Slowly Rotting

[Glass Spine]

My introduction. I was told to try and find comfort where I wouldn't normally look for it - from a fellow human being. All my previous attempts to find a like-mind have inevitably met with failure, but I have not been disappointed, as I don't expect much from people.

Apparently I have PTSD, as the daily flashbacks, nightmares from which I wake screaming, inability to imitate small-talk with other people and the resulting awkwardness of conversation, misanthropy, and fear of leaving my home have all been attributed to this by the doctors and psychologists I was forced to speak with in my teenage years.

I have had similar experiences to many others whose stories I have read. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, ostracism and the resulting bitterness and fear of people.
I have three human friends in the world, and they have been my only friends. Ever. My mother (a fellow sufferer), and my two brothers (one of which is as much of a recluse as I am). I know my problems aren't unique, and have always assumed that I am the only person able to help me. Everyone has problems, they don't need or want to hear mine, and companionship beyond what I have already can only cause more problems.

That said, I want to ask a question; am I wrong?

<Full line space inserted between paragraphs by Amethist>

 

[thinlizzy4010]

In my opinion, if I hear that your problems are the same as mine, and that you are managing to and have battled through them , It gives me a little hope, that i am not alone. That there's a possiblility that someone has even a small understanding of how I am feeling. I am also learning that other people just cannot tell that I might be struggling in the inside. This doesnt mean that they dont care or wouldnt care. just that my reality is different to theirs. I hope I help? this is my first day in this forum. I am sure that by talking to others and helping them through their difficulties, that I may be able to untangle some of my feelings and beliefs. You may feel like glass, but it takes 1400+ degrees to melt .take care today xo

 

[Navy Spouse]

I think you've done a good thing by signing up to this forum. Everyone will be willing to listen to your problems, despite their own. It helps to know you're not the only one feeling the way you do and the words of others can be very comforting. Take Care

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum :)

Share whenever you are ready.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Glass Spine. Am feeling for you and can understand why you need to isolate yourself from humans.

To answer your question :

That said, I want to ask a question; am I wrong?

PTSDers tend to isolate themselves to prevent being hurt more, it's a survival mecanisme. With eadequate help, we learn coping skills to deal with the outside world. I'm a bit of a solitary personality, so isolation sure didn't help my situation.

 

[Glass Spine]

Thank you for responding. I'm not sure how to contribute or gain from this site, but reading through the forums has been somewhat enlightening, in the sense that people who have experienced similar abuse are also suffering for it. This helps to assuage the fear I have of being considered a hypochondriac or a drama queen, so thank you again.

I have, in the past, attempted to reach out and ask for help. After I was ignored, it left me feeling like a coward for having asked in the first place, and dirty and over-exposed for having briefly revealed my weakness. The psychiatrists I have seen in the past knew little. They saw psychiatry through impersonal minds, as an intellectual study devoid of emotion. They gave me pills and worthless advice, then sent me on my way. It was a relief to be rid of them.

Yet I have witnessed my mother's condition improve through speaking with and listening to others on the internet whose stories are comparable to her own, and wonder whether this might not work with me. Guess it's worth a try, right?

 

[Navy Spouse]

It is definitely worth a try. It can't hurt it will only help.

 

[thinlizzy4010]

I have, in the past, attempted to reach out and ask for help. After I was ignored, it left me feeling like a coward for having asked in the first place, and dirty and over-exposed for having briefly revealed my weakness. The psychiatrists I have seen in the past knew little. They saw psychiatry through impersonal minds, as an intellectual study devoid of emotion. They gave me pills and worthless advice, then sent me on my way. It was a relief to be rid of them.

This sounds soooo familiar. I also felt ignored, that the doctor was missing the underliying issues, that there was something wrong but i couldnt say what. I have only received proper psychological help in teh last 1-2 years so i went 25 years thinking I was just imagining it and that i just needed to be tougher.
well, i am as tough as nails now, but still feel misunderstood by my GP.

 

[Glass Spine]

I've been trying to figure out what to say. I don't usually talk about the past, and have a very efficient mental wall surrounding my long-term memories. Additionally, I have had very little experience speaking on forums, facebook, or whatever else is out there. So.... if this is an inappropriate place to be talking about this crap, then I apologize in advance.

The first eighteen years of my life weren't much fun. My mother, when angry, was insane, my father had an explosive temper, and they fought with each other relentlessly, taking out their hatred on me and my sister. I was terrified of them, and never felt safe. My mother's entire family was made up of violent perverts who would continuously put me down whenever I saw them. My father's family ignored me and my siblings for the most part.

When I was four or five, I and my sister became targets of one of our cousin's 'interest in genitalia'.
When I was eight, my father's best friend groped me and I don't remember what else.
When I was eleven, I was molested by four older boys with similar interests to my aforementioned cousin.

At every school I went to I was abused both by teachers and students. That's not to say I didn't abuse them back at first, but as I developed my phobia of people I became increasingly withdrawn. When I'm amongst strangers, I grow very numb and don't feel much physical pain, so I let them treat me as they would.

I have had chronic 'stomach problems' (my GP never gave me a name for it) since I was seven.

My only friend at high school picked on me more than anyone else. Guess he wasn't really much of a friend. He tried to strangle me, and I let him do it.

I went berserk in early 2001 and my mother kicked me out of our home. I was 'self-medicating', using whatever drugs I could find, including the inhalation of spray-paint, and this, along with the stress I was already under, drove me into a months long downward spiral. The parts I remember are pretty weird.

A few years later, some crazy woman grew offended at the way I looked (I have sixteen piercings in my face), and ended up repeatedly punching and slapping me. That in itself didn't bother me, but I just stood there and let her do it. Not good for the self-esteem, heh heh...

I'll stop now, this is already too long. I tried to keep it as concise as I could, too, and left out a few things. Oh well. If anyone reads this, thank you very much for your time.

 

[Navy Spouse]

Keep posting. You'll be surprised at how many people will read and respond to your post. You've been through so much. Just writing it and getting it out where others can see it will help you and its brave of you which is something it sounds like you haven't felt before. Take care, waiting to see your next post.

 

[Glass Spine]

You've been through so much.

I've often wondered about that. Have I? I have always been an avid reader, and have read many autobiographical accounts of abuse and bad childhoods. Maxim Gorky's 'My childhood' and Christina Stead's 'The man who loved children' were both brutal.

I have witnessed the type of person who feels the need to compete, the one who would scornfully say "You think you've got it bad? I had to put up with much worse." My mother and I tease each other with that line, because we've both heard it before, and probably will again.

I don't want to be like that. People have had it far worse than me. So I ask for nothing and receive nothing. But this doesn't help much. Navy Spouse, my gratitude for your words is boundless.

 

[Navy Spouse]

Glass Spine, your post reminded me of a quote I saw recently. I wrote it down, but I'm not sure where I put it. I'll try to get it right. "If we all saw everyone elses problems in a pile and could read them, we would grab ours back" I need to find it and put it some where that I can see it daily because I believe its so true. Unfortunately it doesn't take away the pain though it just controls it a little.