Spiralling Continues

[trying to heal]

I tried writing a letter to my T last night but found it difficult to even open up about how serious my ideation is at the moment. I have gone from thinking vaguely about it every few days too now thinking about it all the time and working out different plans.

I had to fight the urge today to not buy the things I would need. I was out shopping and I eventually made myself get back in my car and drive home.

I hate feeling like this.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know how it feels. I think of suicide daily and the places that leads me scares me. How close I have been and how elbaborate the plans are scares me.

Your therapist needs to know. I know its scary to tell them but they need to know this.

:hug:s

 

[ladee]

Want to share what is going on that is making the ideation so strong right now?
Very glad you Got back in the car. Two very positive things. Getting back in the car and posting here.
I do understand the relief that comes in the planning.
It used to make me feel I was finding a solution as everything else seemed too hard.
I encourage you to write the letter to your T.
Gentle hugs if you accept. You really are not alone. Many of us have been right where you are.

 

[Seasounds]

Good for turning towards self-care.

It is a great time to write on the forum and continuing reaching out, on this forum and with people you know.

Do you trust yourself to be safe, now?

Do you want to say anything more?

Glad you spoke up! Glad you are here!

 

[Naoru]

As a wise group once told me, now is the time to discuss this with your therapist.

It will be hard. It will be uncomfortable.

It will be worth it.

It may feel comforting to have these plans, but do you know what is more comforting? Having your therapist listen, offer support, help you sort through these thoughts or feelings without judgement; having this site to hear you out, provide feedback and the clarity you cannot see in these moments, allow you to feel less alone.

Suicide plans are not a safety net.

Try to write the letter, if you can. Start there. Reach out more here. We are glad to listen. We know the vicious cycle.

So glad you turned your car around and drove to this site instead. :hug: if that is okay.

 

[trying to heal]

:cry: I had to go and see my GP today and he set off some major triggers ... also he is switching my meds but doesn't want me to start the new ones until Sunday (I have to drive a round trip over the weekend of about 10 hours and he doesn't want to start me with any unknown effects of the drugs). I came out of the appointment pretty messed up and did some shopping on the way home. This time I did buy the stuff I needed and it is out in my car. I finished writing the letter to my T last night and dropped the letter into her office today before my Dr's appointment and begged for an early appointment. I wrote up a self-contract in the letter but told her it was only valid until I could see her. As much as I want everything to end I think there is still a part of me that wants her to see how desperately hurt I am and do something. I tried telling the Dr today but I was so upset that I couldn't really say anything.

 

[ladee]

Even if you had trouble putting things into words, you have a very positive mind set.
You have a plan. You wrote the letter. You dropped it off.
You are incredibly brave and turning things around. So very very proud of you and deeply appreciate you sharing this. Gives the rest of us hope.
Sending warm gentle hugs if you accept!

 

[Naoru]

Strongly second everything @ladee just said!

Also, super proud of you for all of the steps you took today. I see strength and hope.