So Confused

[Wolvescry]

Hi again,

I realized a huge trigger for me today, and just weighs me down so much, I just want my brain to function normally. The anxiety and stress bring me to the point of being physically sick, I can't eat I can't sleep, I can barely think. It puts me in a spot that I can not stand. I just want my brain to function normally. I feel so sick.

At work I had bad interactions with co-workers. I was getting along great with everyone. But something happened and I can not put my finger on it. There was one week where I was more depressed, a co worker kept making jokes that he was going to kill me so he can steal my boyfriend. He was joking I know he was not serious but it was a huge trigger. The next week I had a couple of crying spells at work and did my best to hide it. Only one person bothered to ask if I they can help. And of course I thanked them and turned down their offer. How can they help without me pouring out everything I feel, I know it is to much for people to handle. So I kept to myself. Then they open a whole new office and set up a computer in there and suggest I work in there. That was so hurtful. I felt so segregated. I said I can work in the regular office with everyone else. I thought we can get past everything and I can listen to my music most of the time. Instead everyone avoids working in the big office when I am in there. No one comes in to talk to me, not even the person who was concerned in the first place.

I am forced to hear people laugh all day in the other room and am reminded that I can never be a part of that. I understand that social anxiety can be linked to my ptsd. And it has been a big burden on my life. Anyway, This feeling is one that I am too familiar with. My family did not want to deal with me either, my ex either, when I first started school people avoided me and even now at the small school I go to I get mean looks and whispers as I pass. Teachers treat me as if I do not care when really it just I have a hard time communicating.

That feeling just triggers so many detailed memories. I try to figure out how to fix myself just to be reminded I was broken a long time ago. My MMA classes have been great but there a huge trigger too.

I think I want to get hypnotised so i can just forget.

 

[roaminggnome]

I had problems at work too and coworkers started making fun of me. I could hear the comments as they stood outside my cubicle. When I went to return to work after a long absence they seated me with the secretaries not with the other paralegals. I later found out that they had given my job away and the new person was already there. They needed the space for him. I'm sorry that you are in this position. It is not a good place to be in. I'm sending you many hugs if hugs are okay with you.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Gosh a lot of this I felt like I could have written myself. Let me just say that any coworker joking about killing any other team members is inappropriate and it wasn't just your ptsd making that seem out of line. That crosses a line of professionalism and respect. I don't really have a solution for the social anxiety as I often feel the same, but in that at least you know you aren't alone. I also can imagine how frustrating it must feel that your coworkers 'solution' for how you felt was to isolate you. I am however impressed with your MMA classes! I'm sorry you're having to navigate a trigger minefield right now though, its such a painful place to be at. I'll be sending you warm thoughts. I hope you are able to find some small measure of peace to recharge.

 

[Wolvescry]

You know it really helps to know others relate to this and that I am not crazy for feeling these ways. And its feels so nice to have people understand exactly what I am saying and why I am feeling a certain way, instead of being treated like I am being difficult. I can't explain the feeling of gratitude I am having right now.