So embarassed

[Benu]

I'm new to the forum but have been looking in now and again.
I've had PTSD since childhood I guess, though never knew that was the "name" for what was happening. I'm 38 now and have finally after so many years entered trauma therapy. I guess its specified as CPTSD. I'm having a hard time with it. I have problems asking for help. I literally CANT. My therapist always says I can reach out, but I just cant seem to do it. I'll self talk until i convince myself im okay when i know im really not. And ill just continue to let it eat at me until I can't stand it anymore.
I'll try to cut to the chase.. I'm adopted but know my biological family. It's not a healthy situation for me to see them, yet I still bought a ticket to go see them. Of course it triggered me and I came home in pieces. But I held it together as best I could, until I couldn't. I went to my session and basically word vomitted things ive always kept secret.
I left that session pretty messed up but if I'm anything it's a good actress convincing everyone I'm just fine. Only I was past my breaking point and had NO idea how to ask for help. So i left her office telling her im good, ive got this.
I wasn't good and I defenitly didnt have "this".

I knew I needed help but knew I couldn't ask for it, UNLESS I got drunk. So I didn't "contain" myself. I knew I was bad off and got drunk knowing I'd break down. I rarely drink to excess. It's Just something I've learned through the years. PTSD and alcohol don't mix. But once every other year i loose my stuff, need help, can't ask for it so decide to obliterate myself in order to ask for help...you can imagine what happened I'm sure.
I felt in my drunken stuper I could finally say I wasn't okay. I told my therapist, I called my boss to tell them I needed time off and called my parents to tell them I was breaking down and the only thing I knew to do was go to the hospital. So I did. I went. They didn't admit me because, well because once I was sitting in that hospital bed I sobered up enough to say it was a mistake and I would be fine. I'm kind of mad they didnt see through that. But being hospitalized is too confining and embarrassing for me so its probably for the best in the long run.
Everyone has been super supportive. My parents, work, therapist and friends...they've all made sure I was okay today. But I can't bring myself to go back to work. Everyone knows now that I have this and I'm so embarrassed. Im supposed to call work and talk to them about how much time I need off but I feel so exposed and humiliated I havent been able to. I'm still so anxious that I havnt been able to sleep or deal with other people even though i wish I could have company. My parents want to comfort me but when I'm triggered I cant be touched and I know it makes them feel badly that I can't even let them sit near me. They're worried that I live alone but I can't stand to be around anyone so declined the invitation to sleep at their house. I declined having dinner with friends or even having them over.
I'm not on any medication thinking i can do this without that kind of help...but maybe its time to consider that kind of help. I have to do something. I can't just keep going like this. I need this anxiety to be under control.
My therapist says there's ups and downs and it's okay. But I'm just so ashamed and embarrassed. Even my boss says they just want to help. Best case scenario, right? Except all I feel is Shame and humiliation because I want everything to be okay so badly and everyone knows it's not. I can't hide my ptsd anymore and I don' like that.
Am I alone in all of this? I feel alone. Like everyone is normal and I'm over here a hot mess. I don't know what to do. I just can't go back to work. I can't even face myself let alone anyone else.

 

[Ifuz]

No, you’re not alone. Many of us struggle with asking people for help.

 

[Sone]

You are not alone. I have had to learn it is ok not to be ok and in the long run it is more damaging to pretend....definitely something i am still working on.

 

[Benu]

Everyday. I'm trying to learn it's okay. That's my biggest struggle, learning to say I'm not okay, please help me. Not sure what that help looks like but it has to be better than this.

 

[Satohi]

You took a huge leap forward telling your t you were not ok, knowing and saying you needed off from work. Yes, you left the hospital, but you went. You are in the process of recognizing you need help. For me when I have that huge hesitation, pretending all ok when I am drowning...I try to look back and ask myself how that has worked in the past or is currently. I wish I had an easy answer, but not sure there is one. Baby steps.

 

[Ilu]

I'm new to the forum but have been looking in now and again.
I've had PTSD since childhood I guess, though never knew th...

Nope. You are not alone in the lease.

 

[Benu]

Thank you so much for your replies. It always helps to know I'm not alone in what I'm feeling, though in a perfect world I wish none of us had to go through this. Baby steps is defenitly a good thing to remember...Thank you!

 

[Nuga]

I completely hear you and feel like I am reading parts of my own story. I fns it so difficult to ask for help ad if I can sum up the courage and say it to my family or T I instantly deflect, feel too exposed and vulnerable and clammer up. Its so hard but you have o keep trying. Every time your try you accomplish something, no matter how small it is. Going to the hospital was a huge step and it doest matter that you only went cause you were drunk, next time you might make it to the door sober and the time after you make it.. Just know you are not alone. Its so hard, its painful. The feeling of shame is so crippling, we hold so much shame that isn't even ours to hold. I get it.

Sending you lots of support and comfort.

 

[Aho]

. Everyone knows now that I have this and I'm so embarrassed. Im

Except all I feel is Shame and humiliation because I want everything to be okay so badly and everyone kno

Yep. You just described me. I still fight against people knowing that I'm "broken" and it horrifies me if people find out why.

It is getting easier but it's a long slow process. Coming here helped because it was full of people who know what I'm going thru and who actually support me! Gasp!!

You took the first step...You asked for help. That's the hardest messiest part

 

[Narej]

Oh my gosh!! You have just described in detail exactly the struggle that I have had since childhood, too!!! To ask for help is excruciatingly difficult!! The only thing I don't do is drink, though I have thought about using it to drown out the sadness. Thank you for being so descriptive. You said things that I have not been able to say. My T has asked me to ask for help and to seek out a couple of people who can support me when the big black hole strikes. No can do. I simply buck it up and swallow the distress. And, yes, many of us PTSDers should be given oscars because of our ability to act as if we were the most friendly and balanced folks around. I know how to look normal but my gut is fully torn up by the hidden turmoil and knives stabbing me. This is embarrassing. Like you, the shame and humiliation is horrible. BUT, remember the turmoil is internal. You are not obligated to detail the full reasons for your PTSD to anyone. Go back to work or stay home for a few days. But do call your boss. Thank your boss for being so willing to work with you and either arrange to go back to work, or tell him you need a few days off. I would simply tell him that you got hit with a black hole and it threw you for a loop but you are working through it. There is no shame in that. I can guarantee you that you are tremendously harder on yourself than how others see you. It seems to go with there PTSD territory.

 

[Hito]

Am I alone in all of this? I feel alone. Like everyone is normal and I'm over here a hot mess. I don't know what to do. I just can't go back to work. I can't even face myself let alone anyone else.

Nope. You just described me.

If you want to reeeeeally be me? Never contact your work again, quit therapy, and walk away from your family. In a few years when you don’t have a supportive job, therapist, or relationships? Then ask for help again, but this time of strangers, who won’t in any way be able to help you. Screw around with that for awhile, and toy around with getting help from people who actually can help you. But don’t follow through for a couple years.

I don’t suggest being me.

 

[Ocafu]

You're thinking, waaay too much. Look into CBT, ways to "think" less. You're so many places at once, I see why you "broke" down! You're very intelligent, I feel that from your post. Work on grounding yourself and staying present. You can do it.