so restless. want to leave everything behind, get drunk alone. what do you do?

[brokenpony]

i am crawling out of my skin with restlessness. i try to turn this restlessness into something good and do something productive to distract from the feeling, but i can't concentrate on anything. i try to watch a show and can't do that either and just scroll through my phone. i just want to go go go but i don't know where to go.

i get this feeling a lot but lately it has been especially bad. i want to tear out of my body like some animal. i want to leave everything behind and just drive.

when i get like this i immediately want to drink. i think about driving to the store and getting some whiskey and just drinking alone at home, which brings back my emotions for a period and usually allows me to either work or cry (or both). or sometimes i drink past the point of working and get tired enough to just go to sleep.

one recent time i drank at home i cried hysterically and it was very cathartic since i am usually so numb. last time i did i was able to work on some writing while drinking. i need to write to feel sane. this is why it is so tempting but i know it is a bad idea.

i caved on one vice and have taken up smoking again and am trying not to have them unless i am super stressed or panicking, but that's so many times a day lately. i am thinking that i will have a cigarette to at least distract me, hoping it will snap me out of this. but it would only a few minutes and then i know i will be back to crawling out.

i have no idea how i am going to live half a century longer on this earth? help?

 

[Friday]

This is very much me, right now. I started smoking again a few years ago, and am actually halfway functional when I’m drinking :wtf: Pisses me off, no end, but it also tones down the Go! Go! Go!, livens my mood, & I’m a lot more present. I enjoy drinking socially, I despise using it as a tool. It annoys me no end. Sigh.

I know exactly how to fix it.

I need something useful, fun, purposeful to direct the Go! Go! Go! Into. Several somethings, in point of fact. Built into a flexible & varying routine. Passion & Purpose? Can’t be underestimated as to their effect on my... I was going to say life... but really, it’s everything. My life, my outlook, my sense of self, my balance, my emotional monitoring and regulation, my reasoning, my everything. A life built around living it.

Knowing how to fix it and being able to fix it? 2 different things.

 

[brokenpony]

This is very much me, right now. I started smoking again a few years ago, and am actually halfway functional when I’m drinking :wtf: Pisses me off, no end, but it also tones down the Go! Go! Go!, livens my mood, & I’m a lot more present. I enjoy drinking socially, I despise using it as a tool. It annoys me no end. Sigh.

I know exactly how to fix it.

I need something useful, fun, purposeful to direct the Go! Go! Go! Into. Several somethings, in point of fact. Built into a flexible & varying routine. Passion & Purpose? Can’t be underestimated as to their effect on my... I was going to say life... but really, it’s everything. My life, my outlook, my sense of self, my balance, my emotional monitoring and regulation, my reasoning, my everything. A life built around living it.

Knowing how to fix it and being able to fix it? 2 different things.

in the day i have been going on long drives to try to get it out of my system, hoping it will make night easier. i drive out far away and find a place to smoke a cigarette and then drive home so basically i drive like 90 min round trip to smoke one cigarette. sadly i did buy some bourbon recently but so far i am doing okay with not totally abusing it. will see how long that lasts... hope you are doing better with it.