Spinning In Circles

[Justmehere]

This is a really mixed up post, but I thought I would try posting about this to try to keep myself from just giving up and giving in to despair. I don't know what is going wrong in therapy right now.

I can't seem to think of any "small" traumas to practice doing the trauma processing work with. All of mine seem to inherently pull on old family issues. She says that's ok, but then I get scared trying to deal with the bigger stuff and I've been increasingly dissociative the past two weeks. Today it was horrible. I mean I can cope with and even eventually stop being dissociative, but the fact I am dissociating at all is a step backwards. My therapist responds by slowing down more. And more. And going back to re-visiting what I need to feel safe and I'm so tired of working on that I just get frustrated and mad. She says anger is ok to bring into session and work on too. Then I get scared she is going to give up and now she instantly keep saying she is committed to helping, isn't giving up.

My therapist is listening and seems to just feel stuck too. Maybe I'm the only one who feels stuck though. Well, I trust my perception that she is at least listening.

I feel like maybe I should just take a break for a few weeks until things settle out and I can re-group. Somehow, just the thought of asking my therapist if I should do this makes me really massively sad. I feel like I am failing. I feel so much internal pressure to keep improving. I find it odd that I feel like I also need to give up. Why keep doing this when it's just me spinning in circles? I am just wasting time and money. Victims comp won't pay for endless sessions, and affording therapy after that runs out is going to be tough. I don't want to waste any of them. But somehow, just the idea of taking a break for a few weeks makes me feel so incredibly sad, it's beginning to feel like I'm sliding down the slope towards suicidal thoughts. Which just makes me feel like I am failing all the more!

I feel like I am sabotaging myself somehow and I'm not sure how to stop or even what stopping the sabotage would look like.

Has anyone else taken a break from therapy to re-group?

 

[WhiteSwan]

I think that you are ahead of me with your therapy and recovery journey but I can relate to the feelings you are having here. Fear of failure, frustration, anger and self-sabotage.

They are not new feelings to ptsd are they and they really can start to feel long in the tooth (spinning in circles). I feel like I'm at the start of the race - foot on the line and still waiting for the start gun whereas you are in the race now (to use an analogy)... I guess you can pace yourself like an experienced athlete would do in a marathon. Sometimes they ease off and coast so to speak to save themselves for the steep hills or sprint to the finish. So what I'm saying here is it is ok to take it easy for a bit if that is what your instinct is telling you. It's not giving up... It's working smarter I think. You can't do effective therapy when you are hyper vigilant so best to let things settle a bit perhaps. I know how you feel though... It's not easy.

You know I was going to post about something similar... I was recently diagnosed with ptsd (but have had it the best part of my life) and I'm currently on medication treatment as I'm hyper vigilant and they won't start trauma treatment until I'm more settled. They still want me to do therapy but just for learning self soothing strategies and emotion regulation and the day to day survival. It's been 3 weeks and still struggling with the medication side effects...and haven't started this general therapy yet. But feeling very frustrated and stuck. Because now I'm trying to relax and be in the here and now (skimming the surface) but I know the huge mess lurking beneath that I can't go near on my own.... And I'm scared of issuing my well worn and wrong pattern of behaviours. It's not only me waiting but my husband so that makes me more anxious.

@Justmehere - are you doing pre-trauma treatment before getting to the big issues? It sounds like that from your post. Well done to you for starting the treatment journey (that's a win worth rewarding in itself)

 

[Jane.l]

I haven't taken a break but often feel just as you describe here - then I wonder if my wanting a break is just another way of me avoiding the real issues. Sometimes I feel like I need to stop and try and get things straighter in my head but ptsd doesn't stop .

I seem to get in a pattern of major dissociation in session and feel that not much is being achieved - constantly trying to work out how to move forward.

Have you asked your T if she thinks you are stuck and not progressing at the moment ?

 

[Justmehere]

@WhiteSwan - congrats to you for signing up for the race and getting up the courage to begin!

I guess you can pace yourself like an experienced athlete would do in a marathon. Sometimes they ease off and coast so to speak to save themselves for the steep hills or sprint to the finish. So what I'm saying here is it is ok to take it easy for a bit if that is what your instinct is telling you. It's not giving up... It's working smarter I think. You can't do effective therapy when you are hyper vigilant so best to let things settle a bit perhaps. I know how you feel though... It's not easy.

I do short course triathlons, and this imagery really struck home. It is a lot more like a marathon than a sprint. I really like this image of how runners will coast for awhile and then pick up the pace at other times, all the while still running. Thank you! Reminds me that maybe I can just back off and still stay in the race.

I feel like I'm at the start of the race - foot on the line and still waiting for the start gun whereas you are in the race now (to use an analogy)...

I spent much of the beginning of my race running too hard and losing the map and running in circles... back to the start line... It took awhile to learn how to run forward at all. I think I have been excited about moving forward. I am feeling like I am starting to run in a circle again. Scared I will run out of endurance and end up not in the race at all.

@Justmehere - are you doing pre-trauma treatment before getting to the big issues?

I have done a lot of work on learning different coping skills, emotion regulation, grounding - enough that I was able to stop therapy and managed to get through some difficult circumstances on my own without coming completely undone... It actually took awhile for me to learn why doing all that work was so important and trust the therapists that it was. I just wanted to jump in and get it done! Hmm, like I want to do now. But I kept plugging away. Finally things were stable and steady enough to go in to do the trauma work, and we have started to touch on big things, and I went backwards as soon as we did, and so we are going back to pre-trauma prep work a bit, while "dipping a toe" into the bigger stuff as my therapist says. I think I have just waited so long, that I'm jumping into it too fast. Maybe why my therapist says, lets start with a "small" trauma.

Learning to pace had been such a huge part of getting my life to a better place where my therapist even wants to do any trauma work at all.

It's almost like there is a gap in the road and neither my therapist or I am very sure how to cross it. (The "big" trauma is too big and the "small" trauma... well, there just isn't small trauma that is impacting me right now... it got worked out already along the way to this point.)

@Jane.l - thank you for your encouragement.

then I wonder if my wanting a break is just another way of me avoiding the real issues.

I wonder this about myself too!

I seem to get in a pattern of major dissociation in session and feel that not much is being achieved - constantly trying to work out how to move forward.

I have been following your thread about your struggle. I can understand your frustration!

Have you asked your T if she thinks you are stuck and not progressing at the moment ?

Yes, and she thinks I am a bit stuck, but every time I ask her if I am making progress (which is every couple of sessions) she says yes and points out 2-3 things she thinks are progress and sometimes it's something like "you are not self injuring, you are not suicidal, you have good boundaries in place and no new traumas happening..." that kind of stuff. And she relentlessly finds something that feels really small to me and says, "look how you handled xyz this week!" She says feeling more panic is a sign of moving forward - into harder stuff. But with dissociation she responds by asking me to describe what the dissociation feels like - while dissociated - it's weird to do, but it's her way of keeping me talking and she says it is "beginning the process of integrating the dissociation itself." Then she says, "ok, we gotta go back and figure out what needs to shift." Which means making sure I feel safe and ok, and if not what will help... and I instantly feel frustrated. She's trying to work through anything in the present that is making me feel scared and I want to tell her, I'm fine! let's do this! But then we start and I numb out.

I'm getting myself stuck in the same old circle.

 

[Justmehere]

I am completely relapsing. I had a major dissociative episode after the session, haven't slept since the session (only one all nighter, but still increases my chance of dissociating again today), I'm having self injurious and suicidal thoughts (just thoughts), I'm hating me and the world...

I don't understand it. In the session we did a little somatic therapy work, not much. She wanted me to say "I am the problem" (my family's message to me) and notice if I felt anything. I didn't. It feels like I was just stating fact, like stating "the sky is blue." Then she wanted me to say, "I am not the problem" and notice what I felt. I felt some tension. And then she said, she wanted me to know in my core of my being I am not the problem... But I don't see the point in that. I am a problem. We stopped the somatic therapy exercise mid-stream because I got stuck on not feeling like I see the point in trying so hard to believe that I am not the problem or a problem.

My life has been a problem to be solved my whole life and therapy is about solving problems and I don't want to solve my life. But my life has problems so if I am going to live, I have to deal with the problem of PTSD. Of trauma. Of the fact that I am a victim of weird trauma that throws off even this trauma therapist. But she wrote to me "It's ok if you don't have a small trauma. We will work on the big ones. I'm in."

She is in. Sometimes I am glad, sometimes I am terrified, and most of the time I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to tell me "I was wrong to be committed to doing this with you. I got in over my head."

I want to give up but I am too terrified to give up.

I have 6 more hours left before it's too late to cancel my next appointment for next week, on Monday. Her official rule is 24 hours. I always go by 1 business day. Really, I could cancel it Sunday night and she would probably be ok with it but I can at least try to give her time to fill that spot if I cancel by today. All I want to do is cancel. But if I do that, it feels like I will sink even deeper into despair. Why am I despairing? I have a great therapist, with more patience than I can accept. I have PTSD. I have trauma in my history. There is reason to have hope. Why am I despairing?

I feel like I am sabotaging this and I have no idea how.