I saw my ex holding hands with another guy today.
She’s allowed to - she’s allowed to move on, she’s my ex.
But what hurts is… she told me the intimate details of her abuse, she cried with me for hours, I held her long into the night… she always accused me of ‘finding things easy while she was anxious’ (apparently I should’ve been anxious too).
She wanted me to be absolutely, 100% deeply intimately invested faaar beyond the normal speed of a healthy relationship, and she blamed me if I wasn’t matching her breakneck speed.
She’s promised to always be there for me on some kind of ‘deep soulmate’ sort of level, and spoken softly about my inner child to me (which no one ever has before, and is very very personal)
BUT she was also abusive.
She went off with two other guys the week after she broke up with me - and then she came back to me with the same old stuff, and I entertained it like an idiot.
Today I happened to see her, and I messaged her to let her know that it was hard for me and that I’d have to disconnect our social media’s and have proper space from her. She just replied “I’ve moved on and have nothing more to say.”
Everything she put onto me took an absolute toll on me. Even just hearing the fine details of her trauma so soon in.. it’s some of the worst stuff I’ve ever heard in my life.
Couple that with threatening to beat me up and trying to force me to sleep with her almost every time I saw her, and all the other stuff… and you have a pretty strong concoction of stuff.
And the big problem?
It all seems so unfair.
She doesn’t seem to know or care, and if I try to tell her too hard it just feels like I’m beating up on someone who’s probably very genuinely ill- which I don’t feel right about at all.
Or it looks like I’m a jealous guy who’s sulking because she has a boyfriend (it isn’t that - it’s all of the incredibly deep stuff followed by a total disconnect, meaning that it was all meaningless and I was sucked in like a loser).
So I’m left with the pain while she goes off without a second thought, and I guess absolutely none of it meant anything.
And once again, I’m the idiot for thinking it did.
There’s no resolution, no solving ….. I’m just left to deal with the agony of it.
If only I could turn back time, I would… I wish I’d never met her…
She’s allowed to - she’s allowed to move on, she’s my ex.
But what hurts is… she told me the intimate details of her abuse, she cried with me for hours, I held her long into the night… she always accused me of ‘finding things easy while she was anxious’ (apparently I should’ve been anxious too).
She wanted me to be absolutely, 100% deeply intimately invested faaar beyond the normal speed of a healthy relationship, and she blamed me if I wasn’t matching her breakneck speed.
She’s promised to always be there for me on some kind of ‘deep soulmate’ sort of level, and spoken softly about my inner child to me (which no one ever has before, and is very very personal)
BUT she was also abusive.
She went off with two other guys the week after she broke up with me - and then she came back to me with the same old stuff, and I entertained it like an idiot.
Today I happened to see her, and I messaged her to let her know that it was hard for me and that I’d have to disconnect our social media’s and have proper space from her. She just replied “I’ve moved on and have nothing more to say.”
Everything she put onto me took an absolute toll on me. Even just hearing the fine details of her trauma so soon in.. it’s some of the worst stuff I’ve ever heard in my life.
Couple that with threatening to beat me up and trying to force me to sleep with her almost every time I saw her, and all the other stuff… and you have a pretty strong concoction of stuff.
And the big problem?
It all seems so unfair.
She doesn’t seem to know or care, and if I try to tell her too hard it just feels like I’m beating up on someone who’s probably very genuinely ill- which I don’t feel right about at all.
Or it looks like I’m a jealous guy who’s sulking because she has a boyfriend (it isn’t that - it’s all of the incredibly deep stuff followed by a total disconnect, meaning that it was all meaningless and I was sucked in like a loser).
So I’m left with the pain while she goes off without a second thought, and I guess absolutely none of it meant anything.
And once again, I’m the idiot for thinking it did.
There’s no resolution, no solving ….. I’m just left to deal with the agony of it.
If only I could turn back time, I would… I wish I’d never met her…