DID Splitting

[HelenB]

I am literally on my way out now so not going to be able to reply properly until later, but have just read what you have written and feel so deeply for you about the things you have written and shared and am sending you safe hugs and thinking of you so much.

Helen

 

[Echo]

@Pietro - thank you so much for your reply. It means so much when people understand. You are right, there are so many amazing people on here. I have now though just gone and triggered myself again, so I'd better go and sort myself out. I want to return and reply properly to your very helpful post. I have got to work out ultimately just what is going on with the one part (or is it two parts?) that have emerged so far with any clarity. I know there is an army inside of me and several outside of me now, so I guess the first part of the work will be to identify them and see what they are about. Remarkable that we are not all written off as mad really, but thank goodness for a therapist that keeps saying how NORMAL it is!

 

[Pietro]

Yes, "normal" is something I've been struggling with, lately. What is "normal" by society's standards and requirements, vs. nature's, are two very different things. :)

Please take care of yourself, which is the most important thing. I will be here. :)

 

[HelenB]

@Echo, I have been thinking of you so much while I have been out and wanted to take a few minutes to reply now and really hope you are doing ok.

I know you will not want to be triggered any more, and really hope you have managed to find a way to keep yourself grounded and safe. Those parts just need to hear so much that it is safe. You are doing so much to keep your mother away and she does not have the power over you at all any more, and I am so sorry to hear of how you were treated by her and your father. It is them who deserved the anger and not you, and though you do have to find safe ways to process it all and are finding it all so hard all at the moment, the most important thing is feeding that reassurance and safety in to all those parts, and when you can do that I know you will be able to face and process all this, because I know you are so strong and that you really do have so much courage.

I am thinking of you so much and sending safe hugs to you and really hope you are ok.

God bless
Helen

 

[HelenB]

@Pietro, I can also relate so much to what you are saying about the protectors, and know those places in me find it so hard to allow me to connect to any of those really hurting and terrified parts, but I know too they are just so scared too and really need so much reassurance too as they too really are just children and none of us in those places should ever have had to take on the things we did, but giving it up when it all feels so terrifying and overwhelming is just so so hard. Again it comes down to building up so much trust, safety and understanding within and between those parts, and as the safety comes more and more I do know that they will get to the place where they can trust enough to be able to face it, and though I know it is still so hard on many levels, I do know that the teenage part I had which was in that role, has come to a place of greater trust, and though those younger protectors are still so scared I do believe that in time it all will come together and is so what is needed.

Helen

 

[Echo]

@HelenB and @Pietro - thank you so much for your kindness and support, and for the interesting information. My head is spinning too much today because of this and other reasons to say much and contribute anything positive. I'm finding it hard to find a place to belong or rather a sense of belonging anywhere, or a way to centre myself. I probably need to really try to break this feeling of spinning out of control before I come back here.

I feel very much that this forum and some of you particularly are such an important part of my healing pathway, and I hope I can be that for you, too. At the moment, I just feel like a nuisance and too draining for other people, and I can't bear to do that to anyone, least of all those of you who are suffering so much, too. Helen, you have so much going on in your own life and I feel such empathy for you. It is deeply touching that you reach out to me when things are so bad for you. Maybe we are meant to do this together in a sort of way or at least just compare notes in a non-demanding way. I really hope I am able to help and not cause further distress. You are so brave and so hurt, too.

Pietro, I don't yet know your story, but I hope to get to know you better here. You have such wise things to say in such an intelligent way. And you obviously have such a big heart.

 

[HelenB]

@Echo, you certainly are not a nuisance at all, it is a privilege to have been able to form the friendship we have on here. You have helped me so much and I feel for you so much too. The beauty of a forum like this is that everyone understands when others are going through a hard time too, and they know their limits of when they can reach out to others too, and it is accepted but also I do believe that through our own hurts it does give us such a compassion for others too, and know you have such a good heart and really do value the support you have given so much on here too and know that others feel the same about that too.

This forum is for you as much as it is for everyone else, who you have no problem with being there for and I hope you really can accept that you deserve it just as much and continue to reach out when you need it.

I understand that there are times when it is harder to be on here, and know I find the same too, but we are here for you and I am glad you have been able to be so honest and real and have the space you deserve to voice the things you do need to, and am praying for peace for you as things all settle down, and that you really can find that sense of peace and belonging, as you find more and more of who you are - the amazing person you were created to be.

God bless
Helen

 

[Pietro]

I can also relate so much to what you are saying about the protectors, and know those places in me find it so hard to allow me to connect to any of those really hurting and terrified parts, but I know too they are just so scared too and really need so much reassurance too as they too really are just children

Yes, very much so. Same with the trust. Once you build-up trust with these protectors, through compassion and tolerance and "being there" when they are hurting, the trust increases and they become more and more willing to reveal things. At least this is what my therapist tells me. ;) But, in my experience, I'm finding this to be true as well. :)

 

[Pietro]

At the moment, I just feel like a nuisance and too draining for other people, and I can't bear to do that to anyone, least of all those of you who are suffering so much, too.

For my part, it is infinitely easier to help someone else than myself. ;) And, when I'm hurting, being able to offer assistance to others can sometimes be helpful.

But the best thing about a forum like this is that we aren't all hurting at the same levels, at the same time, usually. So, when one person needs more help, others might be more available to give it, and so on. So, you're not a nuisance. One of the more important parts of this forum is to be able to get that kind of support when you need it. And, here, you can get it from people who truly understand -- no funny looks, no judgments, etc. :)

 

[Bedbug]

@Echo, you have been such a great help and support to me. I've not been writing much since starting back at work last week because I've been so tired, but I often think of you and the kindness and encouragement you have shown me.

 

[Echo]

But it can also be because they sense you are trying to get past them and find what they hide. They were "born" to keep you alive and will fight like hell to keep you away from what they feel will hurt you.

Hi @Pietro, yes, I think this must be what is going on with my 20-year old self and why she is aggressive towards me and appears to be lying. Underneath it must be her overwhelming sense of distress about some aspect of the rape that I maybe as yet have not brought fully into consciousness. It is very confusing because she is also screaming at me that I'm not listening to her whatever I say. There does seem to be another part, as yet rather vague visually, with a very critical, nasty attitude and turn of phrase. This seems rather more like my mother and father wrapped into one, and it is following my 20-year old self around and intervening in my conversations with her. It does make sense that they have been internalised as my inner critic.

It is not surprising that they should all emerge when I have so very recently written to my parents to tell them about my diagnosis and that I am seeing a rape trauma therapist. I have asked for no contact, which was immediately ignored by my parents and all of my 3 sisters. Of course, it is kicking all of this up. I have taken a brave but necessary step on my road to recovery - I need that space from them in order to have any hope of healing - but it has meant that the rats are out of the bag for my parents, and to a lesser extent my sisters, who were not abused. I gave my parents no details in my letter about my recollections of the rape, or the abuse by them. They will inevitably be wondering what I will remember and what I will do with that information. My mother will be very likely doing her ruthless, manipulation of the wider family and family friends, and I am sure a great deal of my fear is what that will entail for me. My temporary cut-off is very probably going to turn into a permanent one as far as they are concerned, and it is just not what I had envisaged for my life. I had previously decided to be the loving daughter I wanted to be, despite their attitude. I had decided to try and avoid getting pulled into their constant psychodramas and stick with my stance on life. With the emerging memories of abuse, though, that stance in respect of them doesn't seem to viable any more, or certainly not for the foreseeable future.

Our identities are so deeply connected with our blood families, aren't they? But as you know, emotional abuse twists is all so horribly. Unfortunately, I have not been in a position to have a family of my own and currently have no partner, so I have not managed to establish another safe place of belonging in the world yet. I have a career identity, but not a family one. So I am rather at sea on that front right now and am surprised to what a degree it is an issue. I suppose we are all small furry creatures at heart, who need to know where the pack is and get upset when there is a threat to that pack or the burrow! I am though one of the strongest people I know, so I am doing my best to find positive points of reference. It is all just a bit too slow.

 

[Echo]

@Bedbug and @HelenB - thank you both for your very kind, sweet words of encouragement. I know you are both going through such difficult times at the moment and being inordinately brave. You are both an inspiration to me. I think we are all the same in that some days it is just too difficult to reach out or contribute; it takes all we can to just go on breathing with all that we have to deal with. But I know it is a comfort to me to be able to read again what you have said to me and I draw strength from your experience and wisdom. I hope we can all rise above this together in a loose, unpressured kind of a way. Thinking of you both and sending big hugs, Echo