So Ashamed

[Garuh]

I've been sexualized since before I can remember. When I married for the second time I married someone who was very into BDSM. There were plenty of times I really enjoyed it. But there was no safety.

The whole thing is.. confusing and frustrating because even though I am a female I find I can only satisfy myself if I watch really graphic and violent porn. I am so ashamed I can't tell my therapist.

I don't know WHY. I'm angry with myself. I know that I can't be in a relationship ever again because I know I will go BACK to that kind of abusive relationship.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't know WHY I am like this. I'm miserably ashamed.

 

[Sizade]

Please try not to be angry and ashamed. I know it is hard but you really should talk to your T about it. They will have heard similar before and are used to talking about stuff like this.

 

[Emud]

PLEASE DO NOT FEEL SORRY!!!!
You were brutally sexualized and then you had an ex that was in BDSM. All your brain knows is what has happened to you while you didn't know it was wrong or it was bad. All you knew is all you knew....however, now that you're seeing the damage done for the first time, that's all you enjoy instead of being in a romantic relationship. There is NOTHING wrong with telling your therapist (you should have heard the things I've said to my therapist like, "My sinister in law claims she's Christian however she looks like Hell warmed at the right temperature for a possession." ...and other things...)
Relationship with yourself first! You need to be up front and honest with your therapist in regards to what you're thinking, that is what they're YOUR therapist. They will not shame you, ridicule you or should do anything but LISTEN to your pain. You want love but not Fifty Shades of Degradation.....

You can talk to me at any time you want to in private. Love and huge hugs...Heather

 

[Garuh]

That's the thing, it's also very triggering.
It's like reliving it over and over. I've told my therapist that I won't go see movies right now in part BECAUSE of that trailer and it's true! I would be completely triggerd seeing that movie or the trailer for it. But watching porn that is similar? I get aroused and NONE of that makes sense

 

[Tosu]

BDSM + NO SAFETY = ABUSE

....and predators know this.

Please try not to blame yourself.

 

[Iwet]

I have a similar problem. It's not your fault, you need to hear this over and over. It's also a well understood and well known reaction, you are not alone, not by a very long way. You can talk to a therapist about it and they will be totally understanding and supportive, it will be of no surprise to them.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. I know that's how you feel, and I do to, but there is no shame in this and a good therapist will be able to help you work on changing these feelings.

 

[Oro]

I won't pretend that I participate in BDSM activities or that sort of lifestyle, but I too was finding myself suddenly interested it awhile back. I won't say 'into' it, but just interested. Blame the Fifty Shades series, lol. Also like you, I was also disgusted for even thinking that violence could be arousing -especially for people who have endured violence & trauma and have PTSD because of it.

After doing a bit of research, I found that a lot of people with PTSD sometimes actually WELCOME that sort of lifestyle or arrangement. Shocked, I looked into it more. What made sense to me then is that when you are in an abusive relationship you feel like you have no control. Where as in a BDSM relationship or arrangement, you are willingly surrendering control (but still within pre-discussed limits). That's my take/understanding on it, anyhow. So in a way, it seems that maybe you would like having control over your own control but you do not obviously want your control taken from you unwillingly.

 

[Fosuhe]

There are tons of traumatized people into BDSM. They are usually led into it and may find that they are really attracted to it due to their past. The thing is, if submissive, you are led to believe that you have 'safety' in your partner. That can be exploited big time because many people exploit people looking for safety. It is really good that you are out of the situation.

Many of the BDSM social sites have PTSD discussions. I wasn't a part of BDSM but I did participate on the discussions that related to PTSD. I learned a ton through the people involved. I so wish you wouldn't feel shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of. :hug:

I just want to say too, that there a tons of people out there who don't expose that they are into BDSM until their partner falls for them. Then they attempt to groom their partner with heavy porn exposure. It many times works.

 

[Uke]

I just want to say too, that there a tons of people out there who don't expose that they are into BDSM until their partner falls for them. Then they attempt to groom their partner with heavy porn exposure. It many times works.

Oh... Oh my god... That was grooming....

 

[Posig]

That was grooming....

Yes.

 

[Socuto]

I have that problem too. I did bring it up with my therapist even though I was terrified to. I must have made her work hard because I would hint around at things and want her to guess what I was trying to say because if she guessed it it wouldn't shock her. The thing is I did get it out and she normalized it. She said there are so many women she sees who are worried about it. It helped me to let my shame outside of my body and let her hear it. She told me about the difference of fantasizing and doing do to practice caution and safety but that it's okay if I have to think of it to get turned on. She said even if I don't want that with a guy I can still think about it during sex to get me turned on without telling him and likely over time if the sex is satisfying I will need to less and less. The shame had made it so I tensed up too much to actually have sex before but after a couple weeks of therapy I tried and was amazed that I could actually do it and enjoyed it. No orgasm yet but it's a big jump from where I was. Try to normalize wI thin your own head a bit and trust that things can change. A lot of it is the limits we set for ourselves in our own minds.