(Some) Freaking At Realisation

[fin]

Hey Amethist, me again

ok so I read your post in "Psst!! FUN!!", and I see number 4...and of course I sat here trying to think what the other three and I went all over the place here, looking at numbers you had written here in all of your posts- I am dumb huh?? Until I re read your post here again and saw what you had written.

And I hate to disappoint you but I am still at 1: trying,

I have come very unstuck with sorting out my paperwork properly and a lot of that is to do with going out. I know I could work on this some more, but the thing is to do that bit I have to do the other bits... and my support worker is leaving this week and no replacement. So I am still trying to figure out what to do on this. Because she was pretty much my only way of getting out...unless I count my abuser ex. And I really dont want to ask him.

So my bills are getting scarewed up badly at the moment, although I am trying to sort this out also

Cooking I used to love to cook, but I am not doing that at all either...

And of course I cant remember what the other one is now and I will loose this here if I go back to check.

 

[fin]

Anything I feel or think I can put down I have a massive chorus of past voices screaming at me that I am a liar or boastfull, conceited or shit or any one of a number of other things..the list doesnt ever end, for each statement the PTSD trauma voices make and I counteract...there is another one and then another one...

and I dont know how to make that bit stop.

 

[fin]

I am afraid to accept anything good at all, I try by not deflecting the nice things that i am told and I try to thank people and sometimes that takes me a while because it is so uncomfortable but I do do it and I always try not to deflect also.

I acknowledge even if I am not completely able to take any of it on properly, because I know when someone says something good like that to me, they make themselves vulnerable and I want them to know it is safe to do that with me, but I dont understand at all why they would like me, and even why they would care or try. And it isnt because of them it is because of me and how worthless I am, please know that...this is not a reflection on others, this is all me.

And I have no idea where to go with this. I have no idea how to put this good stuff into myself.


Im sorry to be asking again I really am.. I am not tryin to deliberatly be not understanding or anything, I just dont know where to go next on this at all.

The only thing I believe I am really doing and I can really own is that I try.

I have also tried to add I care...but then there is another "voice" that tells me I dont really and that well whatever...there is a lot of it that comes up...you get the idea...with each and everything I come up with... and if it isnt that it is..

everything I used to do and be, and when I try to bring the good things up that I used to do or be, it is then into "yes but your really lying about that"... and "you weren't good at all or you would still be doing it", and it keeps going on and on, you get the idea I am thinking.

oh and when I say voices; it isnt that I am hearing "voices",although sometimes they are flashbacks, and past traumas, like when it gets abusive it is a lot of what I have heard throughout my whole life.

I am soo scared to trust anyone also, and it takes me greatly our of my comfort zone but I am doing it as best I can.

I genuinely mean everything I say to others... so maybe that is 2, but that gets knocked down also and that happens by people in real time so...I am not able to feel good about being genuine or honest or caring..because no one wants a piece of shit like me caring about them, and that is what the last part comes down to when I try with any of these aspects about me.

This is not meant in anyway to make anyone feel sorry for me or any of that crap ok, this is real and what I am constantly living with. I know I cant be alone in this.

Everytime I say something nice or good I am coming against that inner voice, everytime I do anything good..again that inner voice, anytime at all I try to be better than I believe I am ...its gone all lost.

The only thing I know I really know myself, that I can put on that list is that I TRY.
and I do this as best as I can. I am not afraid to step out of my comfort zone to do it, but that is it, and I want to say "at the moment" here...but that would imply hope and today my hope is gone so..

I may have rambled on and again I am sorry

I am going to post now and back away