Relationship Stage Of Furious

[christine12]

Let me start my Thread by saying I hope everyone is having a blessed day, I am writing on this thread because I dont have anyone else who really can relate to what I am going through.

I told the guy I was seeing that I haven fallen for him and I asked him how did he feel about that his answer was ....complete quiet absolutely nothing! And I didn't expect for him to say the same thing as me even though, I feel it from him he just wont say it. But to completely ignore and not even acknowledge my question to me is just plain rude. I asked him via text 3 times to answer me and he just ignored it except for today when he said " you said no pressure to say anything but you have asked me 3 times the same question" I told him no pressure about saying to me the same thing I did to him. However today my reply was forget it!!!

You know I realize that I will probably get comments on here to me saying I am not understanding how he is feeling and that he is dealing with a lot with PTSD and you cant expect him to say what you want or so on.... But I am gonna say this I have been here for this man when he has been in his moods I have waited to hear from him when he doesn't feel like talking, I drop whatever I am doing to talk to him or meet up with him just so he knows I care and I am here. I have been exhausted but I will get up on my days off when my kids are in school and go and hang out with him. I always send him a up lifting text every single day either saying. "your a great man" know your worth your a smart man" your handsome even at your worst"..... But you cant give me the one thing I ask for just to know how you felt!!!

You know I have dealt with a lot in my years on earth. I have battered wife syndrome, I had been beat for over 12 years and even miscarried a child from his beatings, left my husband with just the clothes on my back and some of my 4 kids things , my husband died 2 years later and I had to bury him after he did all those things to me. I have anxiety still and take meds for that, but not once have I ever ever put someones feelings aside to the way side.

I apologize if I piss anyone off or someone doesnt like what I said or feel that I am the person that is being selfish , ( not like I havent heard that from anyone on here before). But I am so hurt and angry that I just needed to release . Thanks for reading if you did

Chrissy

 

[amethist]

Hi Christine.

I know you are hurt by his lack of response, but it may come as a shock to him. He may feel under pressure to say something, but cant.

It has taken my husband a long time to get back to telling me how he feels about me. For a long time I was nurse or mother caring for a sick child.

Give him time and just show him you care, not tell him and then expect him to be able to tell you how he feels when you want him to.

PTSD does not work like that.

 

[christine12]

Thanks @ amethist ... Appreciate ur opinion and I knew there would be people who make the same comments you did ... But no PTSD doesn't work like that ... But it also doesn't exclude people from some of there actions as well.

 

[LizardViolet]

If you're not getting what you need, then think about whether you want to be with him. Do you NEED him to say those words? You say you can tell from his actions how he feels. Is that enough?

I've been with my bf off and on for four years. I think he has said the word love maybe three or four times in all that time. He has never, ever said "I love you" to my face. He said it once in a text, and actually I think he got triggered because he freaked out right after that.

This is how he is. He was an abused child and he is a combat vet. He has trouble with trust, he has difficulty with emotional intimacy. I have always known that he cares about me because of the things he does. That's enough for me. I don't use the word "love" with him because it's too scary for him.

Can you accept your friend exactly as he is? Are there positive signs you see that you can hold on to, are there ways he lets you know that he cares about you? You have a right to your feelings. There's a whole thread here where supporters express their anger and frustration. But he is who he is.

 

[Dallas]

You should stay centered in your OWN life. He can be there to add to or enhance your life, but he shouldn't BE your life.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

That way, what he does or doesn't do or say, or how many times he calls or texts won't affect you so much.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[intothelight]

But no PTSD doesn't work like that

Christine,

Keep reading the supporter threads, especially those from the SO's of men that have PTSD. Seems to be a real common problem with men to express "feelings". I will not say this is limited to men as there are woman who have this problem too. PTSD symptoms cover a broad range and not everyone's PTSD is alike, although there are common symptoms; but the degree to which they are displayed can vary greatly.

Dallas had great advice. Take care of yourself first and live your life for yourself. Healthy relationships involve "give and take" from both parties. Even though there will be times when one needs to give more than one receives, it should not be the main dynamic of the relationship.

JMHO

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Really, I don't see this as a PTSD exclusive issue. I used to belong to a relationship issues forum and things like this popped up all the time.

You told him that there was no pressure for him to say the same. But, in reality, you lied. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but if you truly meant that he didn't need to reciprocate, then his silence would not make you so mad.

You show and/or feel love by SAYING those words. In reality, there are five main ways that people express and want to feel loved. You and your boyfriend are likely not on the same page on this issue. (Damn, the name of the book slips my mind...can anyone help here?)

I don't feel and express love through words. Words are just words. Anyone can say they love you. Not everyone can show it. What other ways has this man expressed that he cares for you?

Also, maybe part of the problem is that you always go to him, you always text him, etc. Guys are made for the chase. If you don't make a guy chase, you may not know how he really feels. Maybe you should read "he's just not that into you"...

Again, my response isn't PTSD based. Just because he's acting this way doesn't necessarily mean its because of PTSD.

 

[Dallas]

the name of the book slips my mind...can anyone help here?)

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?

 

[Dallas]

Really, I don't see this as a PTSD exclusive issue. I used to belong to a relationship issues forum and things like this popped up all the time.

Guys are made for the chase. If you don't make a guy chase, you may not know how he really feels.

I agree with SOL- as a struggling ex-enabler/codependent I have always used men to make me feel good about myself. It doesn't work that way. I now see the freedom in having your own life and adding beneficial and reciprocal relationships after you have your own life worked out.

I think it's important for the guy to make all the moves. I think it makes him feel more "manly" and gives you confidence that he really likes you. I think some of these guys might be suffering a little from self-esteem issues and the more you let them "do their job" the more confidence it gives them.

But SOL is right- non of this is necessarily PTSD related. It might be exacerbated a bit with PTSD, but I think it's more a man/woman issue in general.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[christine12]

thank you everyone for your comments and advice and as always I read and process the information and let it sit for awhile before I go any further with commenting :)
Thank you
Chrissy

 

[vladandfluffy]

Dear Chrissy, I actually became a member to respond to your message so bear with me.

It disturbed me to hear what you have already gone through and in addition are now in a relationship with a man suffering from PTSD. You may want to seek a professional that can help you to see if you may be having symptoms as well and if not at least they can give you some information on how PTSD may affect your relationship. But, speaking from experience (my husband had been diagnosed with PTSD 5 years ago) and addressing your comment about the sufferers actions...It is common for those types of things and the person who suffers from PTSD has a hard time relating to emotions most of the time(except for anger or guilt)and will even turn hurting your feelings into something that is "your fault".He cant help it ,but he will. He will not think of your feelings first and foremost, he has been taught to suppress his feelings no matter what the situation and it will take a long time and hard work and therapy for him to get past that.

I have read what others have posted here and they are all correct and helpful, but to be honest with you, if you have not been in a long term relationship with this man and you have suffered abuse and neglect yourself you may want to rethink your relationship with him as it may bring about more pain for you. I know that sounds terrible and I dont mean that you should abandon him. But if you have suffered from abuse you are probably looking for support and validation as a woman and a person and expressions of love that you were lacking in before. It could take a very long time for this man to be able to express the sort of things that you need. You either have to step back, be supportive and help him achieve the capabilities to do this, or you should pursue other avenues.

I treasure my husband and would give anything to take his pain and anguish away, but it is not easy loving someone with PTSD. My husband has problems with emotion expression and libido and so many other things and although things are getting better, people who care for PTSD sufferers experience the flack from symptoms that can be very hurtful and seem uncaring.

You may already be committed to this man,and if you are please learn to be patient and tolerant and not pressure him in to telling you something before he is ready.

I hope I am helpful in some way and I just want to say to everyone who is experiencing any form of PTSD in your life, KUDOS for being supportive and strong and my heart goes out to your loved one who had been diagnosed.

Holly