So Low

[SwordsPandaGirl]

I don't even know where to start..

I have been avoiding the forum (I hope you all can forgive me) because I have been spiraling down hill. Things were getting bad and I felt I couldn't handle anything. I didn't want to get out of bed, shower, eat etc let alone come on here because It just felt too much. Every day I felt like I was coming closer to my end. I couldn't stop crying or harming myself up until the point that I knew I must end my life.

I was put on medication which was helping but now it feels like its not?! This is one of the hardest things to say but what if there is no hope for me anymore? everyday is too much of a struggle. My nightmares are getting worse, im afraid to sleep in my bed and have been trying to sleep on my sofa. I feel like there is no one out there who understands the pain im going through ( I know you all do but right now, the people around me, dont understand) I feel completely alone and like no one cares about me, or what happens to me. I feel like they would all be better off without me.

I don't see the point on trying to continue. There is nothing for me in this world. I can't function anyway. It has taken me months to be able to come back and write a thread but now, I feel I have no where else t turn.

I don't know why I have decided to come on today after so long and again, I am sorry for the friends I have not been in contact with on here. But I feel so low, so horrible and like there is no hope for me. I just can't continue this way :'( I don't know what else to try. Ive been through CBT, Exposure therapy and medication. What else is there?! :'(

 

[expectingbetter]

I am really sorry you are feeling that way.
I am glad you have had enough energy to come here to the forum after all that time. It is a good sign.
You already know that here we understand what you are going through.
We all lose hope from time to time, it is extremely hard. I know and I sympathize with you. I feel similar so often.
I know that people around don't get it that's why we isolate ourselves so much and so often.
I encourage you to try to visit this Forum more and to engage with people here more. For me it is a life savior.
My safe place. Here you can find so kind people to talk to at anytime or day and night.
I encourage you to hold on, I am so aware of the pain you are going through but please don't lose all hope, try to see at least a tiny light at your way.
Please try to make a list of things that you love and try to do something daily for your soul only. Try to be as much gentle towards yourself as you can be. You deserve to be cared for.
And keep looking for help, don't give up, if one therapy had been wrong, try another, or another therapist.
Please don't give up, you deserve to be good and to feel better. And I hope that eventually things will improve.
If you can't go through one way, try another.
And here you would get real support.
We are here for you.

 

[seedling]

Sorry you are in this place. I'm so sorry it all feels so overwhelming.

I've always felt that I needed a physical type of treatment to go along with my (talk type) therapy.
I did acupuncture along with CBT. It helped me sleep, started me off on getting my hormonal cycles regulated (cortisol lowered, less anxiety),gave me an appetite, brought me in to the present at least for a little while.

I'm doing EMDR now and it's brought huge relief and resolved many of the emotions in my traumatic memories. Not sure if that's a fit for you or not. I feel like it processes the memories in my brain (physically) so that I don't react out of them any more.

My therapist is learning somatic experiencing and we've done a little of that. Again, the actual physical release of the held emotional body pain.

Is there anything you can do that will give you the experience of feeling good physically?

 

[Enaila]

I can relate. It is so hard to reach out for help when feelings of not feeling worthy are foremost in one's mind. I appreciate you taking time to reach out and letting me know I am not the only one who goes through time periods like you are experiencing. My therapist allows and encourages me to text her when I get to feeling extremely depressed. I can just text, "having a tough time," and she texts back within a few hours at the most. It is reassuring to know she is there to help. It has taken me a long time to get to point I reach out when depressed. I'm glad you are reaching out. It is a healthy step. Please don't give up.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

PLEASE (((PandaGirl))) DON'T GIVE UP!
Your thoughts are distorted, and you can't "see the sun"! Maybe the medication has stopped being effective, or another needs to be added? Call your doctor? EMDR helps! Have my you tried that?

Keep reaching out! I don't know you, but I know that you deserve to live!!!
May I send hugs? :hug::hug::hug::hug:
AKJ

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I just feel so broken :( I'm sorry that you understand this pain. No one should feel this pain. The only way I can describe it is as if something is crushing my lungs and I'm trying to keep fighting it and breathing but it just keeps crushing them further, everytime I try, it gets worse and worse.

 

[Philosopher108]

Hi Swords,

Man I wish I could just tell you something to make you feel better or give you a shoulder to cry on, but I can't. I know what that hopelessness feels like. And I know that I am virtually powerless to help you.

All I can say is that it is good for you to reach out because we understand, and we will do whatever we can to help you feel less alone, less hopeless. Try not to isolate yourself whether online or with local support.

You are tired. You feel like you can't fight anymore. But you may yet survive. And you may yet thrive.

 

[rainy_daze]

A like there because I hear you Swords.

The thing about being broken is that you can be put back together. I don't think you are broken, but I know at this time you will see yourself that way and feel awful.

It is so good you are reaching out here because it sounds like you are being crushed with the weight of it. I have been there, unable to move, eat, wash, function or barely speak.

Is there anyone that could visit you? I do not mean to ask a question that may be stupid.

Are you able to use the samaritans or a similar charity? Is there a way you can try one tiny thing each day that is a comfort to you?

I do not know how to answer your question about what else is there. Persevere dear Swords, I think you will get through this

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

@Philosopher108 Thank you for your kind words.

@rainy_daze no I live alone :( I have/ am atm using a hotline. I'm not sure what brings me comfort anymore :(

thanks for trying to help me everyone. I really do appreciate it. I just can't handle this feeling anymore :( It feels like there is nothing I can do and there is no future foe me.

 

[anthony]

You're here because you're reaching out for help. So, what's really on your mind?

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

I feel like im suffocating. I can't think forward because it feels like there is nothing for me, no one I can reach out to. I feel like I am a disgrace of a person no matter what I do, I will never find happiness or acceptance.

I hate that I don't know who I am, what I like or anything. It is a hard thing for me to explain but its like feeling empty. The things I once enjoyed have been taken away from me because of HIM. I feel I have no direction or meaning in life. Struggling to do just the basic things like showering or even getting up is horrible. The struggle of going to bed is also horrific because i have anxiety when it comes to sleep because I keep seeing HIM in my sleep. Im suffering so much and he is out there enjoying his life and I cant stand it! He turned my family against me and made them all think im a lier :( I hate that he has no worry in the world and im stuck with all this crap! it's unfair! I don't want this! I didn't ask for this! I hate him so much!

I can't reach out to anyone in my life because no one understand what i'm going through. they try and belittle my feelings (and I know some of them do not do it to hurt me but it still pains me that I feel so alone in this). I feel like I am too much for people.

I feel like my future holds nothing for me except more pain and misery and I don't want to keep feeling this way. It feels like no matter what therapy I try or self-help or medication, nothing will take this empty feeling, loneliness and pain away.

Sorry for the rant (having a mini break down).

 

[anthony]

nothing will take this empty feeling, loneliness and pain away.

There are a whole range of things to accomplish this, but first you have to stop being the victim and take control of you. You're blaming others for the way you feel, and that is inaccurate logic. Nobody makes you feel any certain way, only you make you feel a certain way based on others interaction with you.

Think about that and try to understand it before you conclude that I am attacking or dismissing your experience. If you understand the above statement, then you will not arrive at either of these conclusions, but one of acceptance and that your life now sits in your hands as to what happens with it.

Nobody can change your life, no therapy, no medication, nothing, other than you. These factors only influence you to help yourself, they don't directly help you otherwise. Therapy is an indirect process of getting you to help yourself, nothing else. There is no magic in the process, but the process is proven effective.

There is nothing wrong with being angry at your abuser, if it helps you. Is the anger helping you or limiting you? Is any amount of anger going to change what happened to you?