Some Thoughts About Processing

[UnKnown-Self]

This is why I want the test. I don't have
DID. My belief is I fall somewhere in the dissociative spectrum. I haven't found a therapist to work with me for that perspective.
Finding out through testing gives me a starting point. It also validates my experience and my selves.
That's why I have to be careful how I process. Instead of saying "That's not true or that's negative " I need to say I know you are trying to help but that's not going to work this time, what else can we try? " or sometimes my parts talk to each other for instance if I'm binging, I'll hear some negative comments and then feel shame and guilt so I have to say gently , " that kind of talk only causes more pain. Please don't do that" & to the other part I say" it's okay, cut yourself some slack"
This is very, very difficult to do on a regular basis without help. It's practicing self compassion. It's only happened a couple times and it feels wonderful. I want more but I can't do it alone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

for instance if I'm binging, I'll hear some negative comments and then feel shame and guilt so I have to say gently , " that kind of talk only causes more pain. Please don't do that" & to the other part I say" it's okay, cut yourself some slack"

That sounds SO much like my automatic thinking but its like "you have to punish, god said so" and then me, i'll fight that or tell it to shut up and it will say something like "god is gonna be mad at you if you dont punish and something bad will happen"...ive even had it say "if you dont punish someone you love will die"...but its everything i was told back then so i dont see it as "alters" or anything, they dont have names, they're just automatic thoughts. The only "alter" i have that could he called that is my "inner child" but theres only one though "she's" different ages and doesnt have a name. My therapist says its haulted emotions and not an alter but she feels like an alter. I know its a part of me, my childhood, that i have to grieve and "she" comes out at night and was the one that wrote that letter last night. "She" carries the pain and the anger, most of the emotions.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

That sounds SO much like my automatic thinking but its like "you have to punish, god said so"...

I didn't even have a language for it before. I really never knew it any other way. The term inner child was rejected. By that I mean I'll feel a strong resistance or hear a flat out No.
I used to say cancel-cancel every time I had a negative thought. Many years ago it was so bad, I positioned myself feet apart, hands on the wall and slammed the top of my head into the wall a few times to stop the thoughts. I don't reccomend it.
I only started using the word alter once names started coming into it. I know they are part of me but they feel separate too. I don't know if it developed from needing someone to depend on or needing to be prepared for the onslaught of negative talk. I just know that it is.
What I don't understand is the resistance for the doctors and therapists.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What I don't understand is the resistance for the doctors and therapists.

I dont either!

I use "alter" when speaking of those i made up as a child but since I dropped them & the names when I left I just now say "inner child" as i only feel there's one (my therapist says its not an alter but haulted emotions that makes it feel seperate) but my "inner child" is like different ages. Like at night "she" around 6 or 7 and like when i started to speak to my Admin friend on the other site i said i had a "gitty school girl feeling" and felt attached to him...my "inner child" was around 12 at that point. Sometimes "she" feels like a rebelious teenager. But "she" doesnt have a name. So i can understand how it is to hard to explain.

Also my automatic thoughts are the "programming" and they come automatically, and i cant stop or control their direction and most of the time it makes me feel like jumping in front of a train or something...

Also i have hit my head, hard, on the inside of my work and my therapist's elevator wall, so i get that too.

 

[Sideways]

I've had docs in the past who refused to acknowledge my dissociative disorder and it was so hurtful and invalidating. But keep looking, because there are docs out there who believe it, understand it, and can help.

These days, I can't afford to have anyone on my therapy team who isn't prepared to help me deal with my dissociative disorder. I've come too far learning how to manage it to have someone tell me it doesn't exist. And I learned a very hard lesson about how some of my parts react when they're being told they don't exist. Can't go there again. They do exist, I need help learning to manage them, and everyone on my therapy team needs to be on my side with that.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I've had docs in the past who refused to acknowledge my dissociative disorder and it was so hurtf...

I don't feel like I have to manage them. Especially since they managed me all my life :-) I would like to open communication.

 

[Sideways]

That's the goal;)
Being allowed to get to know yourself, the whole of yourself and all the parts that go with that...wouldn't have thought that was asking too much!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

That's the goal;)
Being allowed to get to know yourself, the whole of yourself and all the parts...

EXACTLY!