Sufferer Someone Is Under The Bed...

[Froggie]

Hi Kaii, I'm pretty new on this forum and your story really got my attention. I've read other members answers and I really do agree that your generous act of being part of the search team gave closure to Sarah's family, but it also put one heck of a strain on your family and your life.

This forum is the first place I've had a sense of being understood and being "normal" with PTSD. All your reactions are natural reactions to ... as one member said ... something that is crazy and not normal.

So when you have great days ... like your story of your summer home - loved it ... shows that the horrible things have not "possessed" you. In time, those peak moments of fear, paranoia, etc. will take a distance ... will life ever be like before ... I personnally have a hard time believing that ... no matter the source or experience that triggered off the PTSD in one of us has had a tsunami effect on all our relational spheres and even spiritual beliefs. And those peak Urk moments do come back, but ... with help ... we get tricks and tools to deal with them.

There will be a time when you will find an existential reason for what you experienced. This is one thing that gives me a certain comfort and belief in myself ... I'm still coping in the aspect of believing in Life, but how can I believe in Life if I can't believe in who I am ?

You are in my thoughts, take care ... you are an important person

Froggie

 

[Kaii]

You guys are all awesome. I really mean that. I feel so "understood" here. It's almost like you guys have ptsd too;);) ;) Wow, I think that was my sense of humour peeking out....where have you been lately?

But seriously, thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. I have not been around the forum much lately, I have entered this new weird phase where I am avoiding everything that reminds me of what happened. I don't know if that's good or bad. Probably bad but I feel more able to cope when I stop obsessing and thinking about everything every second of the day.

I have a new therapist and so far so good.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

I'm so glad to see you, Kaii!

Being gentle with yourself is just fine. You'll know when it's safe enough to push.
It is wonderful to see you here, and to see your sense of humor coming up to the surface!

You can always come hang around the Chit Chat area, if you're not ready to discuss or read heavy stuff.
The love, gentleness, laughter and support is spirit-reviving, and helps prevent isolating.

You can tell us about your therapist if you'd like... It would be great to hear how your therapy is progressing.
Appreciating you, dear Kindred-spirit, ((((((((((((Kaii)))))))))))))
deer

 

[KP the nut]

Welcome Kaii, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Take it an hour, minute at a time if a day seems to much. Try to be kind to yourself - you are not crazy.
Sending a hug
KP

 

[Phenioxrising]

Don't loose hope. Keep up the T Appts.
You can start out slow by getting out where their arn't many people.
Bring the Sheperd along, I know mine makes me feel safer

 

[Hashi]

I'm a nurse.
I was sexually assaulted by strangers twice, once when I was 18 and again at 20yrs old.
I moved on from that, got married and had children.

I volunteered for a search and rescue for a local missing girl in 2010 and got much more than I bargained for when my search party found her. She had been severely beaten, raped and strangled to death. We found her in a garbage bag in the woods.

Dear Kaii,

I've seen some of your posts here before, and have been very moved by them. The girl you found was called Sarah, I think? I have wanted to respond but I worried it might be inappropriate.

In a way, I'm like the girl you found. When I was 20 I went through a similar ordeal that ended with me being left for dead (I'd actually died but come back, and was at that point unconscious) in a very degrading way on some wasteground. I must have been found by someone, which I don't remember, but I do remember being taken to hospital by an ambulance crew and resuscitated when my heart stopped again. I've wondered about the person who found me, and the effect it must have had on them.

At least, the person (or people) who found me would have heard that I lived. If that hadn't been the case, I would have wanted them to know that when you cross over to the other side, what happened before is no more. I hope its OK to say this to you. I would have really wanted the person who found me to understand that those moments (in my case days, but still moments) before I died simply didn't exist any more. I wouldn't have wanted them to stay in those moments, or the moments of finding me, forever. Because I was no longer in them myself.

I would understand their need to process their experience of finding my body. I would hope and wish that then, somehow, I could communicate to them how much that was in the past now. Not in a human, "normal" way, but in an absolute way that it's impossible to describe. There's a kind of letting go that I just can''t put into words, but I experienced it and I wouldn't say that everything that had happened to me before was OK, or forgotten, or anything like that, but it was... resolved, and now there was nothing but peace towards that, as a human experience that I had left completely behind.

What I haven't read before is what you've said here, about having been sexually assaulted aged 18 and aged 20. I'm so very sorry that happened to you. I can't help thinking that your response to finding Sarah in the woods must have involved your feelings around that. It seems impossible to me that any human being would not be responding from those past experiences as much as they were in the present. If so, then your feelings must go very, very deep and I think that needs a lot of healing. I hope very much that you will find it. I believe you can find it, because I believe that all of us can heal.

Sending you heartfelt good wishes for your healing.

Hashi

 

[Kaii]

Hashi,

Thank you. You have given me an unexpected and much appreciated gift in your words.

Thank you. I never really thought about it from the victims perspective and how she would feel about us and how she would not want us to suffer for finding her.

Yes, the girl's name was Sarah. I think about her, the suffering and indignity inflicted on her every single day. To see the end result of what happened to her has opened my eyes to what we as human beings are capable of doing to one another.

I have been attacked twice. I don't think I have ever really talked about it on here. And yes that has been an enormous contributing factor to my PTSD.

 

[Abstract]

Kaii,

I really don't have anything to add to what others have said to you on this thread. They said it all and very well.

I am sorry that you have had such a thing to deal with and can truly see why having had previous and related traumas would make this whole experience so much more devastating. It seems sometimes to me that there is a point where it all tips over the edge and that's when it falls apart completely. I also think one of the problems with trauma is that we start seeing the whole world as a terrible place and entirely loose our ability to feel safe. We see the world through trauma coloured glasses.

Hopefully with time you can hold onto all the good and safety in life that surrounds you. Such as the other people in that search party.

Take care.

 

[Abstract]

Hashi,
I hope it doesn't feel like an invasion to comment but I just wanted to say that I am so very very sorry. I don't have the words.

I am very glad that something in you was so strong that it pulled you back.

 

[Hashi]

I think about her, the suffering and indignity inflicted on her every single day. To see the end result of what happened to her has opened my eyes to what we as human beings are capable of doing to one another.

I've struggled with this for a very long time. I'm finally accepting that I will never be able to make sense of this. It's not for me to understand. It has been a relief for me to stop trying to, and to stop railing against a life in which this can happen.

I agree with Abstract, that focussing on the good and safety is important. Human beings are capable of great things too, great kindness, generosity, compassion and creativity. I don't mean that the good can be weighed against the bad - that kind of measurement is impossible anyway. I mean that I have to work to put my attention on the good, and to connect to it. I need the strength that brings me, and the healing.