i talked about my abuser in therapy and then that night i had a dream with my abuser in it. in the dream he wasn’t being violent but when i woke up i wasn’t able to move and it felt like someone was in the room holding my wrist tightly. i tried to lift my hand and i couldn’t. it was like pushing against lead. this lasted far longer than other instances of sleep paralysis and i stayed awake to make sure no one was there because it felt so real. it was terrifying. does this happen to you?
I have narcolepsy as well as PTSD which in a really complex way is often caused by an emotional response to prolonged trauma. So my brain physically changed on a chemical level in order to cope which now causes me just as many problems as PTSD alone > so I get a double whammy...
The good news for you, as that new I’m a fully fledged sleep analyst, and have a ‘black belt’ in REM, cataplexy, sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming, epically horrendous nightmares (this is my own title)...
I get sleep paralysis every night, at least once, along with a vast concoction of pure dread.
Like a lot of things no matter how bad, your brain does start to recognise the brain is ‘having an episode’ - and although they will never stop being scary, you will find they will get less scary (although every now and then I’m sorry to say you might get a bad one again).
You need to create some ‘safe triggers’ - as you have lost you way and have become trapped.
Sleep paralysis happens when you sleep wrong. Your body naturally paralysises you whilst you sleep, so you dont act out your dreams and hurt yourself. I,e walk off a cliff.
People who sleep walk also have this problem except they dont have paralysis at all, causing them to be mobile.
Because of the malfunction of your hardware (putting it bluntly) of sleeping in the right order takes over, the part of your brain that controls your body is literally in sleep mode, but your mind is still awake (its mad but true).
I actually get it in such a detailed way, that as I’m falling asleep, I can actually stay awake and feel my body going numb and switchy off, it starts from the toes up and it feels like watching a skyscraper’s lights getting turned off at night, one row of lights at a time. It’s a profound sensation but quickly becomes a sense of dread and panic.
The sensation of being ‘held down’ comes from your chest muscles being paralysed (normally fine for a slow, deep breathing level when unconscious), so it makes them feel heavy. Your limbs also.
My only guess is that when some one has expereinced trauma their go-to explanantion of feeling panicked and trapped is ‘some one is attacking me’ - this is also the general response to people without PTSD too.
Mine is that there is a male presence in the room and he’s trying to molest me.
Unlike many people, I also get sleep paralysis on my side and my front too, whilst most get it when they fall asleep on their backs. Either way, it’s definitely in my top 5 worst things my brain has done to me...
You need to create a positive trigger. You’re only scared because your PTSD feeds off your fear.
The more you experience SP (sleep paralysis) the quicker you can develop the attitude of ‘COME ON THEN I WILL FIGHT YOU AND WIN’ your aggressor or abuser was a coward, not a monster or an apex predator. Not this powerful evil power you have pictured them as. You must extinguish their power by addressing it.
Like people do in ghost films, you must muster up the courage to address them, challenge them.
The two easiest (and I say easiest by nothing is easy) choices of techniques I go for are:
Challenge him/her/it.
I accept that something in me has been damaged - something feels like it was broken in me and now I’m struggling to work with the shattered remains, the scar tissue. Like a beautiful butterfly that drinks from poisonous flowers, you must use that damage that has been left inside you, stored subconsciously, mould it into a ball like a bullet and say ‘this is my trauma, although it hurts me as it rolls around inside my head squishing my fragile parts, it has made me strong, made me smart, made me so aware, like a cat with hypersenses. No one else could deal with this bullet, this canon ball, this tainted pearl, and if you were to hand it to them - they would surely implode, or explode..or lay crumpled on the floor.
When this demon or scary person in your presence comes and you feel that paralysis, I imagine that canon ball is inside you and you take it and you say ‘HERE YOU GO, YOU CAN TAKE THIS AND SEE IF YOU’RE MIGHTY ENOUGH TO COPE WITH THE FEROCITY OF MY INNER TRAUMA!!’
And like a bird swallowing a poisonous but beautifu, butterfly, you annihilate that creep.
Technique 2:
Bring a friend. I had a small cuddly toy owl called ‘Orlo’ when I have sleep paralysis or wake up from it and know there’s a good chance I’ll go back in it (and oftenthe dream carries on as well!) before you fall asleep you trll yourself, this is my protector, I put all my love and strength and all my warm, lovely thoughts of all those people who love me and all those things in the world that I love - I put them all into this object and this is my shield. You must give yourself a symbol. A symbol that can be tranfered to your sleep level, your inner child level. It’s like having a secret weapon when you’re entering a computer game.
