Spouses As Partners In Recovery?

[halflifeguy]

I'm starting to tackle the cPTSD affects on my relationship with my spouse. I know that I will need the support and validation... but I can't help but feeling the responses I'm getting are so cryptic and wishy-washy to think they are really skeptical and pessimistic and I'm going to be wasting my time.

Not sure what I'm looking for from posting... anyone else have this battle, anecdotes, tips and tricks, success stories... ?

 

[DogwoodTree]

My DH and I are in therapy together...I'm the one with PTSD, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have issues. Everyone does. So this is a chance for him to engage in his own healing and growth process, which strengthens our marriage and relationship.

I've found it's very difficult (i.e., impossible) for me to feel supported by him if the focus is always on me and my junk. It seems to work a lot better when we're two broken people traveling this journey together.

 

[halflifeguy]

My DH and I are in therapy together...I'm the one with PTSD, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have i...

I figured my T would likely want my spouse to come in at some point and I'm looking to T with a background in marital. We do both have issues, her's are slight compared to mine, but I see how both approaching this as a journey together will help.

 

[Kintsugi]

I looked through your post history to see if I could find the responses you felt were wishy-washy. Are you referring to the responses to your introduction? If so, part of why you may have felt the responses were a bit on the soft fluffy side is because a) you did not share a lot of information and b) the Introductions forum is really a space for people to welcome you to the forum moreso than addressing hard-hitting issues.

Even here, I have to say, I find it hard to respond to your circumstance, because you haven't really given any information about your situation. Every situation is different, containing unique struggles and other factors. Maybe you could share what affects your PTSD has on your relationship? What struggles are you and your partner encountering? How do those relate to your symptoms or trauma? What would you like to improve in your relationship along your journey to heal?

Addressing some of the above inquiries may set you on the path to some wonderful insights, opinions, and personal anecdotes from our membership. ;)

ETA: another tip--if you're having difficulty composing a thread that brings out meaningful responses, look through the PTSD Relationships forum for posts that got tons of responses, or responses you found really helpful or straightforward, and look to see what the original post contained that brought forth that sort of response.

 

[The Albatross]

It took participation and not a slight amount of difficulty... a lot of difficulty but we've just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary. Like Dogwood, I'm the PTSD but my mister had/has issues of his own. We did solo and joint therapy and also private counseling and mentorship and then all four of us joint in our church.

 

[halflifeguy]

I looked through your post history to see if I could find the responses you felt were wishy-washy. A...

Simon, to clarify, the "wishy-washy" unenthusiastic response is my spouse's, not the forum! The members have been great, this place is awesome! I wouldn't ever consider the posts fluffy, in fact the respectfulness everywhere here is heartwarming. Reading through the forums and threads, seeing all the other insights, is so helpful... and re: this thread, the supporters threads are especially helpful... but I didn't find one that duplicated my questions on the issue.

 

[seedling]

Thanks for the clarification @halflifeguy, I was wondering if you meant your wife.

It's hard to know if you might be wasting your time at this point. You may have some basis in reality in what is coming across about you wife's responses. You won't know until you do some communication on a deep level. Will she go to therapy on her own? Will she go to marriage counseling with you? She could come to some of your sessions with your therapist but together may need different counseling just to address your relationship as you make your way through the PTSD.

her's are slight

I can understand why you would say this but I would also caution you against this kind of assumption. It's hard to know the depth of anyone's issues. It's hard to know how they are entangled with yours in your relationship.

lol - I thought I had a happy childhood and was well balanced until the PTSD came along from adult trauma. There's lots of ways to have issues.

I don't think any relationship work is ever a waste of time.

 

[halflifeguy]

Hi Seedling -

Agreed about assumptions and I'm prepared for a revelations as we move forward. I won't go into specifics but she has shared her experiences with me and is aware of her quirks. I have a good handle on her baggage - one benefit of an abusive family, you get good at sizing up people.

In the past she has refused joint T sessions, and she expressed disinterest in my own. She has seen friend's marriages fail after couples therapy, and her rejection is based on fear of the shame and damage to her self-esteem projecting that on us.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

[thinking out loud here, with apologies if this sounds a bit impersonal]

My future husband is [UNDIAGNOSED] complex PTSD dissociative (repeated developmental trauma/abuse/abandonment/violence), to the best we can tell. Not to the extent of DID, but we have had at least partial [fragmented?] "others" in our relationship. AND we think I am somewhere on the "more than normal" end of dissociative experiences, too. We both have serious "attachment issues" (of a somewhat opposite nature) and have had various bad "core beliefs" that we have both worked hard, and WITH each other, to find healing and good communication ..

BOTH of us have had to go through various forms of counseling in our lives .. BOTH of us know that my "issues" are real and needed addressing, but were nothing nearly as severe as his .. This means I am his "Supporter" but HE is my CHAMPION. :) I have a kind of "counselor's mind" but he also has very practical wisdom learned through the school of hard knocks, and we meet in the middle between having our heads in the clouds and our feet firmly on the ground. ;)

And my knowing that I have things, too, has forced me to learn greater humility and not be so over-confident about whether I'm reading him or our situation altogether accurately, and HIS issues have force him to be extra careful with me, cuz he knows his "fight or flight" response is LOUD and often uncontrollable, and he has refused to commit to things at varying times because he doesn't want to "break his word" with me. This usually works for us, because the HEART of the man is honorable, even if his actions are confusing and difficult sometimes. (and even if I bring my issues to the table) .. I have to fight with myself (!) whenever I'm tempted to doubt his INTENTIONS, because I do in fact BELIEVE the best about him, at all times. Walk myself through our past history, test my assessment of his past proven character so that I'm not overruled by my "emotion" in the moment. ... etc. And I still gotta work on me to SHOW that I believe in him, wrestle my own frustrations, etc. into submission. "Take every thought captive" so to speak.

It really helps to have "rules" of behavior, under the protective umbrella of unwavering commitment to one another and unconditional love. "I'll work through this with you NO MATTER WHAT because I BELIEVE in you, even if we have issues, and I want to be WORTHY of your trust." I think ALL relationships would benefit from this kind of structure, cuz as was already stated, we ALL "have issues." None of us was parented perfectly, or treated perfectly by others in the world. My guy discovered, "accidentally" in his work life, that he was best able to "function" normally when he was adhering to a hard and fast "policies and procedures" manual (applied "firmly, fairly .. so we have kinda adopted this for US, our marriage, any future parenting we will do to ensure we don't pass along the "attachment" issues to our kids, etc. We will have a "Family Covenant" to govern our behaviors and decisions .. and we are EXCITED by what we've come up with so far. This idea might not be for everyone, but each couple is unique - the point is the commitment to work it through together.

"I don't quit you. PERIOD."

I hope you find what you are looking for!!

~WU

 

[The Albatross]

"She has seen friend's marriages fail after couples therapy" ... personally I have seen many more marriages fail without couples therapy so I think it's a perceptual bias, and "her rejection is based on fear of the shame and damage to her self-esteem projecting that on us" ???? Well on that score I'd call into question the idea that her fear of shame or damage to her self-esteem trumps or takes priority over the partnership of marriage... (I admit, on reading that statement I immediately thought "bull shit").

 

[halflifeguy]

Thanks for the honesty Albatross, that's what makes this forum so great. I hadn't thought her through as far as your reply does, but I would expect it is right. Her self esteem was thoroughly systematically demolished as a child in her family, and she even put up with me ptsd for over ten years without calling me out on some awful things. I wouldn't be surprised if she's prepared for us to fail blaming herself, taking solace in me being the bad guy. I don't want to drag that out of her, but to just get us in therapy and start working.

As Whispering Unicorn posted, I won't just quit my wife.

 

[halflifeguy]

[thinking out loud here, with apologies if this sounds a bit impersonal]

My future husband i...

Whispering, thanks for sharing you insight and methods for getting through the future. Our situations have a lot in common. I hope we find the strength you have, and get through this.