So Close To Suicide...

[KatB]

I recently lost both my young daughters. They were my world and the only blood kin I had in this world. They meant the world to me. The only support system I had was my bf and because of my loss and my issues with my PTSD caused us to completely break apart. To me not having my babies in my arms means I have no purpose. They were what kept me going.

I am sooo sorry Goose! Really, it couldnt have happened at a worse time than now. I understand and know what it's like to lose people that you dearly love, unexpectedly. At least, this might not seem as much( it never does at the moment, been there) but there are others who do know what you feel and know you are not alone. I feel for you :-(

 

[DharmaGirl]

I am so sorry, I can't imagine the pain you must feel.

 

[Sailorgal]

Ooooh Goose,


I'm sooo sorry about your loss. I totally know thr feeling of losing someone due to PTSD when you need them most. It recently happened to me. I'm on my own now.

I really hope you can find comfort cos it's not easy...just sending you lots of hugs....

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Goose, I am so sorry. That's horrific. Do you mean they passed away, or some other reason like a custody one? I know it feels like that, but there must be a purpose, even if you don't feel it or can identify it, still it doesn't mean it isn't there. I am sure you make a big difference to others, if your love has that depth. Your children would never want you to be in such pain because they were part of your life, or are in a different way.

But you have a right, a need, to feel and acknowledge all you feel now. Please hang in there. What the others have said is true. It can get better, it will, and as another said it's not a decision made in isolation, it can harm others as well as obviously yourself. I am glad you were ok with the crisis line. I, too, have never heard of an Emergency kit, but sounds like a good idea.

Lady Vet, thank you for your post. I would 'like' it a 1000 times, in terms of relating to it. Also, I recall years ago hearing "come home" in my head, I've tried to understand it and can never quite, so your reference to home means so much. Thank you, ((((LV))))).

((((((Goose))))), (((((Hugs to All)))))

 

[Lady Vet]

To me not having my babies in my arms means I have no purpose. They were what kept me going.

Oh, Goose...It breaks my heart to read this. And I can absolutely understand how you can feel this way. And I don't mean to minimize these feelings at all by what I am about to share, but I do want to share something that has helped me.

I have felt like I am floundering without purpose for a long time. I have no children of my own (never had any), I've been divorced for nearly 20 years, and I have isolated myself from family and friends because I feel like they don't understand anything that I go through, so I have struggled greatly to find purpose.

But just very recently, something that someone said here in this forum caused me to understand that my purpose isn't a single life purpose. Instead, I now understand that my purpose is defined within and between each and every single relationship that I form, and each is unique. This understanding has filled me with great joy and feeling of purpose because every single person I come in contact with throughout the course of my day creates a purpose in the moment that fulfills that purpose, and it's a lovely peace that I have found on the other side of this change.

Like how here, in this thread. . . .you and I have created a purpose between our spirits, a purpose that is unique between us, because the words you write will affect me uniquely. So the words you wrote here create a purpose with each and every person who reads them, Goose. . . .and they will mean something unique to each one of us. It is a lovely gift that you have shared your pain with us here.

This is my understanding of purpose, and I do not intend for you to change the way you define a life of purpose for yourself, but the way I see this situation is that the purpose you filled within the relationship you had with your daughters may no longer be alive and active in your life, but you are so far from being devoid of purpose. Because for as long as you are alive and breathing, the very essence of your being forms purpose with each person who comes in contact with your beautiful spirit.

You may be grieving deeply for the loss of purpose that filled your life with great joy with your daughters, but it's not the end of your purpose. . . .at least not the way that I have come to understand my own purpose. The loss of your daughters just means that that part of your purpose is no longer living and breathing, but the rest of you is absolutely alive and filled with purpose waiting to be shared with the world.

So I'm sorry that you are grieving so deeply the loss of the relationship, and the loss of that purpose. But I am so very grateful that your spirit has shared its purpose with us here in this forum while you grieve your loss.

Blessing to you this day :)

 

[Goose]

Lady Vet,
Thank you so very much. I dont think I could have explained that better myself. I do feel as though my daughters were my one and only purpose. Since I was a single mother for so long my children defined me and who I was as a person. Now that I do not have that anymore, I do struggle with the question of who I am, what I am and who and what I will become. I do believe that everyone has a purpose. Im just hoping and praying that I find that soon. I need to find peace in my life. I appreciate everyones ideas and thoughtful words of hope and wisdom.