DID Splitting

[Ryn]

(((((@Echo))))) Many safe hugs to you.

 

[HelenB]

I have just read your posts and am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time at the moment. You are such a strong person, whose light really does shine through, even though you are going through such a hard time, and I am praying for you to really be able to find the safety to be able to release all of what you need to release at this time and sending you gentle hugs if it will help.

God bless
Helen

 

[Echo]

@Hope4Now, @Ryn and @HelenB - thank you all for checking up on me and sending me such lovely messages. Today has been awful with my anxiety levels hitting the roof. Nothing that I've done has helped and I've had a new client and computer upgrades to deal with, so I've had no peace. My ex just rang (I didn't answer), so I am now feeling like screaming the house down. I asked him not to do so. But I guess this is just indicative of the crap place I'm in. I am sorry to sound so negative, but I am not really. I am just very scared. I know it will pass but it is getting worse and worse. I presume something is afoot, because there is not much different in the external world for me. The pressures of life are the same as ever, so it must be something going on internally that I can no longer hold in or down. You all give me so much courage and are all role models for me, so if you can do it, I can do it.

Thinking of you all and sorry I haven't got it in me at the moment to encourage you, too. Blessings all round in the meantime, Echo x

 

[Ryn]

I am so sorry things are so hard today. :( I hope after this awful period, you will feel better for having released whatever your body is trying to release. You certainly deserve some peace and rest and this is such a horrible thing to have to be dealing with. I wish I could do more or had better words to offer, but know I am thinking of you and sending lots of hugs.

sorry I haven't got it in me at the moment to encourage you, too

@Echo - your very existence is an encouragement and a blessing, and I mean that. x

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi @Echo. I'm still up (1 AM here), and thinking of you. Just wanted you to know, because this crisis stuff always feels so very lonely. (((echo))).

 

[Echo]

@Hope4Now - it is 6.30am here and I've woken again and can't get back to sleep. Sorry you are struggling, too. I've just realised that I am probably fighting this too much because I need to get things done; I need to pay my rent; I haven't got time to break down. But it is costing me either way. The physical pain is really bad at times but I am putting up with it because I know it is not 'real' in the now, though it certainly feels like it.

I just asked my tormented younger self to show me without flashbacks what happened, I got one image, and immediately I found myself disbelieving it and simultaneously saying I haven't got time for this. So I realise these three messages aren't helping: tell, I don't believe you and don't tell. And that's just the adult me. So instead I've tried to make a pact with all this pain. I'll find time soon and when I've heard the whole thing, I'll understand and I'll believe it. That's the way it's worked in the past.

Off to see if sleep is available. I hope you get some rest, too.

 

[Wyakin]

:hug: For @Echo and @Hope4Now

 

[Hope4Now]

So instead I've tried to make a pact with all this pain. I'll find time soon and when I've heard the whole thing, I'll understand and I'll believe it.

That sounds wise. These parts of us seem to get most overwhelming when they're receiving conflicting messages from us. I'm caught in a similar tell-disbelieve/minimize-go away cycle.

I hope you found some rest for your body and your mind. (((Echo))).

 

[Echo]

@Hope4Now - yes, I'm trying to live by that today, but my main problem is my palpitating heart. It knows there is something huge afoot and it won't pay attention. I actually think it is just so broken with everything that has happened, as well as what I have discovered, that it cannot cope any more with this amount of grief. On the surface, I am feeling positive enough, despite all the rest, but I need to find time and a catalyst to have an explosion of grief. It just sucks, but then most people here understand that.

It helped to get angry earlier, but I'm not very good at tolerating that, so again, I suppress it. I have really made myself into a trash can for emotions, and I don't know how to stop it. Next thing on the list to try to counteract, but I learnt this as a baby I guess, so having to rewire the whole of my dysfunctioning brain is going to take time. At least I know I am not alone in that here.

Thanks for your support when things are so hard for you.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Echo, your poor heart. I'm sending butterfly bandages to support it. It needs a nice peaceful place to snuggle up in a cozy chair and rest and heal with love and kindness.

It just sucks, but then most people here understand that.

Yes.

Thanks for your support when things are so hard for you.

You know, it helps me too. I told someone the other day (my son, I think) that our hearts are very stretchy and get stronger elasticity the more love that comes in and goes out :)

 

[Hope4Now]

It helped to get angry earlier, but I'm not very good at tolerating that, so again, I suppress it.

I forgot to comment on this earlier today. I was in a weird place today and very self-involved. Everything I read about ptsd seems to come back to the quelling/stuffing/denial/re-attribution of anger. It is so easy to get angry with oneself, and so overwhelmingly difficult to get angry at others, even when they have done something hideous.

I was reading a book about re-shaping your life at middle age around the beginning of the time that all this PTSD hit me (It is one of about 3 self-help books I've read in my life, until PTSD...now I've read around 20!). It talked about letting out anger in a therapeutic way...it had some really practical exercises for it. I tried one, (the one the book categorized as "existential anger"...the "Really? You've got to be kidding me. Really?" kind of anger at things we can't control. It actually let me access some of my own anger...it was a bit overwhelming...and I couldn't tolerate it either.

How are you doing?

 

[Echo]

@Hope4Now - I just feel deep sadness for everything I've lost due to my parents' selfishness, ignorance, and my mother's narcissism. I have largely reattributed the blame, I think. I am starting to see much more clearly which problems belonged to my exes, for which I no longer need to take responsibility, and how what happened to me informed my own behaviour. I despair, really despair, at society's attitude to rape, abuse, PTSD and mental illness, too.

I do believe in handing people back their karma (life's lessons) and I now really hope I can stop rescuing my abusers and sacrificing myself as a reflex action. At the moment, my anger relates (in my imagination) to people, specifically my abusers, lying to me. If any of them do from now on, I fear they may get it full bore. I have felt all along that fighting or campaigning or speaking my own truth is where I'll put my anger to good use. I was doing work with a rape charity when I got triggered. Ensuring others are more empowered to get help and not go through what I've been through will have to be part of my future, however informally, I think. As the PTSD hit and I could barely get off the floor, I could still fight and channel the massive rising energy in this way in very short bursts. Anger channelled in a good way so no one gets hurt seems healthy to me. In the past I've beaten pillows and my bed in an attempt to feel anger about being raped and some energy did shift but I can't exactly call it anger, but then I barely consciously knew the whole truth.

What I don't want is to find myself incoherent with rage at someone and end up saying all sorts of rubbish I don't mean. I think wielding a sword of righteous and justice and standing for peace and compassion is more my thing, if that doesn't sound horribly pretentious. Sowing further dischord or giving my abusers further ammo against me is not.

But first I have to let my body tell me the truth, as you are doing, too, and get rid of the fear. Using the energy of anger to put up appropriate boundaries and say no is also part of it. Hurting other people, any other people is not. I hope I can channel it into getting healthy and fit, too.