Sufferer Sprained My Ankle, Caught Ptsd

[WillThereBeCake]

Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Or I was, until I came here, read the posts and finally had to concede that my recent diagnosis of PTSD might be correct. My subject line applies to an incident where I slipped and thought I had broken my leg. Despite the blinding pain, I realized at that moment, I was more scared of strangers coming into my house, or even going out to get help at an ER. My husband was out of town, but I slid over to my nightstand and used my phone to text out a message to him. He called and then had a medic call me, and I figured out I wasn't going to die, it was just a bad sprain.

However, it did wake me up to the fact that I might be agoraphobic, so I finally dragged myself out to see a therapist. After hearing my whole story, she concluded that I'm not agoraphobic in the traditional sense, but she suspected that my stalker of nine years, something I mentioned rather non-nonchalantly, might play a not so small role in my self-imprisonment. She explained that I have PTSD and I guess CTSD (current traumatic stress disorder, if that is a thing) since my situation is still ongoing, but hope is on the horizon.

I have become so used to the situation that I was utterly shocked to learned that not everyone lives in a fortress, wears Kevlar to do yard work, and doesn't sleep with a firearm and fire extinguisher. What??? My stalker is no little nuisance, he is a sexual predator and arsonist, who in no uncertain terms told me what he was going to do to me, and tried to set my house on fire when I reported him to the police. I endured his constant harassment for three years, until we could move and then constructed the dream home of anyone who has a bona fide fear, or just generally hates people. While I have not seen him, based on his previous behavior, I always assume he's still out there.

I thought I was coping pretty well until, ironically, he was finally arrested as a serial rapist in the fall. Rather than feeling relief, I guess everything came rushing out, and I started experiencing all the symptoms of PTSD (although I didn't realize it). I had actually been experiencing most of them along the way, just in small doses, as I was in total survival mode. He is still awaiting trial, so I have to be a little tight lipped on specific details, but she encouraged me to join a group. Until he is permanently locked up, even she conceded that leaving the house might be a little overwhelming right now, so you are all stuck with me as I take the first steps, to not only confront my condition, but hopefully start the steps to healing...and maybe even go out and get a cheeseburger or pizza sometime.

I do leave my house, but never on a schedule, and only once every few months to go get items I can't have delivered. It really is a good time to be a house hobo, as I can have almost everything I need sent to my "compound". I do have two very close friends. Their names are Ken Dell and Ned Flix, and seriously, I really don't see anything amiss with the way I live. I am surrounded by wonderful rescued pets, and my husband is great, just travels a lot for his job. Because the things I enjoy are homebody things, I don't feel like I have really had to give anything up - except emergency medical treatment - who needs that anyway, right?

I'm not a total hostage, if one of my pets sneezes, I rush them to the vet, but I am looking over my shoulder the whole time, and have online access to my surveillance system, which I'm checking constantly when I'm away. I am perhaps more worried that he will try to burn my home, with my pets in it, than that he'll get to me.

That is the nutshell, but I have lot more symptoms which I don't have to tell you all about. I LMAO at the "You might have PTSD if...." thread, and could have written a lot of it.

So, I guess I've taken the first step to admitting I have this blasted disorder, and look forward to this forum to help identify my stressors and get back to joining the land of the living.

Thanks for having me aboard. I still haven't seen the cake. My therapist promised there would be cake.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

OK, I guess I do have it bad. When I hit the create thread tab, a box popped up and I swore it read, "Your THREAT has been posted". I'm a hot mess ;)

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome and I can very much relate to the type of agoraphobia you describe... I have had several stalkers in my life. The last one was here at my home where I live and took over three years for my husband to believe me (even then it was because my mother in law witnessed it herself and she told him how scared I was).

I am amazed that you can do yardwork (even with kevlar)... because though I have slowly and systematically been able to stretch the amount of time, duration and places I can come and go to and from. Doing yard work in my front yard or side yard (where the stalking occurred primarily) still isn't one of them. It is on my list of challenges and goals to do and I hope to desensitize this trigger in the coming year or so. It occurred to me when reading your post that I could run a background check on my last stalker (I know his name and date of birth because I used a rifle with a scope after I locked myself in my house to read the tag on his pick up truck and ran it). If he is no longer in my town, it would really help me move forward. I do though run my zipcode to be aware of predatory or sexual offenders... and my area has about 40 of them.

Running on a bit... but I relate, relate, relate... the stalking stuff was just part of my traumas. But it made me afraid to leave my home. Glad you're here.

 

[NarcSis]

Mmmm, pizza and cake, you're more than welcome, but only if you share.....
Come for the cake, stay for the support. :tup:

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I am amazed that you can do yardwork (even with kevlar)... because though I have slowly and systematically been able to stretch the amount of time, duration and places I can come and go to and from. Doing yard work in my front yard or side yard (where the stalking occurred primarily) still isn't one of them. It is on my list of challenges and goals to do and I hope to desensitize this trigger in the coming year or so. It occurred to me when reading your post that I could run a background check on my last stalker (I know his name and date of birth because I used a rifle with a scope after I locked myself in my house to read the tag on his pick up truck and ran it). If he is no longer in my town, it would really help me move forward. I do though run my zipcode to be aware of predatory or sexual offenders... and my area has about 40 of them.

Albatross, and your screen name is perfect for the situation that we and others share, I have to force myself to do a lot of things. The yard work is part of my security. I designed the 8 acre homestead with a large amount of hardscaping, so I don't have to do a lot, but I know that an unmowed lawn might scream that the home is either vacant or "the man of the house" is away (although though the yard work has always been my thing). I also move around my vehicles to give the semblance of traffic in and out. I do a thousand little things like that so that if he shows up, he has to stop and think, and that god forbid, I don't create another stalker by broadcasting that I'm alone a lot and holed up in here. I've lied to our few neighbors and told them I work from home and am stuck online all day. They don't need to know the whole story. People get a little weirded out when you introduce yourself as "Hi, I'm your new neighbor. I've lured a sexual predator to your neighborhood. Oh, what pretty daughters you have."

Although I don't go out often, I go out of my way to be outgoing and social to people, but in a guarded way. Sorry guys, I know you're not all creeps, but I do limit most of my interaction to women, preferably old women....with canes...who can't drive ;)

My therapist agreed with, and actually said she was somewhat jealous of, the little niche I'd carved out, but I have a lot of issues with anxiety and anger, that I have to work through to even be at peace with myself. The squirrels also call me "moody" which I think is totally unfair, but who can believe anything a squirrel says anyway. SQUIRREL!

And, do stalk your stalker, at least in the ways you wrote. I haven't seen mine for five years, but you're darn tootin' I know where he is at all times. I'm a little more Sun Tzu that I would like to be, but you have to take back a little control, and knowing where they are is something that gives at least the semblance of that. Even if it's a mental crutch, it does help me.

 

[safenow]

The squirrels also call me "moody" which I think is totally unfair, but who can believe anything a squirrel says anyway. SQUIRREL!

Thanks for the tension relief. I personally believe everything a squirrel tells me.

I can so relate to your story. Last year my stalker came into my apartment while I was out. Somehow, he disconnected my alarm service (which I since replaced with a better one), set my apartment up to blow, and if someone hadn't stopped me to say my screen was dislodged, I'm sure my entire building and the residents would have been history.

He only got 6 months and a fine of $5,000 for it. The police said, "No one really got hurt." Hell, the Attorney General is the one who told me this guy is a cyber stalker, and a cyber rapist. He's done this type of thing before. But anyway, lets just say, I understand.

I'm glad you are here. Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Lots of really good people here. They are very supportive. There is lots of great information as well.

Nice to meet you *passes a piece of cake to WillThereBeCake*.

 

[Lucycat]

I thought I was coping pretty well until, ironically, he was finally arrested as a serial rapist in the fall. Rather than feeling relief, I guess everything came rushing out, and I started experiencing all the symptoms of PTSD (although I didn't realize it). I had actually been experiencing most of them along the way, just in small doses, as I was in total survival mode..

I relate so well to this. I had got on with my life until the day my abuser was arrested and then 'Pow' full blown PTSD symptoms - ie total meltdown. Got diagnosed soon after, and when it was all explained to me, my Therapist was clear that all the signs of PTSD had been there since I was a child, I had just got used to it and found ( unhealthy) coping mechanisms.

Once the lid was off, there was no going back and no amount of coping mechanisms were ever going to be enough. Luckily with a brilliant therapist, some medication and a fantastically supportive husband I have recovered beyond all recognition.

Good luck with your own journey. Once you recognise that you have PTSD, you can learn all about it and find your own path to healing. I am so pleased you have a therapist - I have made the occasional cake for mine in the past!!

 

[Pencil]

I'm a little more Sun Tzu that I would like to be, but you have to take back a little control, and knowing where they are is something that gives at least the semblance of that. Even if it's a mental crutch, it does help me.

I think this is great, and more than simply a mental crutch.

I apologize if I find this thread funnier than it was intended to be ... :roflmao::blackeye:

 

[Toria]

Personally... I think your thread title would make the most amazing title for a book! As for your name - I love it :)

Welcome to the Forum - there are so many helpful and supportive people on here and so many already who have said how much they can relate to your life that I hope this will feel as if it is a safe place for you.

An 8 acre homestead with rescue animals... ahhhhh :happy:

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I relate so well to this. I had got on with my life until the day my abuser was arrested and then 'Pow' full blown PTSD symptoms - ie total meltdown. Got diagnosed soon after, and when it was all explained to me, my Therapist was clear that all the signs of PTSD had been there since I was a child, I had just got used to it and found ( unhealthy) coping mechanisms.

I think on many levels, I was prepared for something to come out of it, like the agoraphobia, or an anxiety disorder, but was really shocked to hear PTSD. Of course, after researching it more, it does all fall in place. I was a little amazed by all the physical manifestations - the confusion, headaches, disorientation, etc. I guess with some things in my background, that I too had probably been suffering in some capacity, so I was "primed" when something like this happened. When it started, we honestly thought it would be settled quickly. Don't even get me started on law enforcement and attitudes and why it took almost a decade to stop this psycho. A lot of that is what I'm having a hard time dealing with. I can easily separate one fool from the populace of wrong doing, but the betrayals and apathy over the years has left me terribly jaded.

It's a good thing that Amazon delivers cake mixes.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I can so relate to your story. Last year my stalker came into my apartment while I was out. Somehow, he disconnected my alarm service (which I since replaced with a better one), set my apartment up to blow, and if someone hadn't stopped me to say my screen was dislodged, I'm sure my entire building and the residents would have been history.

SafeNow, I really wish I could express shock and dismay at what you encountered with the authorities, but I'm just sitting here shaking my head in disgusted recognition. I am very thankful that no one got hurt, but that doesn't change his intent one iota, and he should have been sent up for a long time.

I have come to think, and I profusely apologize to our law enforcement officer here, that many "peace keepers" do just that. They change their focus to keep the peace. Well, stalker, rapists, and abusers of all kinds are not peaceful. Things will get loud, and messy, and I really wish more would go through the muck needed to protect more people.

Sorry for the soapbox, have a piece of cake ;)

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I have to apologize as I think I might be messing up the postings here. I am having trouble getting use to the previous dialogue coming up automatically when I hit reply. I am trying to edit to reply to only a part (Yeah, I read the rules darnit) and somehow my replies are getting stuck with them. De De De

I also want to mention that I have adapted an almost morbid sense of humor as a protection mechanism (who am I kidding, that part has always been with me). Please take my sarcasms in stride. I would never make fun of anyone's situation, nor my own, except to illustrate the absurdities that many of us have had to deal with. I learned long ago that I had to laugh so I didn't cry.

Thanks for your patience!