So Disgusted

[Kugu]

To dad: i hate you you. I hope you are rotting in hell. you ruined my life!!! How could you? I hope you suffer every time i shed a tear.

I cant even have normal intimacy with my husband. Its like im being raped or tortured by you!! My nightmares come alive. i start crying. Wtf. All i see is you. Disgusting you!!!!!!!!!


What hurts the most is how bad i hurt my husband.

And now its just me up and all alone
Its dark. I just sit here and drink my beer and try to keep moving forward.

I have so much rage. But hes already dead. Im just sick over all this. SICK!!!!!

I hate you

And f everyone that didnt save me

 

[Kugu]

Sorry that was graphic..one beer down and already calming down.

 

[Azod]

I'm sorry to hear what you are feeling right now :(. I wish I could help you and bring down your pain. I will keep you in my prayers and hope things start getting better for you.

 

[Izazi]

I feel like there are no words to be said, but I will also say a prayer for you.

 

[Enec]

I often self medicate with beer...but am going to try to get away from that as I work through "stuff". I am also hoping some new meds might help. But it is good to write out and process your anger and other feelings and I am glad you shared and hope you continued healing :).

 

[Iciw]

You have "every" right to your pain, and no need to apologize for being graphic. I will never understand how a parent could hurt their child so much... It's wrong - wrong and evil. And they don't seem to realize they hurt you into adulthood.

As I drink wine at 6 am to calm down...last night I called my brother crying because he's the only one that "could" understand the level of torment we went through, and how f*** up our father is... (brother rarely answers phone, but I knew he would understand.) I needed money and a relative contacted my father...uh I'm at the end after being re-exposed to him... he sends me small check with "repayment terms, bible versus, a lesson and bible".

Uh...well let's just say yesterday I emailed father the "lessons" he taught me --- recurring nightmares since teenager about end of world (death, impending death), missing time, dissociation (so hard to admit).... these are "great lessons" to teach a human being --- not to mention your kid.

He sends Bible versus of end of world and guilt? Like I'm the one that needs saving? I never hurt another human being - more than I can say for him! He's harmed far more people than my mom and brothers. And he sends me bible? F*** Up.

Sorry for rant.... You will be in my thoughts and totally get rot in hell. Some people don't deserve children.

 

[Gafi]

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You are not what he did to you.
You are not what he said you are.
He is a disgusting, selfish, sick human being.
You were totally innocent, and he took advantange of that.

You are so much more. You deserve to heal.

I pray that you find your way out of this soon.

 

[Cebiku]

I'm really sorry for your pain. Unfortunately though the answers not at the bottom of a beer bottle . I speak from personal experience . It's a temporary fix , temporary pain healer and will ultimately make you feel worse. It will become a habit and can end up destroying you, it will fill you with rage, and hatred which are emotions you are already feeling but it will enhance these feelings massively . Please get some professional help , speak to someone you trust. Release these emotions and feelings you have but in a safe environment . I pray you find peace and deal with these emotions . You can get through this, please don't give up or lose faith , don't allow your father to win by ruining your life. My thoughts are with you x

 

[Ufupo]

Op here
Thanks to all the replies. My rage when trigged like that is horrible and i have not found out how to deal with it yet