Has anyone heard of a support group call the 'refuge'? Sounds like it's based out of Floriday. I googled free support groups and counseling and they popped up. My BF has no ins. since he can't hold a job in the state he's in and need some inpatient treatment of one on one therapy that he can get for free. I know.. big order but...
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General Sleepwalking And Other
- Post starter Mrs. T
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blackemerald1
VIP Member
Many years ago whilst being trialled on medication I had two separate episodes where I nearly bashed my then 4 year old to death with a baton I had under my bed for safety purposes. I dreamed the person laying next to me was a perpetrator and I actually saw this person under the sheets, would swear on a pile of bibles. Just as I was going to land the first blow to this persons head I 'snapped' out of the dream and was hysterical for days. I had nearly killed my son, sleeping in my bed. I think I remember my dog laying on the bed with us and he licked my face, I think that is what snapped me back to reality.
The second episode was that I saw and spoke to a perpetrator who was goading me sitting on the end of my bed. I was thoroughly convinced and trashed the house ready to stab anyone with a huge kitchen knife. I was convinced the perpetrator, or one of them were hiding in the house for where he had gone to hide as he said he could get in and hide any time....all a dream and again hysterical for days.
I rang my specialist and he said stop taking the meds., so I went back to all my dreaming and sleep walking as usual, still scary but I would come out of them either by myself, or my dog or other things that woke me. I still sleep walk to this day, very frustrating and exhausting.
I agree with previous posts, check those meds., again and you must find a way of waking you up when H gets out of bed. Maybe a bell on the door, sounds silly but honestly after my experiences I can understand the state your H is in. Everything is real. I don't know enough about dissociation. I do not know if that is what I did when I experienced these two episodes. But honestly it so real that it is impossible to think you did not see or hear whatever it is that you do.
Hope you can get him to Therapy soon. Best wishes.
The second episode was that I saw and spoke to a perpetrator who was goading me sitting on the end of my bed. I was thoroughly convinced and trashed the house ready to stab anyone with a huge kitchen knife. I was convinced the perpetrator, or one of them were hiding in the house for where he had gone to hide as he said he could get in and hide any time....all a dream and again hysterical for days.
I rang my specialist and he said stop taking the meds., so I went back to all my dreaming and sleep walking as usual, still scary but I would come out of them either by myself, or my dog or other things that woke me. I still sleep walk to this day, very frustrating and exhausting.
I agree with previous posts, check those meds., again and you must find a way of waking you up when H gets out of bed. Maybe a bell on the door, sounds silly but honestly after my experiences I can understand the state your H is in. Everything is real. I don't know enough about dissociation. I do not know if that is what I did when I experienced these two episodes. But honestly it so real that it is impossible to think you did not see or hear whatever it is that you do.
Hope you can get him to Therapy soon. Best wishes.
How horrifying for you.. so glad you woke before that.
My BF told me the next day he's never hurt anyone when in that fuge kind of state.. but I am not so convinced to be honest. I think he could have become violent with me quite easily and he has a ferocious temper and he's a very big guy. With most people, even though I'm petite, I'm in shape and could make it to the door and saftey but he's so big and so fast.. he used to play semipro ball and still moves like an athlete.
He, like you, SAW and HEARD those people and indeed, they were home invaders and there to hurt him/us. If there had been a weapon in the house he would have indeed pulled it out. I am going thru some construction on the house so thankful he did not think to arm himself iwth any of the power tools or equipment and equally thankful he was gentle with my puppy, which has not always been the case.
I don't want to ever call the police on him if it can be avoided. He would consider that the ultimate betrayal and he's got felony charges on him from past relationships , so I don't want to add to that.
I would like to call his former therapist, but can't figure out how to do it and be assured he would not find out. He would come unglued!
I want to get him treatment but need him to work with me and he's not right now. He's apathetic, drinking a lot, not eating and completely withdrawing. He's normally a very charming outgoing guy and this is so NOT the person I've come to know. I laid down an ultimatum this morning. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do but I can't keep accepting this type of behavior, having him put in some pallative/passive efforts to charm and appease me and then within the space of time I'm at work, go back to the dark side on me. My first husband was abusive and so this scares me, but also is something I am acutely sensative too and will stand my ground on.. right wrong or indifferent. I love him, I want to be supportive and not be just another betrayal of trust in his eyes. I just don't feel safe though, I'm not happy and this is a very new relationship to be under this much of this.
My BF told me the next day he's never hurt anyone when in that fuge kind of state.. but I am not so convinced to be honest. I think he could have become violent with me quite easily and he has a ferocious temper and he's a very big guy. With most people, even though I'm petite, I'm in shape and could make it to the door and saftey but he's so big and so fast.. he used to play semipro ball and still moves like an athlete.
He, like you, SAW and HEARD those people and indeed, they were home invaders and there to hurt him/us. If there had been a weapon in the house he would have indeed pulled it out. I am going thru some construction on the house so thankful he did not think to arm himself iwth any of the power tools or equipment and equally thankful he was gentle with my puppy, which has not always been the case.
I don't want to ever call the police on him if it can be avoided. He would consider that the ultimate betrayal and he's got felony charges on him from past relationships , so I don't want to add to that.
I would like to call his former therapist, but can't figure out how to do it and be assured he would not find out. He would come unglued!
I want to get him treatment but need him to work with me and he's not right now. He's apathetic, drinking a lot, not eating and completely withdrawing. He's normally a very charming outgoing guy and this is so NOT the person I've come to know. I laid down an ultimatum this morning. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do but I can't keep accepting this type of behavior, having him put in some pallative/passive efforts to charm and appease me and then within the space of time I'm at work, go back to the dark side on me. My first husband was abusive and so this scares me, but also is something I am acutely sensative too and will stand my ground on.. right wrong or indifferent. I love him, I want to be supportive and not be just another betrayal of trust in his eyes. I just don't feel safe though, I'm not happy and this is a very new relationship to be under this much of this.
blackemerald1
VIP Member
I am so sad you find yourself in this situation with your H. And from what you wrote you have past personal trauma to keep dealing with (ex H.). You are right, you cannot get undertakings from him to do something about what he is doing and then he reverts back to doing nothing or as you put it the 'dark side',
If it is possible, I would try to get him to go with you to a relationship/marriage counsellor. The idea being that the counsellor will definitely freak and send you both to a T. who may possibly do sessions for free because H. is not working, but most importantly have more expertise and then the real work can begin.
You are right to love and supportive him, I know this is a big thing but have you spoken to your family doctor about this? I am wondering if it would be possible for your H, to go into hospital for a period of time, so all these behaviours can be observed and possibly meds., sorted because it does not sound like they are doing him much good. Drinking alcohol on most meds., is not a sensible or safe thing to do.
I suggested hospital because it will immediately take the pressure off you, which will be a good thing. He is having very strong incidents and you do not feel safe. He does not need to be locked up, but honestly if he gets much worse, he may be an involuntary intake.
Do you have an Acute Mental Health Team that you can get in touch with, they may be able to visit your home and make suggestions. I feel like, when reading between the lines, that you are walking on egg shells. No matter how angry he may get, you need to be proactive in getting people with knowledge involved to help you cope, and stop the behaviour somehow.
This situation you find yourself IMHO has nothing to do with Police or domestic violence. But he needs care and supervision, so he can come home and start holding his weight with your marriage and child. When he is well, it may take some time, but he will find a job.
Just some more thoughts for you to think over. I hope it helps.
If it is possible, I would try to get him to go with you to a relationship/marriage counsellor. The idea being that the counsellor will definitely freak and send you both to a T. who may possibly do sessions for free because H. is not working, but most importantly have more expertise and then the real work can begin.
You are right to love and supportive him, I know this is a big thing but have you spoken to your family doctor about this? I am wondering if it would be possible for your H, to go into hospital for a period of time, so all these behaviours can be observed and possibly meds., sorted because it does not sound like they are doing him much good. Drinking alcohol on most meds., is not a sensible or safe thing to do.
I suggested hospital because it will immediately take the pressure off you, which will be a good thing. He is having very strong incidents and you do not feel safe. He does not need to be locked up, but honestly if he gets much worse, he may be an involuntary intake.
Do you have an Acute Mental Health Team that you can get in touch with, they may be able to visit your home and make suggestions. I feel like, when reading between the lines, that you are walking on egg shells. No matter how angry he may get, you need to be proactive in getting people with knowledge involved to help you cope, and stop the behaviour somehow.
This situation you find yourself IMHO has nothing to do with Police or domestic violence. But he needs care and supervision, so he can come home and start holding his weight with your marriage and child. When he is well, it may take some time, but he will find a job.
Just some more thoughts for you to think over. I hope it helps.
HI:
I wish I had an acute mental health team I could get in touch with. Unfortunatley living in the states with no insurance is not a good thing, not like the socialized medicine countries.. there's really nothing but a detox or trauma center where he could go for up to 72 hours.
Unfortunately due to past relationships, he has a felony on his record for abuse. I think it's exaggerated and not, but , be that as it may, it's there. He is still pending some court proceedings over that and afraid if he goes in for treatment it will constitute a violation of his release and he'll go back to jail. He's terrified of that. Sad in our country the sick go to jail!?!
He's drinking himself into a state of illness right now. In the last 3 weeks he's gone through a min. of 12 cases of beer, a case of wine coolers and hard cider and 13 bottles of assorted booze.. cleaned out my liquor cabinet. He's on the last bottle of hard alcohol (and cleaned out most of the liqueurs too). I hid the 2 bottles of good scotch but after this is gone.. he's done other than some hard cider in the fridge.
He says he can quite on his own but he's too far gone. He sleeps and drinks .. has a glass next to the bed at all times. He looks like hell and has lost major muscle tone. His arms are 1/2 the size they were 3 weeks ago.
I don't know what else to do but to let him run out of the booze and then bring him to detox. He will freak out and not sure of how I get him there, but know that's what he needs.. he needs to get sober before he can start to get better.
I met him during a time when he was living at a transition house and he had been sober and getting treatment for 6 months. He was charming and engaging and willing to try all new things. So much fun to be around and everyone likes him. Then this person came around once he had to deal with the courts again and I can't live with this person. Dark, brooding and very very scary.
I have a vast and very expensive wine collection. I am hoping he won't get into that and if he does, then need to call in for help right away. He said he would never do that, hates wine. I told him he hates most of the alcohol he's consumed in the last couple weeks... he grimaces when he drinks it, but he drinks it nonetheless. He acknowledged that.
I have a friend who's a psychologist and she specializes in PTSD in children- she's a social worker. She doesn't' say much other than she frankly does not see a lasting change in my BF future based on his past. Amazing pessimistic for a social worker, but , she's been my friend all through school and she's horribly worried about my safety. He tagged me in the nose this weekend and shattered a class against the wall.. had my puppy huddled in the corner shivering and she's terrified of him right now.
So..I don't want to see him in jail but he needs treatment, he's killing himself right now. He tells me what I want to hear but he's in full denial about how bad he is. He's eaten 2 bowls of thin soup and 4 eggs that I now of in the last nearly 2 weeks.. and he's puked some of that up even.
BTW... the refuge got back to me. Despite my telling them he had no job or insurance, she gave me their pricing. $24,800 for the first week!~~~~ over `18k every week thereafter!!!
How did you get past your issues... just lots of counseling and some meds?
I wish I had an acute mental health team I could get in touch with. Unfortunatley living in the states with no insurance is not a good thing, not like the socialized medicine countries.. there's really nothing but a detox or trauma center where he could go for up to 72 hours.
Unfortunately due to past relationships, he has a felony on his record for abuse. I think it's exaggerated and not, but , be that as it may, it's there. He is still pending some court proceedings over that and afraid if he goes in for treatment it will constitute a violation of his release and he'll go back to jail. He's terrified of that. Sad in our country the sick go to jail!?!
He's drinking himself into a state of illness right now. In the last 3 weeks he's gone through a min. of 12 cases of beer, a case of wine coolers and hard cider and 13 bottles of assorted booze.. cleaned out my liquor cabinet. He's on the last bottle of hard alcohol (and cleaned out most of the liqueurs too). I hid the 2 bottles of good scotch but after this is gone.. he's done other than some hard cider in the fridge.
He says he can quite on his own but he's too far gone. He sleeps and drinks .. has a glass next to the bed at all times. He looks like hell and has lost major muscle tone. His arms are 1/2 the size they were 3 weeks ago.
I don't know what else to do but to let him run out of the booze and then bring him to detox. He will freak out and not sure of how I get him there, but know that's what he needs.. he needs to get sober before he can start to get better.
I met him during a time when he was living at a transition house and he had been sober and getting treatment for 6 months. He was charming and engaging and willing to try all new things. So much fun to be around and everyone likes him. Then this person came around once he had to deal with the courts again and I can't live with this person. Dark, brooding and very very scary.
I have a vast and very expensive wine collection. I am hoping he won't get into that and if he does, then need to call in for help right away. He said he would never do that, hates wine. I told him he hates most of the alcohol he's consumed in the last couple weeks... he grimaces when he drinks it, but he drinks it nonetheless. He acknowledged that.
I have a friend who's a psychologist and she specializes in PTSD in children- she's a social worker. She doesn't' say much other than she frankly does not see a lasting change in my BF future based on his past. Amazing pessimistic for a social worker, but , she's been my friend all through school and she's horribly worried about my safety. He tagged me in the nose this weekend and shattered a class against the wall.. had my puppy huddled in the corner shivering and she's terrified of him right now.
So..I don't want to see him in jail but he needs treatment, he's killing himself right now. He tells me what I want to hear but he's in full denial about how bad he is. He's eaten 2 bowls of thin soup and 4 eggs that I now of in the last nearly 2 weeks.. and he's puked some of that up even.
BTW... the refuge got back to me. Despite my telling them he had no job or insurance, she gave me their pricing. $24,800 for the first week!~~~~ over `18k every week thereafter!!!
How did you get past your issues... just lots of counseling and some meds?
amethist
VIP Member
Hi jackpine.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but sometimes honesty is the only way.
He is in a bad way and it seems like there is nothing you can do to help him, he is on downward spiral.
If he carries on drinking as he is, it will kill him. If he goes cold turkey without help, that will probably kill him.
My husband was drinking 24/7 and the only back up was as an in patient at a detox center.
Once he gets help with the drinking, then and only then will he be able to function to seek the help he needs from somewhere for his PTSD.
Seems like the ball is now in your court, he is a grown man and making his own decisions, the wrong ones maybe, but it is up to him. So do you hang on and hope that maybe one day he hits bottom before things get any worse, or do you quit now before you get dragged even further into this.
Not an easy decision to make, but one you may have to make one day.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but sometimes honesty is the only way.
He is in a bad way and it seems like there is nothing you can do to help him, he is on downward spiral.
If he carries on drinking as he is, it will kill him. If he goes cold turkey without help, that will probably kill him.
My husband was drinking 24/7 and the only back up was as an in patient at a detox center.
Once he gets help with the drinking, then and only then will he be able to function to seek the help he needs from somewhere for his PTSD.
Seems like the ball is now in your court, he is a grown man and making his own decisions, the wrong ones maybe, but it is up to him. So do you hang on and hope that maybe one day he hits bottom before things get any worse, or do you quit now before you get dragged even further into this.
Not an easy decision to make, but one you may have to make one day.
No apology needed. I needed to hear that more than someone telling me to be kind and to love and support him.
He's scaring me right now, for himself and me.
I actually left a message for his counselor. She's horrible about returning calls and not totally sure I trust her not to share info. with other counselors at the facility tho that may tell the courts... but a risk I have to take.
I also got online and checked for OTC or free meds for help. Not finding anything there.
I called a help line for detox and they gave me some info. I called and left a message. I'm told that likley there would be a waiting list for detox centers in the state since he has no active ins. or means to pay.
I did, however, find out that a trip to the ER can get him some acute meds that should get him thru a few days. I don't think I can get antabuse there or vivitrol but will continue efforts to find the resources he needs for that.
The first step though is to stop the drinking and he needs "something to slow his heart rate down" per him.
He might be able to stop cold turkey without too bad of effects, but not at my home, he would get violent with me I am sure til I got him booze or take money and the keys when I slept and go get them.
This whole bender (although he started drinking beer in increasing quantities about a month ago) started a week before he had to do 10 days in jail from an old issue. He drank non stop before he went in and did stop cold turkey when in without ill effects other than being in a crap mood and sleeping most of the time. The drinking started up right away when he got out though and now 10 days steady.
My goal is to get him in someplace this week. If not, it will be a trip to the emergency room tomorrow night when I get home from work I suspect when the booze is all gone.. might even be tonight at this rate if he doesn't find the 2 bottles of scotch I hid, or get into the wine.
I don't drink other than an occasional drink or some wine and haven't since I was a teen, other than the occasional drunk with the girlfriends on an annual trip. This is SO new to me .
I've always kept a fully stocked bar and for months and months he was aware it was there and never touched it and told me not an issue for him and not tempted by it.
I'm a very intelligent woman, but totally out of my depth. I do truly appreciate your honesty. I tend to be pretty brutally honest, and appreciate it in return as well.
Thank you.
He's scaring me right now, for himself and me.
I actually left a message for his counselor. She's horrible about returning calls and not totally sure I trust her not to share info. with other counselors at the facility tho that may tell the courts... but a risk I have to take.
I also got online and checked for OTC or free meds for help. Not finding anything there.
I called a help line for detox and they gave me some info. I called and left a message. I'm told that likley there would be a waiting list for detox centers in the state since he has no active ins. or means to pay.
I did, however, find out that a trip to the ER can get him some acute meds that should get him thru a few days. I don't think I can get antabuse there or vivitrol but will continue efforts to find the resources he needs for that.
The first step though is to stop the drinking and he needs "something to slow his heart rate down" per him.
He might be able to stop cold turkey without too bad of effects, but not at my home, he would get violent with me I am sure til I got him booze or take money and the keys when I slept and go get them.
This whole bender (although he started drinking beer in increasing quantities about a month ago) started a week before he had to do 10 days in jail from an old issue. He drank non stop before he went in and did stop cold turkey when in without ill effects other than being in a crap mood and sleeping most of the time. The drinking started up right away when he got out though and now 10 days steady.
My goal is to get him in someplace this week. If not, it will be a trip to the emergency room tomorrow night when I get home from work I suspect when the booze is all gone.. might even be tonight at this rate if he doesn't find the 2 bottles of scotch I hid, or get into the wine.
I don't drink other than an occasional drink or some wine and haven't since I was a teen, other than the occasional drunk with the girlfriends on an annual trip. This is SO new to me .
I've always kept a fully stocked bar and for months and months he was aware it was there and never touched it and told me not an issue for him and not tempted by it.
I'm a very intelligent woman, but totally out of my depth. I do truly appreciate your honesty. I tend to be pretty brutally honest, and appreciate it in return as well.
Thank you.
blackemerald1
VIP Member
Jackpine when I said it is ok for you to love and support him I did not mean love whatever he does or, support whatever he does. I made several suggestions to try and help you to help him. I did not mean for you to sit blindly by while he scares the living daylights out of you, baby and puppy. You said you wanted to help him to return to the man you used to know and presumably loved.
Since you prefer brutally honest thoughts here's one to consider. I strongly suggest you get those two bottles of Scotch and your vast and expensive wine collection, pack them and store them at a friends home or a relatives home because nothing this man is doing is making sense and you are both literally sitting on a time bomb with that much alcohol in your home. It will be way to late when he decides he has a taste for your wine.
You started this thread mainly concerned about his sleep walking or fugue states, disassociation states and in only a matter of days the real issues, (and I am not minimising his sleep walking) is what your BF is now doing. When you started this thread your said your H was doing things, later he is your BF. How old is this relationship?
I am sorry you have that ridiculous health insurance scheme in the USA. I of course did not know that was where you were and did not know if you had insurance that covers him. I made suggestions such as going to your family doctor, family therapist etc.., as a means to start the ball rolling and getting him up and away from the alcohol long enough to see if he really wants help.
Finally you say he scares you and terrifies of all things, a puppy. You have said he is big and strong and has a really bad temper. You have mentioned how badly he may react if you do various things to try and get help. You have said he scares you a number of times. Throwing a glass against a wall and tagging your nose (don't know what that means but it doesn't sound good) is unacceptable behaviour. I agree with amethist and what she has said. Watching him deteriorate is probably not a good idea because if he reaches rock bottom and no money for more alcohol, what do you think he might do?
Since you prefer brutally honest thoughts here's one to consider. I strongly suggest you get those two bottles of Scotch and your vast and expensive wine collection, pack them and store them at a friends home or a relatives home because nothing this man is doing is making sense and you are both literally sitting on a time bomb with that much alcohol in your home. It will be way to late when he decides he has a taste for your wine.
You started this thread mainly concerned about his sleep walking or fugue states, disassociation states and in only a matter of days the real issues, (and I am not minimising his sleep walking) is what your BF is now doing. When you started this thread your said your H was doing things, later he is your BF. How old is this relationship?
I am sorry you have that ridiculous health insurance scheme in the USA. I of course did not know that was where you were and did not know if you had insurance that covers him. I made suggestions such as going to your family doctor, family therapist etc.., as a means to start the ball rolling and getting him up and away from the alcohol long enough to see if he really wants help.
Finally you say he scares you and terrifies of all things, a puppy. You have said he is big and strong and has a really bad temper. You have mentioned how badly he may react if you do various things to try and get help. You have said he scares you a number of times. Throwing a glass against a wall and tagging your nose (don't know what that means but it doesn't sound good) is unacceptable behaviour. I agree with amethist and what she has said. Watching him deteriorate is probably not a good idea because if he reaches rock bottom and no money for more alcohol, what do you think he might do?
Oh Blackemerald. I am so sorry my remark came across in that manner. I obviously was not thinking. I appreciate all your help and advise. I was speaking not just of advice online.. sorry that was not more clear.
I had a long talk with him last night , despite him telling me to shut up, I'm stupid for a smart woman, I am too opinionated, I need to trust him.. yada yada.
His "go to" is to attack and divert from the issue at hand.
He is a BF, not a husband and it's a pretty new relationship. We've been together 6 months and just moved in 3 weeks ago.. when he started his bender!!!
I think I referenced my 1st husband being abusive.
The puppy and the baby are one and the same. I think I refer to her as my baby girl a lot.. sorry about that. I would never subject a child to this and ashamed I've subjected myself or the puppy to it.
He of course is holding me personally responsible (if you listened better , etc etc.) I'd be happy and not drink. I know that's all smoke and mirrors.
I got him to admit that he does realize everything I do for him is out of concern and love.
I admitted to talking to his counselor yesterday and amazingly he did not freak out.
I tried to get him to call her but he won't.
He did a few things around the house last night and actually slept a bit. He as being Mr. romantic too. I know that's to appease me, he's good at that.
I had told him that I don't see us staying a couple. The trust has been shattered and I don't see that getting resolved at this juncture. We're also both very strong willed and I have some "non negotiable's" in my life that he does not appreciate. I , unlike what he would like me to believe, do NOT believe love is unconditional. Too old and a bit too cynical to believe that any more than "you can live on love".
I did tell him though I will be there for him and continue to do what I can for him, but not to the exclusion of my own happiness or safety, and I don't feel either happy or safe right now.
He texted me a bit ago and is up. Another good sign. Said he just ate but again, think he's telling me what I want to hear. I told him he needs to drink water, take a multivitamin and some b-complex as well .. but he won't.
He will assume when they come for him it's at his counselors bequest and she said she'd take that bullet for me and is quite certain he won't remember much of this, even though he seems sober to speak with for the most part.
My brother, (and my only family)is coming into town tomorrow night to see my new house (just bought a new house and have been renovating it for months, and he's been a great help with that til this bender). I admit to wanting to wait to call 911 til he's seen the house, since I am sure it will be trashed pretty good by the time they get him out. He's 6'6 and 240# and even in a weakened state is a force to be recon'd with. i have no doubt there will be some broken things and holes in my walls. I start working from home full time though on Monday and need this resolved before then. I know I can't though. .. I need to do it. My brother has never met him since I moved from home right out of high school and my brother is in Europe for work more than here.. so only see him a couple times a year. He knows of him is all and I have not told him anything about all this and don't plan to if I can avoid it.
BF fessed up to having been through spindry 4-5 times before this (sorry.. detox). That and the pattern of domestic violence is pretty telling of a life pattern that, at 47, I don't think he's going to change. I SO hope I'm wrong, but I know he thinks he's smarter than his disease and that is his ongoing downfall.
He's SUCH an amazing man though sober. Smart, handsome, kind, gentle and giving to a fault. I am so proud to be with him when he's the person I met.
I thought it was the PTSD driving the drinking but not so sure it's not the other way around. I know his counselor thinks it's mainly the PTSD , but she was very limited on what she could share with me. IT's not just his time in the service, but his growing up. He grew up in one of the worst areas down south for crime as a mixed race kid. Fought daily to survive, shot at, stabbed.. he's had a very very rough life. I feel very badly but realize I can't condone his behavior and continue to let him use that as a crutch either. It was a long time ago and he's had amazing opportunities since then, pro ball opportunities from the semi's that his anger issues destroyed. He has 3 kids that love him and have stood by him (well.. the youngest is questionable). They live out of state. Unfortunately, his gorgeous and talented daughter has gotten into the heroin! A legacy of addiction.
Anyway.. thanks for letting me vent and ramble and for being supportive and good sources of information.
I do truly appreciate it since I am SO out of my depth with all this. I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs when I was younger but it was dabbling and when it was time to leave for college.. other than some youthful drinking escapades, have never had any issues with stopping any of those behaviors so it's a bit harder for me to understand that level of addiction. I should given some years of obesity and food addiction I guess (lost 115# over a 3 year period ending about a year and 1/2 ago.
Thanks again though and whether I like it or not I need to apply some tough love and call 911 later today (before I leave work but to ensure they are there before me). I found out they will do an assessment of him and if he's ok , they won't take him, if he's not, they will take him and put in him a 72 hour detox hold. I think he can use that to stop the drinking this time if he gets that 72 hours under his belt... for how long I don't know.. but at least for awhile anyway. I don't want to see him in jail for the holidays. That's how he spent them last year.
I know his counselor said if I don't call though, she will , as, now that she knows, she has a legal obligation.
The weird thing for me is that for nearly 6 months there was copious amounts of alcohol at my home but he was not at all bothered by it and made no attempt to get into it and then he started buying beer and having a few here and there saying he was fine.. not an issue for him.. not a bad drunk.. and it got worse from there.
I had a long talk with him last night , despite him telling me to shut up, I'm stupid for a smart woman, I am too opinionated, I need to trust him.. yada yada.
His "go to" is to attack and divert from the issue at hand.
He is a BF, not a husband and it's a pretty new relationship. We've been together 6 months and just moved in 3 weeks ago.. when he started his bender!!!
I think I referenced my 1st husband being abusive.
The puppy and the baby are one and the same. I think I refer to her as my baby girl a lot.. sorry about that. I would never subject a child to this and ashamed I've subjected myself or the puppy to it.
He of course is holding me personally responsible (if you listened better , etc etc.) I'd be happy and not drink. I know that's all smoke and mirrors.
I got him to admit that he does realize everything I do for him is out of concern and love.
I admitted to talking to his counselor yesterday and amazingly he did not freak out.
I tried to get him to call her but he won't.
He did a few things around the house last night and actually slept a bit. He as being Mr. romantic too. I know that's to appease me, he's good at that.
I had told him that I don't see us staying a couple. The trust has been shattered and I don't see that getting resolved at this juncture. We're also both very strong willed and I have some "non negotiable's" in my life that he does not appreciate. I , unlike what he would like me to believe, do NOT believe love is unconditional. Too old and a bit too cynical to believe that any more than "you can live on love".
I did tell him though I will be there for him and continue to do what I can for him, but not to the exclusion of my own happiness or safety, and I don't feel either happy or safe right now.
He texted me a bit ago and is up. Another good sign. Said he just ate but again, think he's telling me what I want to hear. I told him he needs to drink water, take a multivitamin and some b-complex as well .. but he won't.
He will assume when they come for him it's at his counselors bequest and she said she'd take that bullet for me and is quite certain he won't remember much of this, even though he seems sober to speak with for the most part.
My brother, (and my only family)is coming into town tomorrow night to see my new house (just bought a new house and have been renovating it for months, and he's been a great help with that til this bender). I admit to wanting to wait to call 911 til he's seen the house, since I am sure it will be trashed pretty good by the time they get him out. He's 6'6 and 240# and even in a weakened state is a force to be recon'd with. i have no doubt there will be some broken things and holes in my walls. I start working from home full time though on Monday and need this resolved before then. I know I can't though. .. I need to do it. My brother has never met him since I moved from home right out of high school and my brother is in Europe for work more than here.. so only see him a couple times a year. He knows of him is all and I have not told him anything about all this and don't plan to if I can avoid it.
BF fessed up to having been through spindry 4-5 times before this (sorry.. detox). That and the pattern of domestic violence is pretty telling of a life pattern that, at 47, I don't think he's going to change. I SO hope I'm wrong, but I know he thinks he's smarter than his disease and that is his ongoing downfall.
He's SUCH an amazing man though sober. Smart, handsome, kind, gentle and giving to a fault. I am so proud to be with him when he's the person I met.
I thought it was the PTSD driving the drinking but not so sure it's not the other way around. I know his counselor thinks it's mainly the PTSD , but she was very limited on what she could share with me. IT's not just his time in the service, but his growing up. He grew up in one of the worst areas down south for crime as a mixed race kid. Fought daily to survive, shot at, stabbed.. he's had a very very rough life. I feel very badly but realize I can't condone his behavior and continue to let him use that as a crutch either. It was a long time ago and he's had amazing opportunities since then, pro ball opportunities from the semi's that his anger issues destroyed. He has 3 kids that love him and have stood by him (well.. the youngest is questionable). They live out of state. Unfortunately, his gorgeous and talented daughter has gotten into the heroin! A legacy of addiction.
Anyway.. thanks for letting me vent and ramble and for being supportive and good sources of information.
I do truly appreciate it since I am SO out of my depth with all this. I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs when I was younger but it was dabbling and when it was time to leave for college.. other than some youthful drinking escapades, have never had any issues with stopping any of those behaviors so it's a bit harder for me to understand that level of addiction. I should given some years of obesity and food addiction I guess (lost 115# over a 3 year period ending about a year and 1/2 ago.
Thanks again though and whether I like it or not I need to apply some tough love and call 911 later today (before I leave work but to ensure they are there before me). I found out they will do an assessment of him and if he's ok , they won't take him, if he's not, they will take him and put in him a 72 hour detox hold. I think he can use that to stop the drinking this time if he gets that 72 hours under his belt... for how long I don't know.. but at least for awhile anyway. I don't want to see him in jail for the holidays. That's how he spent them last year.
I know his counselor said if I don't call though, she will , as, now that she knows, she has a legal obligation.
The weird thing for me is that for nearly 6 months there was copious amounts of alcohol at my home but he was not at all bothered by it and made no attempt to get into it and then he started buying beer and having a few here and there saying he was fine.. not an issue for him.. not a bad drunk.. and it got worse from there.
blackemerald1
VIP Member
Jackpine thank you for responding about the love and support issue. Many people love their nearest and dearest but don't like something they do and further, that niggling issue grows to be a major problem and relationships are lost.
Again I agree with amethist's thoughts on what is going on.
Jackpine please don't be offended with what I write next, it is only out of concern for you and puppy.
I cannot for the life of me see WHY you are in this terribly damaging relationship, especially after getting out of an previous abusive marriage.
I am afraid to say it because I can see in your writing that you toss around what to do trying desperately to resolve his behaviours. But I think you need to boot him out and change the locks.
I will try to explain. This is a typical abusive relationship because:
He scares you and does it deliberately,
He abuses your puppy, don't underestimate how dogs react, they are usually right!
He drinks alcohol (yours to be accurate) and will not stop except for brief periods to appease you.
He isn't holding up his end of the relationship
He tells you to shut up
He knows when you are going to throw him out so he puts on a façade of good behaviour
He cannot keep the façade up for long and reverts to his destructive behaviour
He manipulates you playing the poor PTSD sufferer, which he might be, but he does nothing for himself to get treatment,
You have taken on the role as good samaratin trying to save him from himself
This destructive behaviour started when he moved in....He had manipulated you and got a house with free food, grog and someone who is scared of him.
And the list could go on, I am sure there is stuff you have not disclosed.
I believe this relationship is toxic and you deserve better, much better. I do not know what is holding you to him, but I think you need to give it some serious thought.Before he trashes your home or hurts you or puppy.. Again please don't be offended Be strong,,,,
Again I agree with amethist's thoughts on what is going on.
Jackpine please don't be offended with what I write next, it is only out of concern for you and puppy.
I cannot for the life of me see WHY you are in this terribly damaging relationship, especially after getting out of an previous abusive marriage.
I am afraid to say it because I can see in your writing that you toss around what to do trying desperately to resolve his behaviours. But I think you need to boot him out and change the locks.
I will try to explain. This is a typical abusive relationship because:
He scares you and does it deliberately,
He abuses your puppy, don't underestimate how dogs react, they are usually right!
He drinks alcohol (yours to be accurate) and will not stop except for brief periods to appease you.
He isn't holding up his end of the relationship
He tells you to shut up
He knows when you are going to throw him out so he puts on a façade of good behaviour
He cannot keep the façade up for long and reverts to his destructive behaviour
He manipulates you playing the poor PTSD sufferer, which he might be, but he does nothing for himself to get treatment,
You have taken on the role as good samaratin trying to save him from himself
This destructive behaviour started when he moved in....He had manipulated you and got a house with free food, grog and someone who is scared of him.
And the list could go on, I am sure there is stuff you have not disclosed.
I believe this relationship is toxic and you deserve better, much better. I do not know what is holding you to him, but I think you need to give it some serious thought.Before he trashes your home or hurts you or puppy.. Again please don't be offended Be strong,,,,
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