Sleep Screaming.

[Jyar]

Lately, my wife has been reporting that I have been screaming again in my sleep. It has been dark and deranged. "Give me the axe, so I can make him suffer" or "The only good religion, is dead one". There is more, there has been some that has been charged in an intimate nature but she seems to not remember those with very much clarity. Those don't bother me it is the dark screaming. The darkness is out to calling me again. This darkness is the precedent to dissociative episodes. I'm terrified, the dissociative episodes have been for longer periods of time and screaming is becoming more and more frequent.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I'm probably going to get shot for saying this but here goes......I actually welcomed those dark, deranged and savage times when they happened. I find that you cannot work on the darkness until you open your arms, and explore and welcome it with your whole.

If that makes sense?

I know it's scary, but you cannot fix what you do not know, so don't hold yourself back from those thoughts, let them flow for a little while, and the lessened stress from not having to hold back may help you with the dissociative episodes.

Healing takes a long time, and I personally found I could only do it once I acknowledged and welcomed the dark and nasty shadows, because denying them didn't mean that they weren't a part of me, it just meant that they scared me even more when they showed up when my guard was down.

Jyar, the only thing that has gotten me through episodes like what you are dealing with now, is remember a good time, remember how you felt then, and remember and hold onto the fact that you can feel that way again.

Pain is horrible, but if you don't have pain, then you don't get the bliss of pain relief, and knowing how good it is to be out of there.
Hold on darl, it gets better.

 

[Flyaway]

Have you thought about going to hospital for a while? What does your therapist say about this?

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm sorry the darkness is so close. I also go with not resisting feelings though they are dark. If I do, they will find a way to emerge -maybe in dreams, maybe in physical illness or pain, somehow.

I see you are out of meds. I don't know if you are talking about Valium. They are a very dangerous drug. Tho it feels so good at first, they really mess with your mind beyond belief over time. Withdrawal from them is the worst. Worse than withdrawal from opiates. That's more a physical thing. Tranqs screw up your mind something fierce, make you feel paranoid and crazy, as well as giving black outs. If this is an issue, might have to think about a different med. If this is not an issue, please ignore. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I sleep scream on a nightly basis. It is frightening and it comes with lots of nightmares but as Bubz said, it helps me bring out my stuff. I hate the disconnected feeling I get from the heavy duty sleep meds.

 

[Jyar]

Have you thought about going to hospital for a while? What does your therapist say about this?

Flyaway, I have thought about it. I've been held on a 72 hour only to be shoved out the door because "I was just looking to score pharmas."

I have spoken to my psychiatrist about it he put me on Geodon 60mg/night. We lowered it to 40mg/night because I was having adverse side effects that were as bad and included dissociative episodes. My psychologist began mid month last month working in tandem w/my psychiatrist.

The only thing that I am told to expect is for things to get a lot worse for myself before they get better.

 

[Jyar]

I see you are out of meds. I don't know if you are talking about Valium... I hope you feel better soon.

Franciemarnie, I am out of my meds, I will have my refills come this Friday. It has been a long week already and it's only Tuesday night.
Valium is one of the rx's that I take. Along with Lexapro and Geodon. Of all of them Geodon is by far the worst. I am prescribed the max dosage of Valium 3x's/day. It was supposed to be a bridge for the Lexapro but it seems to play as much a role in keeping me calm and stable as the Lexapro. We (my psychologist, psychiatrist, & I) may decide to go a different route than the Lexapro by now I am supposed to be tapering off of the Valium.

 

[franciemarnie]

I know how rough it can be. Meds were essential to my survival for 30 years. Sometimes they are imperative. I am glad you are working with docs. I self medicated for part of the time. Boy was that a mistake. Anyway, knowledge is power.

I hope Friday comes fast!

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I was just coming to post a question about screaming, and saw this recent thread.

I woke myself up the other day screaming. First time that's ever happened. I don't want to ask "is this normal?" since, well, it seems really abnormal. But should I expect more of this? It was really about as fun as screaming oneself awake sounds.

I had a vivid dream, involved my stepmother (who thankfully I no longer have any reason to ever associate with). I can interpret the dream very much as this feeling that my "family" has always had resources that I am not allowed access to because I've been abandoned so much. And I guess I can see what's coming up for me right now as my wife left and since she and I are not working, her family is giving her the financial assistance they refused *us* when we were going through new trauma earlier this year, and general abandonment issues...

Sorry. Relating to this thread, is this symptom something that is more related to acute stuff or is it something I might look forward to? I have had CPTSD my whole life, but was managing okay without knowing this until this year, which has brought a staggering number of traumas (all in some way life threatening or triggering of my early childhood life-threatening trauma). So basically I'm like super-CPTSD now, and can't tell if I'll be like this forever or if I'm going through a rough period that will subside... I do feel my marriage is over, so there's no going back to where things were at beginning of the year. And the screaming felt like related to that, this intensity that my life has somehow derailed so far in such short time, and I've lost things that it took years to build.

Sorry rambling. I am interested in others' comments, but I guess am just wondering if this symptom is acute or chronic, and if latter, does it tend to follow any patterns for people?

 

[HëllaBubz]

The first year to 2 years of my 4 years of PTSD were like that Jemini, but it should get better over time....I hope.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I take a beta blocker and Clonodine to help with the nightmares and screaming. The combination keeps me from screaming all night, but then I have the whole nightmare without waking up and that is so depressing sometimes. Like last night. I ran out of my meds a week ago so I got very little sleep the past 3 nights, took my meds last night and endured horrific nightmares all night. I woke up about 3 times, which is great for me, but I feel so tired right now. I go back and forth on whether I should take them or not.

 

[EverOnly358]

Jyar,

I am so sorry you're going through this! I totally empathize with you. I've experienced something like this, dreaming (having nightmares) and in my dream screaming loudly in terror and then waking up covered in sweat, silently screaming (making no noise), which just, the switch from hearing this loud scream in my dream, to hearing nothing when I'm suddenly awake, just that is jarring and freaks me out. Then there's the nightmare, and the disruption of my sleep schedule, and it just all goes downhill from there.

Anyways... my guess is, for myself... that these dreams happen the most when I'm repressing my real feelings. When I'm trying to go through each day taking care of everyone else's needs and not my own. When I'm trying to act normal, like nothing's wrong. It's literally like a (scary ass) wake-up call that I need to spend some time taking care of myself and listening to myself.

So, yeah, I agree with FrancieMarie and Bubzilla. Sometimes you just have to embrace the darkness, wallow in the pain you're feeling, sit in the dirt that stains you. Because, I feel like, you can't possible resolve something you don't even understand. But, that being said... if you are going to pursue the darkness, setup some support first. Therapy, family, friends, make sure things are handled by someone else so you can take a little time alone. And I've recently found walking around outside, enjoying nature and staring at the sky works (it's not just crazy hippie new age crap, LOL! ;D) to just give yourself time to be and experience what you're actually thinking and feeling. Journaling also helps, sometimes you can be surprised what comes up on the page once you start.

Feel better and know you're not alone,
D