Social Idiot Here

[Chava]

It's like on some level I'm aware of how super awkward I am, but I don't really know what to do about it at the moment...isolation or sticking with familiar people seems safest because I'm just in a weird spot.

I sent a facebook friend request to someone from a meditation group I barely ever go to. She seems nice. She popped up as a suggested friend (friend of friends) and since I was on ambien, easy enough to send a friend request. She didn't accept. Of course I feel like a HUGE LOSER. But instead of the old tape telling me that I'm fundamentally f*cked up and unlikable, it helps to simply recognize that because of some of my stuff, especially in the last year or so, I am just confusing. I decline all socializing with this group after meditation. I run out the door. I barely look people in the eyes. Then I send a FB request. I can't believe I'm that person. You know, like what am I....a creeper? Totally neurotically awkward? I'll accept totally awkward.

It helps to not think that I really am a huge loser...or one rejection is a reminder that the entire world rejects me. That feels healthy. But I'm creeped out by my own awkwardness. I do want to push out of some of my isolation, but I think I'll make a better attempt to get out and be around people who I've known for a long time...a different meditation group, AA meetings, a small hang out. I recognize I can't deal with new people right now. I'm just bizarre around new people and probably come across as 150% neurotic or schizoid (and that's not picking on these types...I really have all these features...new people and situations freak me out). I don't seem to have the old over-confident but massively disconnected bubble that used to protect me...made me seem more "normal" but unapproachable. So now I'm just purely weird...feels weird. It's like my old defenses have come down and I have no idea what to do now or who I am in new relationships.

Just wanted to share that. If anyone else relates and has found a process for connecting with others but also not messing with their own limitations too much, please share!

 

[Kintsugi]

When I am in serious isolation lock-down, small, noncommittal acts of socialization help loosen me up, like chatting with a cashier while I check out or making small talk at a class/group meeting (like your meditation class).

By the way, this may be completely unhelpful, but watching this show always helps me. >.<

Edited to add: that is a full-length program, not a short clip.

 

[scout86]

Maybe we need a special group for people who feel they are "socially inept"? I'd consider joining!

Just a thought on FB. There are LOTS of reason people refuse friend invitation. Here's an example. I hate FB. Don't trust it, don't want the owners to have access to my info, don't like the freedom with which "friends of friends of friends" might have access. I'm not hiding anything, I'm just practicing for the apocalypse. I don't accept friend invitations from people I don't actually know fairly well. I only HAVE a FB account because I have a few clients who want to use it to contact me. I don't like it, but I like making phone calls even less. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Well, pretty sure......

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Simply Simon ...I'm interested. Will make myself vacuum the house, then I can watch.

I've had bad experiences even with clerks trying to chat with me...feeling very freaked out, like how are they not reading me as unapproachable? Do I have to say something bitchy to end this? How do I get out of here? Gimme my receipt FASTER!!! Definitely something like a therapeutic funk...like I am a little softer but don't want people to read me as approachable...I don't know what to do with that. And I want to connect with others...but wait, I don't want to connect with others. :banghead:

 

[Chava]

I don't accept friend invitations from people I don't actually know fairly well.

I totally understand that...which is why I freak myself out sending a friend request this way. It's like I want to get to know this other person but I'm all screwed up in even making normal attempts. I give up. BUT I will get back to more of my regular places until I feel less messed up.

Thanks for some perspective @scout86

(I would join the socially inept group too!) :eek::woot::bag::notworthy:

 

[City Slicker]

Hey @Chava, also, there are facebook settings in which the owner of the page can set their privacy so that they don't even see friend requests or messages. She might not even receive your friend request/won't know you even sent one.

 

[scout86]

but I'm all screwed up in even making normal attempts.

I wouldn't say your FB attempt was screwed up at all. There are probably more people who are competing to see who can accumulate the most friends than there are who are paranoid. You have no way to know, most of the time. There really is NO harm in trying. Really.

but don't want people to read me as approachable

What do you think will happen if people see you as "approachable"?

 

[anonymous]

Hey @Chavathere are facebook settings in which the owner of the page can set their privacy so that they don't even see friend requests or messages. She might not even receive your friend request/won't know you even sent one.

This is new. Facebook was actually going in the LESS private direction because once upon a time, there was a setting where you could only receive messages from people you were friends with.....BUUUT, facebook did away with that.....I've been away from facebook for quite some time now because I hated how fake it all was and didn't like that even though I blocked people, they could still just create new accounts ad nauseam if they truly wanted to contact me. Blah.

 

[Chava]

What do you think will happen if people see you as "approachable"?

I'm not sure. They will find out that the real me is a real f*ck up (at a time when I'm trying to change that believe in my head but maybe need miles of space). Or they'll hurt me. Or we'll be having sex in about 15 minutes.

Basically I don't like feeling approachable...except for by people I've known for years. I have a hard time staying present, reciprocating, mirroring, all those normal things people do (I'm not autism spectrum but likely really disorganized attachment along with my trauma stuff). So the moment I seem approachable I'm afraid people will find out within minutes that it was a waste of their time. So my attempts in real time feel screwed up. Like I meant to be more social or stay and talk...but no...always feels impossible and not worth it for the level of discomfort I feel...I know others will read it.

 

[scout86]

So, is it any easier if YOU approach THEM?

Maybe something as simple as opening a door at the grocery store for some random little old lady? Those kind of encounters are usually brief, because the other person has business to conduct too, and you're both moving, so there's not as much temptation towards a longer conversation. Or maybe making a point to say "thank you" to a clerk and smiling when you do? A lot of those people are tired, bored, and feel like no one sees them. It's kind of a treat when someone really appreciates them (or seems to). You could start by doing this in big, anonymous stores, where there's little chance of running into the same person again, so you don't have to worry about them coming to expect it. Think of it as "practice". (I actually do this BTW.)

 

[Kintsugi]

Just FYI, most cashiers have it in their job description to be friendly and outgoing. I was always extra nice to everyone because people would buy me candy, give me lottery tickets, and even sometimes bring me meals because I was nice to them, even though they were in a terrible mood at the time. :) I had one regular who brought me lunch almost every day, and there was another who watched me unlock the store (at 6:55 am) from his front porch to make sure I got in safely (no random muggers).

 

[StellaBlue]

Maybe we need a special group for people who feel they are "socially inept"?

I'll join that group. I've always used the term "socially awkward" myself...but I'm ok with "inept". I think I have a real fear of being seen. And when I'm anxious, I just can't find any words...or they're the wrong words... And I'm either too unapproachable or I'm over disclosing. All of this makes social situation pretty stressful - and therapy is almost unbearable.