WesternSky
Bronze Member
I haven't been here in a long while. I was doing really well. I guess if I'm trying to be fair to myself I'm doing pretty well in general compared to the places I've been and the stories I've heard from others. I go to work and function, I'm on new meds, which are finally giving me back the full range of emotion - the ones I was on before I felt were really dulling things. That's also made it a bit difficult to deal with the way emotions change so quickly again. Definitely a bit scary.
I'm disappointed in myself because I've worked hard to overcome a lot of my triggers and usually they just result in a short time of panic that I can bring myself through, but yesterday it really got to me. I haven't had a bad trigger out of the blue in a few years and I thought I had moved past that to where it would only be brief, intense anxiety and then gone. This time was at work and I had to hide in the bathroom and fight flashbacks. My whole body felt disconnected and I reached out to my partner via text to remind me how long we'd lived in our new town to try and give some distance on things because I honestly couldn't remember. I felt like my life might be the dream and I was still back in that awful place, just dreaming an escape because I had finally gone crazy. I was even violently ill over it. I stayed at work for another hour before I could leave and went home and held my dog and he helped a lot. My partner was great in the evening taking care of me but I'm headed back to work today in a few minutes and I hope nobody knows and nobody brings it up again because I still feel very vulnerable and anxious. My PTSD confuses me so much. I feel bad for even saying I have it for many reasons. I didn't experience what seems like the typical things that cause it, I was diagnosed so long ago that I wonder if it was real. Many of my symptoms have been helped by medication and therapy and perhaps even time/distance from that place and I wonder if I was misdiagnosed and should just buck up and be able to ignore it. And then this happens and I remember what it felt like and wonder where I really stand.
I'm disappointed in myself because I've worked hard to overcome a lot of my triggers and usually they just result in a short time of panic that I can bring myself through, but yesterday it really got to me. I haven't had a bad trigger out of the blue in a few years and I thought I had moved past that to where it would only be brief, intense anxiety and then gone. This time was at work and I had to hide in the bathroom and fight flashbacks. My whole body felt disconnected and I reached out to my partner via text to remind me how long we'd lived in our new town to try and give some distance on things because I honestly couldn't remember. I felt like my life might be the dream and I was still back in that awful place, just dreaming an escape because I had finally gone crazy. I was even violently ill over it. I stayed at work for another hour before I could leave and went home and held my dog and he helped a lot. My partner was great in the evening taking care of me but I'm headed back to work today in a few minutes and I hope nobody knows and nobody brings it up again because I still feel very vulnerable and anxious. My PTSD confuses me so much. I feel bad for even saying I have it for many reasons. I didn't experience what seems like the typical things that cause it, I was diagnosed so long ago that I wonder if it was real. Many of my symptoms have been helped by medication and therapy and perhaps even time/distance from that place and I wonder if I was misdiagnosed and should just buck up and be able to ignore it. And then this happens and I remember what it felt like and wonder where I really stand.
