General *sigh* and so it continues - Dealing with the aftermath of ending a toxic relationship

[Anon1]

I went through a similar dynamic in an abusive relationship with someone who had childhood trauma but was refusing treatment for it...

Somehow, abusive dynamics like that tap into a very vulnerable, deep part of us... which is what makes it so complicated...

We don't respond to that dynamic from the rational, adult part of our psyche...

The abuse taps into something very deep and vulnerable in us... and untangling THAT is super difficult...

It would be so easy, if it had only affected us on the rational/ adult level of our psyche...

That's exactly how I've felt.

It's hit me right in the absolute bottom of my gut.

It's such a strange feeling... I can feel the depth of it in parts of me that I haven't even been aware of for absolutely years.

I feel like that sounds weird, but it's just what I'm experiencing.

But as I focus on it, I think I can link it to some specific things, and can kind of sense where it might have come from.

Needless to say, I absolutely *must* stop rescuing people, and need to develop some healthy teeth to defend myself with too.

So... yup... absolutely s**t, but it's probably shown me more about myself than any other situation I've been in.

And yes, I'd rather not know it... but... it's probably better this way in the long run!

 

[Ecdysis]

it's probably shown me more about myself than any other situation I've been in.

Same here. It was the most intense experience of my life... It took ages for me to process it... And it pushed me into a realm I'd never been before... And I learned sooooo much about myself... It's actually ended up being quite profoundly life-changing, cos it changed me... Took me a long, long time to get to those silver linings tho... For what felt like forever, it was just miserable and painful... It took a long time for me to realise that, yes, it was the abuse that unleashed those demons that I was fighting... but regardless of *what* unleashed them, the point was they were *my* demons and any similar situation could've unleashed them, eventually... Would I have gone through this voluntarily? Hell, no. Was overcoming those demons a deeply rewarding and enriching experience that I'm glad I had? Paradoxically yes.

 

[Anon1]

Same here. It was the most intense experience of my life... It took ages for me to process it... And it pushed me into a realm I'd never been before... And I learned sooooo much about myself... It's actually ended up being quite profoundly life-changing, cos it changed me... Took me a long, long time to get to those silver linings tho... For what felt like forever, it was just miserable and painful... It took a long time for me to realise that, yes, it was the abuse that unleashed those demons that I was fighting... but regardless of *what* unleashed them, the point was they were *my* demons and any similar situation could've unleashed them, eventually... Would I have gone through this voluntarily? Hell, no. Was overcoming those demons a deeply rewarding and enriching experience that I'm glad I had? Paradoxically yes.

I can well imagine that! I hope I’m able to be as tenacious with it as you were.
Right now, I think I will be - this has been a huge wake up call.
I’m already looking for a really good therapist who can help support the process.

The thing I struggle with just a little - and it doesn’t change much, but I still feel it - part of me wishes this was simpler.

I was deleting her emails today, and I found some from when we first started dating - they were lovely.
I can really understand why I was drawn in, even if I instinctively knew that she couldn’t possibly mean those things so early on.

But I guess she thought she did mean them.

I won’t give too many personal details away on here, but she apparently once told her therapist that I was her hope and her light. Now - yeah, again: it was too early for that talk (a month or two in, I think), and yes it was pressuring and a lot to live up to… but it was also sort of lovely deep, deep down.

And she genuinely has been through so much, and it really was a very, very severe event that caused her CPTSD (the worst thing I think I’ve ever heard, actually).

I think she’s sincere and that she genuinely wants to be with a nice man, have nice children and live a nice life.

If this was all simpler, I’d either be with her or else be a friend to her, and it’s frustrating that it’s not like that.

And that’s what’s hard - knowing that she might’ve been abusive, and it might’ve really hurt, but she’s not a monster and she was a victim herself at one time (and has now had to work through poor mental health her whole life).

She’s alienated a lot of people, and that must be so hard too - and I would’ve stayed, y’know?

So how you maintain a disposition of compassion while still recognising the hurt they’ve caused in your life is hard...

Maybe that’s partly why it’s better to focus on me than her…

 

[Anon1]

Her new boyfriend called and threatened me today.

I haven’t sent her twenty texts again - I text twice the day I saw them together, and when she replied, I messaged to let her know that I was hurt.

I didn’t message for three days.

Yesterday, I messaged her to tell her I was closing the door on us completely, I wished her all the very best and said I wish I could stay friends, but I didn’t think it’d help either of us to move forward in the end.

That‘s it.

Today?

Her boyfriend called and told me I was stalking his girlfriend, putting her life at risk, and if I ever contacted me again he’d grab me by the throat.

SO - I think I’m feeling less sad about the situation now - obviously I was in something far far FAR more messed up than I realised…!

 

[Anon1]

Her new boyfriend called and threatened me today.

I haven’t sent her twenty texts again - I text twice the day I saw them together, and when she replied, I messaged to let her know that I was hurt.

I didn’t message for three days.

Yesterday, I messaged her to tell her I was closing the door on us completely, I wished her all the very best and said I wish I could stay friends, but I didn’t think it’d help either of us to move forward in the end.

That‘s it.

Today?

Her boyfriend called and told me I was stalking his girlfriend, putting her life at risk, and if I ever contacted me again he’d grab me by the throat.

SO - I think I’m feeling less sad about the situation now - obviously I was in something far far FAR more messed up than I realised…!

(I didn't mean 'twenty texts again', I just meant twenty texts period!)

 

[Ecdysis]

Yeah... my abusive ex made his ex sound like she was abusing him... I believed it initially... By the end of the mess, I figured it was probably the other way around...

Maybe you are her new sob story for the current b/f... Maybe she's saying you've traumatised her and now he's falling for it, hook, line and sinker...? This may be her M.O.

 

[Anon1]

Yeah... my abusive ex made his ex sound like she was abusing him... I believed it initially... By the end of the mess, I figured it was probably the other way around...

Maybe you are her new sob story for the current b/f... Maybe she's saying you've traumatised her and now he's falling for it, hook, line and sinker...? This may be her M.O.

Well, I absolutely cannot - CANNOT - believe that I got myself into this situation.

There's a silver lining though - I was worried it was me that wasn't good enough for her... and I thought this guy would be perfect in some way.

I'd never dismiss or undermine someone who disclosed abuse to me - ever.

But at least when I met her, I had the wits to recognise that she might not be *fully* accurate in her memory of past relationships etc.

And at least I hesitated a lot before I got sucked in.

The signs were there from the start.

Okay, so I did get sucked in - for very complex reasons which I need to explore - but this guy sounds like he's *really* bought into it quick... jeez

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Anon1 there is a proverb in Buddhism called the "2 darts" the 1st dart is when somebody's actions hurt us... it really hurts and f*cks us up!!

The second dart however, WE pick up and stab ourselves with!!! Over and over again!
Look everybody, look how much pain we're in look how much it hurts. We can't help it??!!

Until we learn not to do it!

I don't think you've any intention of being a victim, your just hurting emotionally and psychologically. Your processing it well and others here have mentioned very important insights to you in a supportive way.

I personally got involved with a psychopath about 5 years ago and it nearly killed me managing it and the effect it had on me. I wouldn't wish that experience and my feelings on anyone. So your not alone in experiencing this type of thing. It takes time but you'll get over it. Put yourself 1st, be kind to yourself and use your energy to create a new future instead of using it to fight the past.

 

[Anon1]

Hi @Anon1 there is a proverb in Buddhism called the "2 darts" the 1st dart is when somebody's actions hurt us... it really hurts and f*cks us up!!

The second dart however, WE pick up and stab ourselves with!!! Over and over again!
Look everybody, look how much pain we're in look how much it hurts. We can't help it??!!

Until we learn not to do it!

I don't think you've any intention of being a victim, your just hurting emotionally and psychologically. Your processing it well and others here have mentioned very important insights to you in a supportive way.

I personally got involved with a psychopath about 5 years ago and it nearly killed me managing it and the effect it had on me. I wouldn't wish that experience and my feelings on anyone. So your not alone in experiencing this type of thing. It takes time but you'll get over it. Put yourself 1st, be kind to yourself and use your energy to create a new future instead of using it to fight the past.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, I'd give anything to go back and not meet her.

You're right, I have no intention of being a victim.

I absolutely hate this, but I want to get the balance right between taking time to hurt in a healthy way; and not wallowing too much. It can be hard.

I don't understand why I kept going - it just felt 'hooked' into me.

I think it was 'They're being lovely, they're really hurting, they're now being an idiot - but I know they're lovely, so it must just be that they're hurting, I'll make up the shortfall because I'm a healthy man and she needs a little help'

And yes, I *know* that's wrong on so many levels, but I think that's what it was.

Not understanding CPTSD, thinking she needed me to always be understanding, feeling shame about not measuring up if I couldn't be strong enough for her...

And a fair dose of her telling me she loved me and wanted to be there for me and wanted to care for me etc etc (and things like "You're so sensitive, so I want to be gentle with you", just before cussing me out or something similar).

(And it was VERY eye opening to find out that CPTSD doesn't necessarily involve doing what she does, by the way! I'm not sure, but there must be something else going on there.)

 

[Survivor3]

She doesn't deserve your attention. Nothing good is going to come out of it! That now..."non relationship" is f*cked. Chalk it up to a learning curve and distract yourself with self love and healthy behaviours. Takes time I know.

 

[Anon1]

She doesn't deserve your attention. Nothing good is going to come out of it! That now..."non relationship" is f*cked. Chalk it up to a learning curve and distract yourself with self love and healthy behaviours. Takes time I know.

Yeah, I will do!

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

feeling shame about not measuring up if I couldn't be strong enough for her...

LONG POST - HERE GOES -GET A CUPPA !
Here is the little nugget of wisdom hiding in your post
(1) you felt shame not measuring up ,not being strong enough not being able to support better or understand better - Here is the gamut of questions you probably asked yourself - Could I have done this better? That better? Did I not read them properly? Was I not sensitive enough? Should I have been MORE accomodating ? MORE patient ? MORE GIVING ?MORE CARING? EDUCATING MYSELF MORE ON PTSD AND CPTSD? MORE FORGIVING?MORE LOVING?OFFER MORE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ? MORE SUPPORTIVE ? Did I measure up ? Was I strong enough for him /her? Did I not go slow enough in the getting to know phase? Did I say something to offend?

See ,thing is the aftermath and the after shocks are solely on the supporter( who now becomes a sufferer)

Should I have given HIM/HER MORE "SPACE" ??? (As you can see by my face I feel strongly about this)

THUS - FINALLY FEELING LIKE ITS US WHO ISN'T ENOUGH .
SEE THE SPIRAL? I have been there - I get it.

I would have given mine a chance in a heart- beat.
If ONLY he respected me enough to get back in touch- even as a courtesy.
After me being ghosted and him needing "space" three times.

The loss of a relationship is grief - ONE that was near perfect and with zero friction and utter peace and compatibility is a GOD SEND- and rare. Mine could not see that perhaps. Mine was a sweet and kind soul. Never mean or abusive - until the sudden cut off of all ties overnight.

Your partner could not appreciate you.

(2)We supporters( within a relationships) do feel lost and some element of shame - because we try desperately to understand the one we care for , love and support.
We GIVE SPACE over and over again, we give time ,we give trust, we tread gently, we read and educate ourselves.

Then WHAM - before you know it - space turns into a complete severing of the relationship from their side
( for no real warranted or valid reason)

The "disappearance" or the " vanishing" of the sufferer takes place and the VOID that was MEANT to be a meaningful and committed relationship is gone into thin air -SOMEHOW WE HAVE NO WARNING AND ARE NOT GIVEN A WARNING.
THUS ending up devastated and with a deep wound to mend.

I don't know if others on this community will agree - but correct me if I am wrong -
The truth is you have been discarded. Been there.
SO Sorry to say this - but she was quite clever in HOW SHE UTILISED HER "SPACE".
While you are sitting there , felt sympathy, trusted the "SPACE" believing it was a symptom of her PTSD AND CPTSD she invested her SPACE in sourcing new supply. She was shopping around during the HOLY AND SACRED TIME OF SPACE TO HEAL AND DEAL WITH HER " ILLNESS". ( all respect to genuine sufferers because no two people are the same and all compassion and empathy is extended to those who really suffer and STILL do right by others)

Stay strong - get heaps of peer to peer support here on this forum and self care.