Sometimes No Contact Is Kindness

[Ellabella44]

I am pretty much wanting to stay no contact with my mother and step father. Its not out of spite, anger, revenge etc. Its partly fear since they both beat me as a kid and some other things. And partly that my mother will and always has wanted me to fill the hole in her of the kind of mother she didnt have (grandma wasnt a joy to have as a parent), and the relationship she didnt have with her sister. All while telling me how much she feels I act like my father.

Recently my step sister posted some pictures of family events that go on without me and my mother isnt in any of the pictures. If she is unwell, I feel seeing her will only make both of us worse rather than healing eiether of us. My sister in law and I spoke about it a bit today. She said she has never seen someone so stuck. And seems to agree with me that I cant fix this or give my mother what she wants of me.

Despite all that was done to me, I have pity and empathy for her. Thats all I have left. She had a rough time with her family and my birth father who she tried to beat out of me. We are both broken, but I learned to adapt.

I feel bad for her that she didnt have the courage to adapt. I feel bad for her that she cant move forward and have healthy relationships with my brother and myself. She isnt loved, she is tolerated. Hearing she is stuck still reinforces my decision to stay away. We are just toxic for eachother and I see it as a kindness to stay away.

 

[ladee]

It is a kindness to stay away. I am no contact with any of my family, and some live in the same small town. If I have nothing to bring to the table besides protecting myself, then this is not something I want or can do anymore... I guess I have forgiven them, I just feel indifferent . I have regained and reinvented so much of myself since not being around them... as a child I had no choice. As an adult they do not have permission to abuse any longer. So I'm sorry your mom is broken and either does't have the oppurtunity, or would recognize it if she saw it, to get better. You have holes in your own life to fill....
I find it so beautiful that you have forgiven her.... we can and do love some people from a distance... it's best for all involved.. Thank you for sharing this.. haven't thought about my family in a long while.. your post has helped me see how much I have grown.. I thank you for that.

 

[City Slicker]

I understand @Ellabella44.

Your reasoning sounds very compassionate, not just for your mom but for you.

I had to also cut my mom from my life for a very long time. While she was alive, I didn't have the kind of compassion and empathy you share so I am touched by how you wrote about your mom.

Our hearts may feel such pain about removing them from our lives physically but our minds know it's the only thing that will bring us the distance to heal the way we need to.

I was fortunate in that I was able to finally speak to my mother briefly before she died. Even then I knew there was no way she could be in my life had she recovered.

As it turned out she did't recover but I was able to experience compassion and empathy for her as she was dying. When she finally became unconscious in her hospital bed, it was the first time I ever experienced being able to really love her knowing there was nothing she could do to hurt me anymore.

I maintain no contact with some of my siblings because of things that have happened. I have reached out to them in the past but it's always the same pattern with them and I know it's toxic to me.

So I set about 'creating' my own family, people in my life of my choosing.

I wish you strength and peace with what you are dealing with.

 

[Ellabella44]

@ladee hmm I had not thought of this as a form of forgiving. Just a realization that going over things would do more harm and split our family apart. I choose to do no harm and if sticking to that choice is a form of forgiveness its the only way I can I guess.

Kindness is walking away and embracing what happened to me as a part of me and situations to rise above. There has been enough damage done, and I will not allow any more to happen.

@City Slicker I am still in contact with my brother and step sisters. mostly just on facebook. I am trying to go out and find a job, join any free classes like yoga that I can find to try to make myself an offline family. and maybe choosing to remain no contact is the only way I can love her.

I feel nothing for her. Avoidance brings me peace. From what I hear, my absence does not bring her peace. She doesnt have her punching bag around and doesnt know how to find a new hobby and pull herself up. I wont feed the bully in her and again kindness is letting that part of her starve.

 

[City Slicker]

That is pretty much what I did too - got as involved as I was able, getting work I loved and was good at early on helped more than anything but finding hobbies and things that were free when I was a struggling student gave me a foundation I didn't have growing up.

From what I hear, my absence does not bring her peace.

I hear you @Ellabella44 - my absence from my mother's life did not bring her any resolution or emotional change.

She used my absence to craft a new narrative about how her child had become so hard and callous as to turn her back on her mother. And she told everyone she could. I guess in that way, she found a new 'purpose' in life which was to become the 'shunned, ostracized' mother and basic victim of a nasty and ungrateful daughter.

From what I gathered, it gave her life and her pain some focussed meaning. Ironic eh.

If avoidance from her brings you peace then honour it any way you can.

 

[Ellabella44]

@City Slicker that is where she is. trying to make sense of her cold uncaring daughter. yep ironic, but like yours it gives her focus. Sad that even absence only makes her search out a new source of pity to feed on. she wont get to the "f - this, I need to get out of here" point.

I can see what we could have been in my relationship with my own daughter. We are very close and she cares for me as much as I care for her. Both of my kids arent interested in seeing my parents. They didnt like them especially my mother before my delayed onset of ptsd. She feels that i am keeping the kids from seeing her. Its just better to let her think that than to tell her.