So I Tell Them I'm Unsafe And That's A Good Thing?

[Sandstone]

I walked a round trip of just over thirteen miles yesterday to tell Mental Health that I don't think I'm behaving very safely. What a waste that was. The only thing I've achieved is to pass some more hours, which seems to be the main function of my day.

Things have been deteriorating for several weeks, and I've been taking random excess doses of random drugs, to see what happens, and in the hope of some short term oblivion. I've also been struggling more and more with the desire to crash the car. Two days ago I came out from therapy in a state of total despair, got into the car and thought "NO, this isn't safe" I longed just to rev it up and crash into the wall of the ward. So I got into the back eat and lay down to try to sleep it off. That wasn't happening, so I took a triple dose of sleeping pills.

I woke up four hours later, and drove home.

It was only while I was walking in yesterday that I realised that I obviously wasn't safe to drive, heaven knows what I could have done. I have no recollection of the drive home and virtually none of that evening. I THINK my husband said he'd called the police because he was worried about me.

I saw some blokey I'd never met before - my CPN is off sick (ironically, with stress) and I refused to see my therapist who I've never liked, trusted or been able to communicate with. He told me I was speaking articulately, had recognised that driving was unsafe and had creatively got in the back. I lost my rag a bit, and said that conveniently meant I wasn't a problem - that I hadn't been a problem when I hadn't told them how I was behaving and now wasn't a problem because I had told them. Obviously I'd only be any sort of issue if I'd killed someone while driving drugged. Then I walked home. I've cancelled all future appointments with therapist and contacted a private one who is reputed to be good, Maybe I should have known that the NHS would be a waste of a year. I'm so tired of going into things full of hope and having them not work. If the reason they didn't work was consistent, I'd know it was me and I needed to change something. But I liked, trusted and respected the first person I saw. I had to stop seeing him because he couldn't prescribe the meds I needed. I then got lost in the admin system of the next service and spent months on a waiting list for an assessment. Finally I got referred on to this service.

I'm pretty sure I know the things underlying this appalling slump, but knowing doesn't give me a way to move on.
They were:-

- the fear of, experience of and reaction to my ATOS assessment for state benefits

- the fact that it's been a year of treatment and I'm still no further on - and out of that year we have only spent two weeks speaking about any traumas


- having a series of things where people had to come to the house, when usually I don't see anyone

- having my husband drag out of me in the course of row about an object I'm scared of, why and hence who my initial abuser was - I've deliberately never said because it just complicated things too much

This was probably just a rant.

 

[Ice_Fire]

((((stenni))))

Oh Lord how this makes me angry! The NHS are rubbish. I was supposed to have had my assessment with a psychiatrist on Wednesday- they cancelled. Sadly, they just haven't the inclination, training or resources to know what to do. They also seem to be lacking in empathy and humanity.

I hope your new therapist works out okay for you.

Stay safe.

 

[mamachick]

How frustrating. When I hear these kind of things it makes me so mad. We say we are trying to remove the stigma of mental illness, but would we treat other types of patients this way? Not so much.

I swear, here in US, that the system is designed for the very depressed to attempt suicide or something, so they can be put on a crisis unit and get paid, rather than do something to help prevent it from getting that bad. I know we could not prevent all attempts, but many I do believe could be preventable.

 

[Sandstone]

The NHS are rubbish

At least it has finally made me move away from the NHS and look at what else is available. As well as the therapist, I've contacted our local Mind, and someone from there is coming to see me next week.

would we treat other types of patients this way?

No, now I come to think of it. If I went to the Rheumatologist and said I was getting an increase of symptoms, he or his team would look at what was going on and how it could be helped.

I wonder if the problem is that hey have so many patients with "worse" conditions - schizophrenia, Bipolar etc and tend to assume they need the main focus.But that doesn't help me.

 

[Abstract]

Makes me so angry on your behalf Stenni. It seems to me that there is such penalisation of anyone who is mature and responsible when it comes to mental health. They should ask themselves what they encourage.

Just because someone is able to verbalise what is happening and is fighting against it does not make them any less vulnerable. :mad:

But I do think you are right and it is sure to come down to the fact that they are fire-fighting, totally under resourced and overwhelmed. And that there are enormous amounts of people who should be getting more help that are turned away all the time. Mental health that is. Everyone jabbers away all the time about anyone with medical conditions who are not seen to appropriately straight away.

This may turn out to be the best thing for you though. :) Sometimes horrible situations precipitate change and healing. I hope mind can help you.

 

[Queen Boudica]

At least it has finally made me move away from the NHS and look at what else is available. As well as the therapist, I've contacted our local Mind, and someone from there is coming to see me next week.

Many others would have given up. This shows immense strength that you were banging your head against the wall with the NHS but you value yourself and trust your own judgement to know that you need help and you then found alternatives and are actively pursuing them.

I hope the therapist and/or Mind get you the help you deserve. :tup:

 

[Sandstone]

Many others would have given up.

Giving up is my final option. I told the Psychiatrist at the start of this that I planned to use everything the NHS had to offer. If that proved not to be enough then I'd look at what what available privately. Only when I've exhausted every avenue will I feel that it's OK to give up on a life that is currently unbearable and pointless.

But why does it have to be SO hard? Why is it such a struggle to focus my brain enough to read a few pages of a supportive book? why doesn't what I learn "take" and stay with me? I want to work on Mindfulness and Self compassion - it makes complete sense to me that this is something useful. Yet when I've tried to work from websites I just don't get it. I lay awake for 5 hours last night waiting for my brain to slow down enough to go to sleep. Whinge!

 

[Queen Boudica]

I've had the same problem Stenni. My brain just would not focus. I can say I have been in therapy for 2 years now with a psychologist who I think has saved my life and my brain is starting to focus better, still a struggle and moments of such despair but it is getting better, I am starting to think clearer. Before there was constant fog and just so much confusion in my brain with constant thinking and panic and fear; now it is getting clearer. I struggled with books too, now it is easier, I still have to put in a lot of effort but it is much better.

You have drive and determination, I think I have that too and that has kept me going and it will help you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi Stenni,

I urge you to continue practicing mindfulness. It took me almost a year of working on it regularly before I could tap into it quickly to calm myself. It helped that I worked on it with my therapist during every session so I could get help finding what worked and what didn't.

 

[OutofTouch]

Interesting.

Mindfulness.

I can understand mindfulness but I can't seem to steer it towards anything productive.
2 summers ago I mastered the ability to quit beating myself up for not being able to get up in the morning.

I accepted my inability to function properly, I accepted my total lack of motivation , I accepted that I no longer did the things I once loved doing. I became mindful of what was left.....which was absolutely nothing but dragging my butt to a cafe to stare away the day.

Mindfulness.

Fortunately, I have enough money to live at a survival level for maybe 10 to 15 years but what drudgery. When I see the street people, I'm beginning to see myself. The only difference between the mentally ill on the street and me is that I have enough money for now to stay off the streets. Maybe mindfulness will open me up to an alternative way of living that will end my loneliness but anxiety tends to throw cold water on social activities.

I wish I could be in love

But I look into the past and remember how difficult that can be when your partner cannot understand and accept the condition you are in.

 

[mamachick]

Im so sorry stenni-I know what it is like to be unable to quiet the brain. I feel overwhelmed all the time. When I finally get a few weeks of peace and back on a decent sleep schedule, some other life event seems to erupt and shake my world up, and the complete overwhelming feelings return.

My dr prescribes 1.5 mg xanax per day (evening/bedtime) for me to be able to sleep. I was doing well, then some other stuff happened that set me back. A couple of nights ago, I kept taking another .5 pill until I was up to 3 full mg. and finally fell asleep after dawn. Then not up til 4 or 5 pm. I cant get the mindfulness thing either. I see my pcp tomorrow and am asking for an anti depressant that treats anxiety best. I know that we need a holistic approach and we are not all capable of the same. Please keep fighting for your needs.

 

[JennML8]

Stenni,
You mentioned there was a therapist that you trusted but he wasn't able to give you the medications that you asked for. Is it at all possible for you go back and see him for just talk therapy and get medications from someone else? Is this a possibility for you?
Best of wishes Stenni.