Slipping Backwards And Terrified

[WesternSky]

Hello,

I have been away from the forum for awhile. When things are going well, I can convince myself that I am better. Most of the time I have been doing fairly well, which used to make me feel guilty for coming here.

For the last few weeks, I have been battling what I knew would be a very difficult time for me. I thought I was prepared for it, but unfortunately I have been having some serious setbacks again. Panic attacks, anxiety over things that used to make me anxious, not wanting to be around anyone and getting very irrational over it. Worst, the depression seems to be coming back again and I am slipping into old patterns and unable to get out of them. I stay up till the early hours of the morning because I can't sleep, then spend the day sleeping or doing nothing. So far it has not affected my work yet but I am concerned about the possibility. I can't afford that.

This is always a problem when I am left on my own for a period of time longer than a few days. My partner has gone several thousand miles away for her work and will be gone for several weeks, at least over a month. Ideally I would have gone with her but I do not have the money. I feel like a bad person because it is probably not healthy to be dependent on another, but it works very well for us. Her presence keeps the depression and the anxiety at bay and gives me the strength I need to manage them. Without her, I have nothing to fight with and no barriers to keep it away. It has been at least two weeks now, and I cannot imagine how I will continue. I feel it is only a matter of time before the suicidal ideation rises to the level of a loudspeaker in my brain.

I've come on here without knowing why or what I want from it, just that I am reaching out for something. So far I've only managed to worry my mother, which does not help me and only makes things worse. I am concerned about what will happen when my partner calls to chat for the evening, because I cannot hide this and I do not want to cause her concern when she can do nothing about the situation. I especially don't want to make her feel guilty, because she needed to go.

Here are my main concerns:
1. I am terrified I will sabotage everything I have built for myself here, especially my only, already barely sustainable, source of income.
2. I spend a lot of time on the verge of a complete breakdown and feel I am losing my mind.
3. I am terrified I will be hospitalized. That if anyone knows the depth of my distress they will "think it's best." That will be the end of me. I will never recover from a second stay and my PTSD will spiral out of control.

I am here because I am desperate and in pain, and very much alone.

 

[ms spock]

Do you have a list of things to do that can keep your mind off the SI WesternSky?

Can you exercise, ring and speak to people, clean the house, organise stuff, read a book, distract yourself in various ways? Can you start a count down to when your partner comes back? Can you do things to take your mind off your distress?

 

[felicia]

Why don't you think of romantic things to surprise your loved one with as a surprise when they get back? Your significant other would like that if they like romance.... :inlove:

 

[WesternSky]

I do not have a list. I really don't have much of anything. Some acquaintances at work but no friends.

I can no longer pursue my past interests because of where I am. I loved playing the piano and Irish stepdancing. I can do neither now because I have no access to a piano (I have tried a keyboard with no success) and the stepdancing group I tried to start failed so there is nowhere to practice. Another failure on my part. Depression has straight up stolen my love of reading.

Originally I thought I would be able to keep myself busy. Unfortunately I am slipping far enough back that the simplest tasks like showering and feeding myself are difficult. I am trying to keep up with the apartment but it seems every time I wash a dish there's something else that needs doing and I am overwhelmed by the state of things. I have a dog that I walk every day but that is exhausting in and of itself. When I try to do the laundry I break down crying hysterically and can't continue. I know it isn't a good sign.

I feel like a failure.

 

[ms spock]

Ease up on yourself WesternSky.

You are doing some things. It doesn't matter if you are doing them well or not. It doesn't matter if you cry or not. You just have to make it through another two weeks until your partner comes back.

Are you in therapy?

Can you watch DVDS to distract yourself? Or even watch some TV?

 

[WesternSky]

I am sort of in therapy. I have been several times but the schedule usually gets messed up so there are gaps in between. It's been at least a month though. I am scared to go back like this because then they will know I am crazy. I'm scared I will break down in the office.

I watch TV but sometimes I feel like I'm not being a good adult for watching so much. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope between what's expected of me and what I find myself able to do, which frankly is not all that much.

 

[cdg]

Think of all of the people you live for. That's why I keep going. No bones about it... This really sucks to deal with but it's worth the trouble and pain to try and get better. If you achieved it before to some extent.. You can again. For them. Let that be your barrier between living and dying. Try keeping yourself busy with something even though you don't want to. Like reading. Something that realistically holds your attention. It's a form of meditation. It will occupy the thing that is bothering you the most. I read self help books. They give me hope for the future.

 

[ms spock]

I watch TV but sometimes I feel like I'm not being a good adult for watching so much.

If watching tv stops you from self harming then that is a really good adult activity to engage in. I would go for it. Two weeks watching TV is nothing to acting on suicidal feelings. In that context it is not bad at all.

I would suggest going to see your psychiatrist or psychologist and work with them on strategies and a list to keep you going, if you can manage this.

 

[DMerish]

Go to YouTube and do a search for relaxing music or meditation . . .

Then open another browser.

Bring up google maps and pick a foreign country. Then pick a spot in that country that your sort of drawn to . . . doesn't matter what - maybe you see a big city along a water front, or an island off it's shore.

What's it's name? Go to Wikipedia and bring up that town, city, island, whatever it is and learn about it . . .

Link to the famous people that came from that place or architectural buildings, historical details, a museum maybe . . .

Discover something new! Fill your mind with different knowledge, visual impressions and soothing sounds . . .

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I want to challenge your notion that dependence works for you. Is it working right now? Nope. It isn't.

I think this could be your wake up call to foster healing that is independent of others. I mean by finding grounding and calming activities that don't rely on another person. The trauma hospital I went to taught this...it's important to be able to calm yourself anywhere at any time, thus we weren't permitted to use people or objects as calming tools. As in, I need (must have) so and so to be calm or I need (must have) XYZ object to be calm.

 

[WesternSky]

A list for strategies sounds like a good idea. Then I can refer back to it when I can't think clearly of what to do. I'll call the therapist in the morning and see when I can get in. I am scared but hopefully she will keep her promise and not send me away.

 

[WesternSky]

I found the number for the therapist and the psychiatrist to set up appointments and finally worked up the courage to call them again.

They've both moved locations and aren't there anymore. I don't know where to go now.

It took me weeks to stop shaking in terror every time I went into their offices. I don't know if I can face that again. Last time I started going with my partner in the waiting room until I was comfortable enough to go on my own. I don't have anyone to go with me now if things go horribly wrong again.