General Sometimes I'm Mentally Exhausted With Him (combat Ptsd)

[gemstone]

I guess this is more of a vent...

I've been with my husband 10-1/2 years (married 4-1/2). He served 4 years in the Marines and did 3 tours. His last was Afghanistan 2011 where one of his best friends died in his arms (among several other casualties). Long story short, he feels guilt. We have gone back to his late friends' hometown every year and has since befriended their family. My husband was also blown up 3 times. Long story short, he's lucky.

Then he came home in the fall and met his 6-month old twins for the first time in addition to his "then" 2 year old, he got out late 2011.

2012 was hell. He was adjusting, lazy, mean, arrogant, moody. We fought alot. I have always worked full-time and have a demanding job as a breadwinner. He learned that he can't drink liquor because of how his personality is affected. I have always been a go-getter, he has become a hermit.

Fast forward and it's eggshell city. It can be so exhausting. Some days he's great, other days he's irritable. His kids are growing up but he can't socialize or play with them...he'll be the one sitting on the park bench. He doesn't do crowds, he still ducks with loud noises. In late 2012, I finally got him to go to the VA. Oh, and he refuses (flat out period) refuses counseling. He was diagnosed with OCD (which explains why he washes the dishes 3 times a day, lol...etc), TBI, and PTSD. He takes something at night to relax his mind for sleep. His back always hurts. I'm just exhausted. It's like having a 4th kid some days. Sometimes, he'll be GREAT. It's like having my husband back. And then he'll go and fly off the handle or do something stupid and it ruins everything for a while. There are days when I wonder why I even bother. The kids can't make messes because...it's messy (cue the OCD). But then other days it's ok. This just isn't the husband I want my kids to grow up recognizing as their father. I know he's in there somewhere. I've accepted the dishes being in random cabinets (cue TBI), or the fact that I have to attend any and every concert/festival/fair by myself (cue PTSD)...but I'm hitting a brick wall where I'm finding more things that I don't like opposed to things that I do.

 

[madmax]

Do you remember you wedding vows? 'in sickness and in health"...start asking soft non threatening questions of your husband...in short show him you are on his side.

I suffer from PTSD govt related..

AND SOME DAYS I AM THAT 3rd Kid!!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Vent away Gemstone!

I'm with a combat vet as well. The good days are great, but hoo boy... those bad days, not so much. TBI and PTSD is not a fun mix.

Is there no way to gently nudge him into counselling? It seems to be hard for a lot of vets to take that step and actually start seeing a therapist. My vet's VA psychiatrist pisses him off a lot of times, and he is exhausted after his appointments, but it seems to do him good.

Stay strong and good luck!

 

[nursenurse]

My guy is coming up on 10 years out of the military. Ten years later, garbage day is still a bit of an issue for him, crowded malls and stores give him panic attacks. And this has been a hard month for him. His buddy was blown up in front of him on his (my sufferer's) birthday. You have to remember that all of our sufferers have witnessed, done, or were the recipients of something horrible. It takes time, and they never get over it. They learn to cope, they get used to it, whatever, and sometimes not. How do you get over your buddy dying in your arms? For my sufferer, it was a 2 second twist of fate that saw his buddy die, and not him. And remember, that kind incident caps off a multitude of things that they saw or did while serving.

Your guy is still pretty fresh, in my opinion. I wish he would go for more counselling, though, and if he won't, and even if he does, you need to go for yourself. You cannot fix him, but you can arm yourself with strategies that help you cope better. That all being said, it is not a walk in the park, or for the faint of heart. It can get better, but it will never be the same. Eventually you will pick up on the good things in the new order of your own world. I will stress, though, that if at anytime, you feel there is abuse, then you need to exit stage left. It doesn't sound like it from your description, I think you are both still reeling from what he has experienced.

As far as having an extra child, I hate to tell you, but that's the way it is even in non PTSD relationships. Just so you know :D

 

[madmax]

The nurse got it right...I couldn't say what she extrapolated for you...take the advice.

 

[gemstone]

I didn't mean to offend you if I did madmax.

I have thought of counseling for myself, it's hard with a tight schedule, but I've considered it. I think the only reason I don't is...why should I try to work on myself to better understand you, while you won't do ANYTHING? Three small kids and you don't do much with them besides the basic necessities. A wife that gives and gives and takes care of every errand, balances every dime, listens to the same story over and over without any objection... Meanwhile, you glue yourself to your phone, or sit on the couch watching tv while I'm teaching the kids their colors or shapes, etc. My biggest gripe is the random rage. You never know what's going to set him off.

One day, he got mad because I put sandals on the kids while he went looking for socks for the sneakers. I didn't know he went looking for socks... He comes up and throws a fit on how he wishes he would have known I was doing sandals. I ask what the problem is, he swears at me at the top of his lungs and slams the door. Then comes back about 20 minutes later completely fine, and never ever brought it up again. I'm tired of that! Every other month it's a random outburst.

I'm at a point where I'm half-tempted to use counseling as an ultimatum. I mean, I don't know. I have tried to think with the shoe on the other foot. It's hard. I listen, I do my due diligence as a wife, my dad was a vet...I've talked to my husband's old commrades... I've even told him once before that he's not happy, I KNOW he's depressed. "I" can't fix you. You have to make an effort to fix you. And then it's good for a month and back to the same crap again. Everyone is concerned about him and his well being except for him. When he's good, he's great. When it's bad, it takes everyone down with him.

 

[nursenurse]

Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they can start to crawl out of the hole. Honestly, you need to make the time for yourself to get the counselling, I understand your misgivings on the matter. However you also will learn to understand yourself in the process, and make informed decisions about life in general, do you stay, do you leave. How to set boundaries. However, it is most difficult if he is not willing to seek help. He is in denial. I think you have been a great job at trying to maintain the status quo, but things are different, and forever they will be. You cannot do it all. You still need and are entitled to a partner.

Talk to him in a calm moment, never during a time of anger. Write out what you want to say, if that helps, in a clear, concise manner, stating facts, no blame, then read it to him. I found that was helpful after an incident with my guy. I was not tempted to raise my voice, or go off topic, and he listened.

It may even take you leaving for him to decide he has a problem, I don't know. Until he admits that and tries to go for help, I think you may just keep spinning your wheels until you are burnt out. And that helps neither you nor your children. PTSD sucks. When he does go into his rage, calmly tell him you are leaving until he settles down, then do it. Discuss this with him before hand as a boundary issue. Tell him your feelings about his rage incidents, what it does to you and the kids, then tell him the next time it happens, you will physically leave. It is only as good as your enforcement, though. If you don't leave, and I don't care where or what the situation is, then it will not work. I am sorry for what you are going through. But try to look after yourself as well. it will not help matters if you lose yourself in the process.

 

[I'll make tea]

I have been reading what you wrote... and I just thought "boy, there is another someone whose husband washes the dishes three times in row", or does he only wash them after they are dirty?

I don't want to talk bad about my husband but some of what you write reminds me so much of him... for example our little son is not supposed to make messes.... because they are messy... and we never ever go public places... always has an excuse why we cannot. Always.

Sorry for that not being helpful at all.

What is TBI? Edit: Oh, sorry, I guess traumatic brain injury.