Orglethorp
Not Active
I have a date in a few hours. I realize that most of the replies to this thread will come after said date has taken place, but that's okay, because I hope there will be more dates to come. I've been so nervous all morning, and I need some advice.
I'm 25, but I started a new degree, so I'm 6 years older, on average, than most of my classmates. It's no surprise then that my date is with someone who's younger than me. I'm completely okay with this. Age is just a number. Relationships work or don't work because of who people are, not how long they've been alive. If he hasn't figured out that I'm older than he is by now, I'd be very surprised. He knows I didn't enter this program straight out of high school, and he knows who I typically hang out with (there's a group of 7 of us "older ladies"). I'm hoping this means he's okay with it. The thing is, I don't know if he knows how much older I am, and I don't know if that would change things. He did glance at my resume the other day (we went to the university's career fair together), but I'm not sure if he read it and saw that 2006 high school graduation date. People often guess my age 4-6 years too young. If he hasn't asked around, I bet he thinks I'm around 21. When should I tell him?
Next, the PTSD thing. This is obviously not first date conversation material. I'm really not sure when and how I should disclose this, though. I haven't had a date in 3 years, and before that I was in a 3-year relationship with someone who had personal experience with childhood trauma and had been depressed (but never had PTSD). He met me about a year after my diagnosis, so my PTSD symptoms were very obvious. I relapsed with both depression and self harm badly while I was in that relationship, too. It was natural and necessary for him to know, and very little of what I told him ever came as a surprise. He usually had it figured out before I said it.
It's going be completely different with the guy I'm going on a date with today. Based on what I know about him so far, he's been fortunate enough to have a good life so far. I'm also different myself. I will always have PTSD, but I've learned to live with it. If you introduced me to 100 people, I bet at least 98 of them would have to be told that I have PTSD. There are very few conversation topics we could explore that would give anything away.
If this becomes a relationship, though, there will be a point that I'll have to tell him. I don't want to reveal it too soon, because I want him to know me first. I want him to know that I'm always going to be okay, even if I hit a rough patch. I want him to see the strong, confident, happy person that I've become before I tell him about the darker side of my past. The trouble is, I don't know when that should be. I also have no idea how.
My PTSD stems from childhood abuse. I'm an incest survivor, but I was also physically and emotionally abused. I had a wonderful mother and my maternal grandparents stepped in to help raise my sister and I, so my childhood wasn't all bad, but I have very few positive memories of my father. I never know how to handle myself in conversations about childhood memories or family. I never know when or how much I should tell people about my father.
I also have two very specific PTSD-related worries that may come up quickly. The first is the fact that I don't have a driver's license. Anyone who does drive finds that odd and wants to know why. The real answer is that my father did all sorts of terrifying things to me in his car, and I've never been able to be comfortable in cars since. I often start to think I can't breathe when I'm in cars (even though there's nothing physically wrong) because the air feels too thick. Since I still have that strong, consistent symptom in cars, which I link with PTSD, I'm afraid that I'll have a panic attack while driving and put myself and/or others in danger. How exactly do I get around that in conversation?
The second is that one of the few physical anxiety triggers I still have is being touched on the front of my neck (throat area I guess, from chin to collar bone). This is a huge improvement from 4-5 years ago, as I no longer freak out when someone touches my shoulders. It's still an immediate concern though, because I know it's not unusual for guys to touch chins and necks when going in for a kiss. Obviously I can remove a hand and say I don't like that, but I'm worried about being triggered and then needing to explain myself.
I'm 25, but I started a new degree, so I'm 6 years older, on average, than most of my classmates. It's no surprise then that my date is with someone who's younger than me. I'm completely okay with this. Age is just a number. Relationships work or don't work because of who people are, not how long they've been alive. If he hasn't figured out that I'm older than he is by now, I'd be very surprised. He knows I didn't enter this program straight out of high school, and he knows who I typically hang out with (there's a group of 7 of us "older ladies"). I'm hoping this means he's okay with it. The thing is, I don't know if he knows how much older I am, and I don't know if that would change things. He did glance at my resume the other day (we went to the university's career fair together), but I'm not sure if he read it and saw that 2006 high school graduation date. People often guess my age 4-6 years too young. If he hasn't asked around, I bet he thinks I'm around 21. When should I tell him?
Next, the PTSD thing. This is obviously not first date conversation material. I'm really not sure when and how I should disclose this, though. I haven't had a date in 3 years, and before that I was in a 3-year relationship with someone who had personal experience with childhood trauma and had been depressed (but never had PTSD). He met me about a year after my diagnosis, so my PTSD symptoms were very obvious. I relapsed with both depression and self harm badly while I was in that relationship, too. It was natural and necessary for him to know, and very little of what I told him ever came as a surprise. He usually had it figured out before I said it.
It's going be completely different with the guy I'm going on a date with today. Based on what I know about him so far, he's been fortunate enough to have a good life so far. I'm also different myself. I will always have PTSD, but I've learned to live with it. If you introduced me to 100 people, I bet at least 98 of them would have to be told that I have PTSD. There are very few conversation topics we could explore that would give anything away.
If this becomes a relationship, though, there will be a point that I'll have to tell him. I don't want to reveal it too soon, because I want him to know me first. I want him to know that I'm always going to be okay, even if I hit a rough patch. I want him to see the strong, confident, happy person that I've become before I tell him about the darker side of my past. The trouble is, I don't know when that should be. I also have no idea how.
My PTSD stems from childhood abuse. I'm an incest survivor, but I was also physically and emotionally abused. I had a wonderful mother and my maternal grandparents stepped in to help raise my sister and I, so my childhood wasn't all bad, but I have very few positive memories of my father. I never know how to handle myself in conversations about childhood memories or family. I never know when or how much I should tell people about my father.
I also have two very specific PTSD-related worries that may come up quickly. The first is the fact that I don't have a driver's license. Anyone who does drive finds that odd and wants to know why. The real answer is that my father did all sorts of terrifying things to me in his car, and I've never been able to be comfortable in cars since. I often start to think I can't breathe when I'm in cars (even though there's nothing physically wrong) because the air feels too thick. Since I still have that strong, consistent symptom in cars, which I link with PTSD, I'm afraid that I'll have a panic attack while driving and put myself and/or others in danger. How exactly do I get around that in conversation?
The second is that one of the few physical anxiety triggers I still have is being touched on the front of my neck (throat area I guess, from chin to collar bone). This is a huge improvement from 4-5 years ago, as I no longer freak out when someone touches my shoulders. It's still an immediate concern though, because I know it's not unusual for guys to touch chins and necks when going in for a kiss. Obviously I can remove a hand and say I don't like that, but I'm worried about being triggered and then needing to explain myself.
