DID Splitting

[Hope4Now]

What I don't want is to find myself incoherent with rage at someone and end up saying all sorts of rubbish I don't mean. I think wielding a sword of righteous and justice and standing for peace and compassion is more my thing, if that doesn't sound horribly pretentious.

It doesn't sound pretentious at all. I think a lot of people who strive to help others become that way as a result of processing their own issues and wanting to empower others on their own journeys. To give to others what they did not have themselves. Maybe that's too sweeping a generalization. I guess it comes from my experience with so many healer-type people in my life who have shared with me bits and pieces of their own journeys. So many people have experienced so much pain in their lives.

Do you think some of the fear arises out of this disjunction regarding anger? That the pent-up rage that is stuck somewhere in our systems will come exploding out and wreak havoc...either to ourselves or others? So we pour it into peace and justice activities, into helping others. We turn it in on ourselves (well, at least I do). It channels it, but it doesn't really metabolize it. I don't know...I'm just playing with the question, I guess.

 

[Echo]

Do you think some of the fear arises out of this disjunction regarding anger?

For me, at least what I can determine so far, my fear relates to being hurt again, to not being able in the moment to protect myself, to being required too early in the process to deal with people in my life who want answers from me, or to people returning to my life and not treating me well again. I think I desperately want, not necessarily apologies, but for them to realise what they have done for their own sakes as well as mine. I don't want people lying to me or thinking they can waltz into my life again and take from me without giving in equal measure. My fear is that I won't sufficiently recognise the signs, won't be able to ask for what I need, won't be able to hold the boundaries properly. I know I need to be able to say no, I'm not ready yet to deal with you. I have it happening right now and I am far too aware of the hurt feelings of the ex concerned; I won't speak to him on the phone, just by e-mail, and he is voicing a sense of being pushed away, not trusted and incomprehension at what is going on. I don't even want to have to explain myself to him. I am trying really hard not to get pulled in and to retain a sense of what I need in all this.

I do also fear I will be very angry if he or any of the others lies to me again or belittles what is happening to me now or what the original hurt was. My prime concern is that just at the moment, I would turn that anger on myself, since I don't yet feel comfortable with voicing my needs, particularly if they run counter to others' requirements. Above all, I wouldn't want to hit anyone with the full sense of betrayal and hurt I feel in relation to my parents, when I would be projecting onto those who had broken my heart, it is true, and betrayed me, but were not my original abusers. It is all hypothetical, because I don't yet feel anger, but the rising energy is something that I can channel into work at times, when I'm being creative (not when I'm working for others). I don't register that energy as anger. It is more like some kind of firey urgency or akin to anxiety without anxious thoughts, if that makes any sense. I actually believe it is trapped creativity that needs to come out. But since it is fierce, I can use it to campaign, too.

 

[Hope4Now]

I don't yet feel comfortable with voicing my needs, particularly if they run counter to others' requirements.

Ah, yes. I understand this so well. Often, I'm still trying to figure out what my needs actually are and being able to voice them to myself first. That next step--voicing to others--feels terribly difficult and dangerous, yet so very important. It sounds as if you have a really good clear sense of what you need to do to protect yourself. That is so good.

I don't register that energy as anger. It is more like some kind of firey urgency or akin to anxiety without anxious thoughts, if that makes any sense.

Hmmm. Yes it makes total sense. I have this energy too.

I actually believe it is trapped creativity that needs to come out.

Yes...I've interpreted the energy as that as well.

I wish a good day for you, Echo.

 

[Echo]

And to you, @Hope4Now