to get back into the routine.

I am trying to convince myself that it's ok to stay home and take care of myself. I feel bad having my husband go off to answer questions about me to his non-compassionate and judgmental parents. They don't know about my PTSD and they always dismiss my chronic illness as laziness. He fears their judgement. So I dismiss my own needs a lot of the time just to keep status quo.

I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to put him in an awkward position either though. This is hard.

 

[journey31]

Don't do something that'll stress you out.
Maybe suggest a small gathering with people you can tolerate at your house?

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Maybe suggest a small gathering with people you can tolerate at your house?

Thank you.
We live two and a half hours from everyone else. I don't think they'd come here. :/

 

[renee5g]

I skipped Thanksgiving at the in laws this year,just could not do it . Christmas doubt I'll go, I know they all think I'm full of crap,I worked in the autism field for years now I can't even think about it with out having anxiety. I'll go again when I can.

 

[RavenGirl]

Welcome back to the forum. :hug:I understand were you are coming from, except the disfunctional family is mine. I used to go to my abusers or have them over to my home for Christmas each year to keep up appearances. (As not even my husband knew about the abuse) I told my husband about my past this year, so we won't be having Christmas with my side ever again. We couldn't be happier about not having to see them and my husband has been very supportive. Has your husband been to any therapy with you or read up on PTSD so he can better understand what you are dealing with and be an even better support system for you? My husband did and it helped immensely, just a thought. I hope you make choices that will help you to stay healthy and that your family can understand and support those choices. ;):)

 

[PTSDfree]

I'm not bothering with seeing the rest of family. They can come out to where I live if they want to see me as badly as they claim. My trauma is related to the holidays to begin with.

I basically had a nice meal with my dad on Thanksgiving and cooked some festive stuff. I haven't seen my extended family on the holidays in years because of how stupid they are when it comes to dealing with my food allergies. I could be risking my life by letting them cook for me.

 

[Friday]

Realistically... Can their judgement do anything to you two?

If not, IMO, boy needs to man up. Once you get married your loyalty is to your spouse & kids first. Protect your wife's feelings before your parents feelings. Do what's best for your family, before doing what's best for everyone else. That's part of growing up. No longer being 3rd/5th/etc on the totem pole, outranked by parents and everyone else, but being the head of your own household (male or female), and where the buck stops.

***

Clearly, ^^^ I come from a culture where parents don't perpetually outrank their offspring, and whomever is oldest rules. (Great grandparents, grandparents, parents, children, grandchildren).

If that IS your culture? Where elders rule? Suck it up you ungrateful bitch, you can decide how you & everyone below you spends your holidays when you're 80, and until then you and your husband have no right to do what is best for your family. Everyone else waited 60 years to make their own decisions, they are not going to relinquish finally being able to call the shots, just because you want something different than they do. Whether you're 20 or 80.

If that ISNT your culture? And you both are adults expected to be making your own decisions? <grin> Then guess what? :D You get to make your own decisions. It won't always be comfortable, in fact sometimes it's going to be hard as hell... But that's always true, when no one else has the right to insist you do anything, and the buck stops with you.

<chuckling> My parents keep trying to pull rank on my siblings and I. Either outright (Nope. Not gonna happen. Snort. At least, not with most of us), or all passive aggressive. My parents are great people in general, but they not only always want things their way, they think any other way is ridiculous. Most of the time, that's no worries, different ways of doing things can exist side by side, without conflicting. When they do conflict? My brother and I have had to do some Full-Stop actions (why, yes, I will thank everyone/ smile/ hug/ leave and walk. out. the. door. with. my. kids smack dab in the middle of either a family meal or holiday) when they've crossed boundaries too hard. And yes, they'll gripe about it (You're such a child! I'm taking my ball and going home!) and try & twist things. Lol. Child? A child doesn't have the right to do what I'm doing. I'm not only an adult, as evidenced by the fact that I am able/permitted to make my own choices... But I am the responsible adult for my kids, which means I am where the buck stops, not you, and my first priority / duty of care is to them, not you. I love my parents dearly. But they do not outrank me.

There's no keeping everyone happy. In some cultures I'm an ungrateful bitch for standing up for me and mine, while I'm a responsible adult in others. Flip it around and I'm either a proper & respectful daughter in law who is responsibly doing right by the elders of my family, or an infantilized doormat.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

I skipped Thanksgiving at the in laws this year,just could not do it

How did your spouse feel about this?

 

[Forgetful]

@SunflowerHoney I'm glad you've returned. I battle with the same distorted thoughts. I've had to fight them in the past. I now realize this is one of the few places where others don't judge me and where someone understands and offer support and compassion even if I can't get the words out so they make sense.

My extended family has a get together every Christmas at one of my brother's and at my other brother's Christmas day. We stopped going to either party years ago although my grown children go occasionally. My parents, hubby, children and 1 aunt I'm really close to knows about my trauma and this wonderful gift of PTSD. The rest only know about my depression.

We still get invited every year out of courtesy, but they know we won't be there. This has worked for me. I don't do crowds or noise very well.

I hope you find a solution that works for you so you don't get overwhelmed and can enjoy the season

If they won't travel to see you I don't think you should feel bad about not going to see them

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Has your husband been to any therapy with you or read up on PTSD so he can better understand what you are dealing with and be an even better support system for you? My husband did and it helped immensely, just a thought.

He hasn't been to therapy with me, but we're in marriage counseling at the moment. And he's reading, The Body Keeps the Score and websites I've shared with him. But he's sill having a hard time understanding how his family is so triggering for me or why I "let" them bother me so much. He tries to understand but it's hard for him. He's spent so much time staying out of his parents way that confronting and making a stand is difficult to conceive of. He prefers to stay off their radar and share as little about himself as possible. Wish I had known that before I was such an open book about myself!!!

I'm happy your husband has learned to be supportive for you. This gives me hope!

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Flip it around and I'm either a proper & respectful daughter in law who is responsibly doing right by the elders of my family, or an infantilized doormat.

No way to win, is there? smh. :)

Thanks for your well-thought out reply. I've noticed you're good at holding the mirror up properly and getting to the meat of the issue. He definitely needs to own up to his Buck-Stops-Here-ness but my pressuring him on that in the past has caused major tension between us. Mostly because he didn't really understand that the dynamic he employed with the parents could no longer work as he's now part of a new family and not just looking out for himself. He's getting there. As you pointed out to me in a different post (I have it as my desktop background), I have to be patient with him and not expect all the changes all at once. He has to start at his foundation. :)

 

[SunflowerHoney]

We still get invited every year out of courtesy, but they know we won't be there. This has worked for me. I don't do crowds or noise very well.

I'm not good with crowds or noises either. And I grew up with holidays being my immediate family (four) plus my cousiin and her parents and maybe one more aunt or uncle. His holidays are basically family reunions. One party for his mom's whole side and another party for his dad's whole side. His parents each have seven-ten siblings. Add kids and grandkids and spouses and dogs and babies....Red Alert, System Overload! Red Alert!

I hope you find a solution that works for you so you don't get overwhelmed and can enjoy the season

Thank you. I am going to talk with him tonight about me staying home for the holidays while he goes to see his folks. I'll probably be a little sad but better that than feeling like I'm compromising myself and my needs.

If they won't travel to see you I don't think you should feel bad about not going to see them

Fair point.