Sober But Numb

[Chava]

I'm a couple weeks sober now after having gone through a period of crazy alcoholic relapse. So, that's good. But I feel really numb and detached, like I've just backslid a lot. I don't really have any feelings about my life and don't feel connected to anyone. I hope this is a temporary down shift that's just helping me stay sober, especially through less structured times like my weekends. But the feeling of disconnection is pretty heavy.

Probably my therapist even feels like I wasted my last appointment, like I wasn't even there. If I try to look at my motivation, like what I'm drawn to, it's just something totally f*cked up and not of this world, like going to a place before I was born. So, I'm just trying to act like a normal person, but isolating all weekend because my numbness is not so becoming.

I'm trying to keep it together. I'm glad I'm sober, so remembering that means something.

:meh::meh::meh::meh::meh::meh::meh::meh:

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well done @Chava. Don't forget that monkey on your back trying to talk you into drinking. Let the days and nights come as they will without judgement. You'll have good times and lots of spooky times. Don't make any rash decisions. Remember what led up to your relapse. It was a lengthy period of time that you felt the disconnect. You were experiencing a lot of distress around interpersonal relationships-what they are what they mean why can't I relate? Just because you're sober doesn't mean the reasons for picking up are going to vaporize. See where I'm going here? Let's think of a non lethal way to get past your distress. You sound like you're dissociative. That numb gray stare at the fog. Arghh Chava, it comes uninvited. It physically hurts and there is no explanation for it. Does your therapist understand alcoholism? What I mean is cancel out all your trauma and disappointments in having to stop playing music-a huge loss by the way-your mind would find something to upset you. It's how addiction works.

Do you feel any connection to your friends on the forum? It's safe to disclose any and all your thoughts without being judged. Where else can you get such a great deal as that? I took Annie for a long walk in this beach community full of happy beachcombers. I couldn't make eye contact with any of them. I eventually came upon three young boys hauling large stones out of a creek. They were deep in planning some sort of creation and were as free as the birds. I finally smiled.

Give it some time. Go to your favorite meetings. Booze cures nothing. If you're dissociating all day it's gonna drive you bonkers. Got your grounding tools? Are you journaling? Are you stating what you're grateful for at bedtime? Hang in there. Keep writing. Ignore the f*cking monkey.

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.

 

[Flossy]

@Chava Can you look at your feelings a little bit closer and focus in to see if you are numb or unmotivated.

One could be confused for the other. You may be unmotivated and you may by thinking you are feeling numb.

The main reason I ask is that I find Pristiq and/or Wellbutrin motivating medications.

The Pristiq through noradrenaline and the Wellbutrin through Dopamine.

Wellbutrin is also used off-label for smoking and alcohol abuse.

I know we have talked before and I cannot recall if you have issues regarding these kinds of meds. I do remember you are now on an tricyclic just started recently. Sorry, I cant rely on my brain , but I thought it was worth suggesting there may be an underlying depressive aspect that involves lack of motivation. There is for me. This makes me isolate and sit on the couch a lot unless my dosage is at the correct dose for recent circumstances.

 

[Chava]

Just because you're sober doesn't mean the reasons for picking up are going to vaporize. See where I'm going here? Let's think of a non lethal way to get past your distress.

Thanks for all your thoughts and encouragement @KwanYingirl . :hug: I don't feel very distressed. I just feel blank more lately. I did wonder about my meds, but some days I feel really good. It seems like when drinking is on the tip of my imagination my next response is numbness, like I can pull away from all thoughts and feelings. It's like a negative version of meditation where I sort of get too detached. I'm an expert at detached, but thought I was getting more connected (internally and with the outside world).

But I suppose some degree of detachment helps me not f*ck everything up. It's so subtle but persistent some days that I would not even know if it's dissociation or some other version of detachment. Yesterday was quite useless. I was in some pain, so there is that too...how to allow myself to just lay down and do nothing most of the day? Better if I am sort of detached actually. There was a lot that was becoming physically sickening to tolerate.

@Flossy , thank you. I can't take wellbutrin (really unmanageable side effects for me, even on smallest dose). I am taking 10mg amitriptyline to help with sleep. That's nothing. But it could be added some to numb effect. Sometimes I feel relaxed, but for me that easily tips into detached or numb. It's like I can't feel good relaxed. Anyway, I don't want to quit or switch meds because it seems to also help me stay sober and get through the evening.

 

[Ellabella44]

Congrats about your few weeks! You can do it!

 

[anonymous]

Hmmmmm.......how about exercise to get some endorphins? Are you in too much pain for that? Do you feel like you're grieving? Do you think you could use some type of spirituality? And I don't mean Sunday Go To Meeting shit. Something that speaks to your soul. In Shamanism they believe that trauma in childhood causes your soul to leave your body so that you can get through the pain. My next non traditional healing is going to be working with a Shaman. I read a book and my first journey is in two weeks. Feeling like I've lost my soul makes me cry. Van der Kolk speaks to that. It's not religion but convening with the animals and indiginous people. We all have a power animal that we can call on to show us the way. I so want to find mine and you can bet I'll tattoo that sucker on my arm.
This is off the wall, but just a thought: have you ever reached out to your local Domestic violence agency? They often convene people into a group session for sharing and supporting. I've gone to some of these and they are my people. You know don't you that you do really well connecting to us and giving great advice. One last thought. Is there an instrument you could play that is body friendly? Like a ukulele or dulcimer (they have strings) or banjo-that's on my bucket list.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Shit my post came out anonymous bits from me Chave YWG

 

[Chava]

Yes @KwanYingirl about both exercise and spirituality stuff. First, exercise/movement. Very helpful. I exhaust what I can painlessly do a couple times a day. It does help to get good movement in during morning hours though, I notice, because it changes the tone of my day a bit.

For spirituality stuff I'm using sound and music. More consciously using uplifting stuff today. I think the tricky part for me is that numb and detached feelings are like subtle but pervasive, and so habitual that I do not recognize them well...and also do not mind them. Hello...I have no family and extremely few connections...being un-detached rarely seems like a concern to me. But it's also not healthy and has not been working well for the long term scope of my life (which I've addressed elsewhere and I know you understand).

What I need to sort out better is my calm or meditative states....like praise the universe I can even get there, but for me "relaxed" tips into "numb" and "peaceful" tips easily into "detached." I always have to be a little careful with meditative stuff. If I could go to a relaxed and peaceful place, it would be before I was even born and I'd never want to come back. So, that's where I tend to go when I can actually get still and quiet. I don't have some other sense of peace to connect to really, so I guess this makes sense on some level. But when is it just like nihilism? And what is the difference between connecting to my true deep soul and just obliterating myself. ??? (the weird ontology of early trauma)... Some gurus talk about deep meditation like this pre-conscious state. Does that sound attractive to an addict or what? I willingly go to pre-conscious, still white-out. I don't think it's horrible. I just have to feel it as connected to something, like my higher power, my self, the universal energy, whatever, and not bliss out into full-on detachment and brain shutdown.

On something like a brain scan, I wonder if that still and quiet place would read too close to my deep freeze where I've actually gone offline. But, it's worth trying to figure out a calm, okay sober place...just recognizing it is complicated!

Anyway, it's a good day for Mozart. Pulls me quite neatly out of shutdown when I can really listen. :):whistling:

 

[KwanYingirl]

Avoid minor keys. They are depressing.
Enlightenment is nonattachment. So does that make you closer to Nirvana? These dudes that sit all day emptying their thoughts. Yes they need each other to help with chores and the occasional gigglefest, but by and large they are not one but are one. What's the sound of one hand clapping?
Just a suggestion. Allow your mind to go where it needs to. If meditating leads you to feeling numb is that the absence of your essence? Like you feel barren of your soul? And is that an uneasy place to land? What if you just sit with that and see what transpires. Concentrate on your breathing letting all thoughts go. See what or who shows up to the party. Maybe don't hit the stop button. Let your mind find its resting point. It might just be the clearing of cobwebs you deserve.
On a related matter, Chava, we were seriously mistreated as children. We were robbed of our innocence and wonderment. We developed a shame based perception of ourselves (I use we to include all abused children). We never learned how to walk with confidence and pride. We spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out interpersonal relationships that are mutually beneficial, because we feel unworthy of belonging. So contemplating a practice like meditation can leave us feeling very alone and vulnerable. We can't imagine the demons others carry. That these people you feel isolated from are possibly feeling the very same thing. I hope for you that sound and music can guide you to a possibility that you are deserving and worthy of contentment.

 

[Chava]

Enlightenment is nonattachment.

This is the tricky part. My private lifelong hell is nonattachment. I do detached so well, but in the wrong ways I suppose. I disappear...and not like ego "I"...just the entire thing...no soul, no body, nothing....

If meditating leads you to feeling numb is that the absence of your essence? Like you feel barren of your soul? And is that an uneasy place to land?

Yes, yes, and yes. But sound does help (like a singing bowl or chimes or something)...helps me feel connected in the right ways (like part of the universe vs a void or non-existence).

I hope for you that sound and music can guide you to a possibility that you are deserving and worthy of contentment.

Thank you. And yes, I avoid minor keys when I need to be uplifted or pulled out of immobilized feelings.