woodsy1
MyPTSD Pro
So, I've never written a trauma diary before. I doubt I'll immediately identify a specific focus here. I'm just writing.
I spent the last two weeks thinking I was avoiding processing. It happens anyhow. Can't seem to stop my mind from continually tormenting me.
I guess I might as well write things down. At least it gives me something to do instead of just being miserable. Maybe it will help.
I think I want to talk to my therapist about PTSD in general. What it's like living with this every day. Not knowing who I am or if I have any purpose in life. Having muddled thoughts all the time. Not being able to sleep well. Not being able to socialize. Always being tense. Feeling like I will go crazy though I'm constantly assured I will not. All the usual PTSD stuff.
My therapist and I jumped from one discussion about my trauma to breathing exercises. Maybe that's good? But I think I am very cranial. I think I need to talk more about my stuff even if sometimes I don't think I can or don't think I want to.
Once I get to talking though, I dead end. It seems so useless to just keep whining about what I'm experiencing. Then I feel like it's no use to keep talking about the same symptoms over and over again.
This is still so new to me. This is not who I am accustomed to being. All my life, I've been a friendly, introverted but outgoing, fun loving person who always took life's challenges in stride.
Now I'm pretty pathetic. I can't handle people. I still want to, but I just can't. Even saying hello to friendly strangers in the mall is a major life event for me.
I am always tense. Sometimes the tension becomes physically painful. It just sucks never being able to properly relax.
Sometimes I get the shakes. My hands sometimes shake so bad I can't drink my coffee. Sometimes my whole body shakes.
I long for relationship. But I can't seem to be still long enough to build relationships. I try to sit and have conversation with folks and end up so uncomfortable that I can't enjoy it or even think straight.
Ugh!
So today, I am processing some of this by writing about it. Tomorrow I may not want to process anything! I don't know what I'm going to be like day to day.
I've only just begun really working with my PTSD. Perhaps in time I will identify something of a reliable pattern to how I relate to the world now. Right now I just don't know.
It's encouraging to think that I have seen improvement over my condition a year or two ago. It's daunting to think it may take years to figure out the new (not improved) me. I want to just live my life! But living a "normal" life like I did before is just not in the equation right now.
Well, it does seem that all this rambling has helped. I feel more calm than when I started.
Perhaps I will end up journaling a lot. Or, maybe my symptoms will flare and I will tire of writing, feeling it is useless. We'll just have to see what happens.
I'll keep you posted.
I spent the last two weeks thinking I was avoiding processing. It happens anyhow. Can't seem to stop my mind from continually tormenting me.
I guess I might as well write things down. At least it gives me something to do instead of just being miserable. Maybe it will help.
I think I want to talk to my therapist about PTSD in general. What it's like living with this every day. Not knowing who I am or if I have any purpose in life. Having muddled thoughts all the time. Not being able to sleep well. Not being able to socialize. Always being tense. Feeling like I will go crazy though I'm constantly assured I will not. All the usual PTSD stuff.
My therapist and I jumped from one discussion about my trauma to breathing exercises. Maybe that's good? But I think I am very cranial. I think I need to talk more about my stuff even if sometimes I don't think I can or don't think I want to.
Once I get to talking though, I dead end. It seems so useless to just keep whining about what I'm experiencing. Then I feel like it's no use to keep talking about the same symptoms over and over again.
This is still so new to me. This is not who I am accustomed to being. All my life, I've been a friendly, introverted but outgoing, fun loving person who always took life's challenges in stride.
Now I'm pretty pathetic. I can't handle people. I still want to, but I just can't. Even saying hello to friendly strangers in the mall is a major life event for me.
I am always tense. Sometimes the tension becomes physically painful. It just sucks never being able to properly relax.
Sometimes I get the shakes. My hands sometimes shake so bad I can't drink my coffee. Sometimes my whole body shakes.
I long for relationship. But I can't seem to be still long enough to build relationships. I try to sit and have conversation with folks and end up so uncomfortable that I can't enjoy it or even think straight.
Ugh!
So today, I am processing some of this by writing about it. Tomorrow I may not want to process anything! I don't know what I'm going to be like day to day.
I've only just begun really working with my PTSD. Perhaps in time I will identify something of a reliable pattern to how I relate to the world now. Right now I just don't know.
It's encouraging to think that I have seen improvement over my condition a year or two ago. It's daunting to think it may take years to figure out the new (not improved) me. I want to just live my life! But living a "normal" life like I did before is just not in the equation right now.
Well, it does seem that all this rambling has helped. I feel more calm than when I started.
Perhaps I will end up journaling a lot. Or, maybe my symptoms will flare and I will tire of writing, feeling it is useless. We'll just have to see what happens.
I'll keep you posted.