Started Counseling Again

[Momma Kitty]

I exploded the other day at my husband, daughter and grandbabies. Everyone seem to be totally dependent upon me. I was trying to manage my daughter down sick with a stomach bug, my two toddler grandbabies under foot while I cooked supper, then my husband coming home from work wanting my attention too. I ended up burning my had on the skillet.

Time to step back and figure out what I need, instead of what everyone else wants from me. I have been trying to prevent my world from falling apart by doing what ever needs to be done, not expecting anyone else to help. Well, they don't much because they know I cannot stand to wait, so I do it myself rather than complain repeatedly. Thus I am doing too much.

This counselor is familiar with me and my husband. Did the basic initial visit of paperwork, complaints, etc. Next appt is after Thanksgiving.

I am tired of being sick. I am tired of worrying about what is not getting done. I am tired of feeling I have to do it all. I am tired.

Hypervigilance may keep me going, but the stress is causing me to either fall apart sick or explode on my loved ones. The lists are not getting done. I don't have enough time in a day to do all that is needed.

Add to the stress the fact that we are pretty much broke. The budget is so tight, we barely have gas money with the rising costs of everything. So much to do, so much not done, so much for me to worry about.

In the past I have told this counselor that I would love to have a labottomy (removal of the part of the brain). I am so tired of all the emotion, worry and stress. Yeah! I would love to become a simpleton!

 

[Spacechic]

Yeah gotta agree about the labotomy sure would make life easier. Life is tough especially with the economic hardships. Its hard just being without all this other stuff. At least you hvae sense enough to seek help. I wish you well.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Stressors, stressors, and more stressors will make us sink quickly. You have so much going on at home right now I'm not surprised that your symptoms have increased.

But the GREAT news is that you recognized it and are seeking out help again.

Huge step and great insight. Both show the progress you have already made.

 

[anni]

Hi,

Thank you for the posting. I am genuinely struggling with getting back to counseling and wished to say thanks much for letting us know you've managed to get there.

Your life is so stressed at the moment! Maybe you exploded but then you took SUCH a positive action because of it! I hope today is better than yesterday, and for what it's worth please know you've been genuinely helpful while sharing your progress.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Momma Kitty]

Today I am sick in bed with a head cold. I missed my Girl Scout meeting, and I am the leader. I just called a couple Mom's. Hopefully, it went well. I feel guilty.

My husband came down with the head cold Sunday morning. That threw a wrench in my plans to travel to my previous home to mark the property lines for the Realtor. He has procrastinated about moving my belongings and getting my previous home fixed and sold for four years now. There is always an excuse. I am on such a guilt trip to leave him on his own to do for myself on my days off work.

My daughter was proud of making chili for us Sunday. She worked all weekend. The grandbabies were at their Dad's for weekend visitation. When they came home today, the 2 yr old cried unconsolably as usual wanting her Mom. We noticed a bruise and cut just above her right eye as if she fell. They smell terribly of cigarette smoke plus always hungry. The 3 1/2 yr old just woke up crying and scared of her own kitten. We have tried everything over the past two years to get DCS involved due to them crying every time they are to spend time on visitation and their actions when returning. If we had the money for a good lawyer, it could be solved, I am sure.

I am so frustrated by my husband's co-existing actions. He comes in from work and cannot stay awake. After a nap, he watches the news. I was watching another program thus he copped attitude when he awoke. He is feeling much better today and I am the one in bed sick, yet he cannot seem to do anything for me. I didn't even get a good night kiss.

I am immobile with the overwhelming feelings of my emotions and to do list. At least I am done with my primary day job for the month. My second job is only Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights. Since my husband works straight days, weekends off now, it is frustrating to work evenings plus Friday and Sunday nights.

He moved me out to the portable building with him over a year ago. He put a petition dividing his old shop for a bedroom in the back. This was done for privacy time initially. Then last winter, when the electric bill increased 35%, we moved my daughter and the babies into the masterbedroom and shut off the rest of the house. We do not have plumbing in our building, but do have tv, laptop, microwave and a small refrigerator. He pees in a cup and throws it out the door. It is so barbararic!

When I moved in February 2006, prior to our wedding in August 2006, his ex wife of five years of more began causing him issue with the shared custody and visitation of his kids. We spent a lot of money on lawyers. February 2007, her husband pointed a gun at mine while attempting to pick up his kids for scheduled visitation against his ex's wishes. The DA refused to prosecute. March of 2008 was the last time his kids were here. He has taken them out to dinner, without me, two or three times since. With the holidays approaching, our finances, my daughter not maintaining the housework, me working two jobs, my husband withdraws more every day.

Then there is the issue of my Father and why I am PTSD. Yeah, I returned to counseling because I have no support system. My husband has always been my rock. Together we were strong. No I am all alone, complaining all the time about the messy house to my daughter, which grates on her self worth. Not getting any comfort and attention from my husband makes it unbearable. My thoughts are to run and start a new life, but alas, that is not possible. Beside, running will not solve it.

 

[anni]

Hi Momma,

It's amazing how the burden gets thrown onto the one who is willing to step up and bear it. You're so capable and strong and it sounds like you're the one holding chaos at bay. Wow how frustrating it must be to have your husband bug-out on all these issues! It's hurtfull also, I know! My husband is very good at the responsibility things, but tends to shut-down and bug-out when issues with his children crop up. That makes me feel terribly alone, unsupported and isolated from him. I've never been able to reconcile the 'rock' I know him to be with the person he is at those times. I'm lucky at the moment because the main annoyance is away from home at college, but when she's here it can be just plain hellish.I talk, cry, become ill, become isolated from him but it's clear I'm not getting anywhere. It hurts to know that 'thing' exists and I'm not allowed to do anything about it.

You know, these DCS things are appalling!! The ones that end up on the news with serious damage always seem to get addressed after some dreadful event, THEN some talking head from DCS comes on the news and admits, yes, they dropped the ball on this one. Gosh they're over-worked and under-funded and these things happen!The media gets involved, the public is shocked, etc., because the warning signs were there and then it's too late. Jerks. When I lived in England, the incidence of child abuse was a fraction of what it is here because over there, they track each child from birth and step in earlyyyy when signs of trouble show up. I was so shocked to move back here with my small children (30 years ago) to find it seems as if noone cares about them but US.

It is more than frustrating to have someone give advice that is not workable for you. If I do this please do excuse! I only offer this because it helped me. but might not be possible for you, I don't know. I used to belong to a church. I'm not overly religious, and no, this isn't a 'turn to God' rant, believe me! Some churches ordain ministers who also have to have counseling expertise, especially couple counseling. The Lutheran churches I know have this. Even if you are not a member some of them will agree to counsel couples, and thier services are generally quite good.Your husband sounds like he'd rather bug out, but faced with the facts that his life and marraige are falling apart perhaps he'd agree to go see someone with you? It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship and were very happy not long ago. Maybe he'd be interested at the chance to be that happy again.

I hope you are able to isolate your counseling time, and get some relief for your PTSD with your own counseling. I hope you're entirely 'selfish' about it and are able to get there consistantly, and concentrate only on yourself.

I would like to say that in the midst of the stress and strain and heartache I hope you know that you are being a rock for some children in need of your love. Maybe they'll be spared some terrible emotional damage because thier grandmother loved them so much. The people who should be protecting them have bugged out, and in their own chaotic little world you are a figure of love and security. It might not seem like that's enough and you'd love to give them more but I think it's probably huge for them.You're trying and doing your very best for them, and at least your corner of their world is brighter for you being there. Sorry to get on the children 'rant' but so many people would be so overcome by their own troubles they wouldn't find energy to help the children. You have so much stress, hurt and the dam PTSD to deal with but still do everything you can to try to make their lives better. I feel you must be a very fine human being!

On a side note, it seems to me that one of the side-effects of PTSD can be a stronger sense of compassion than most people have. That can be hellish in itself, I know! I live that. also. In your life it has made you a very protective, loving and caring grandmother. Once in a greattt while PTSD can be used to our benefit, maybe in your case your huge compassion is helping your grandchildren.

Please don't be frustrated if I've been unhelpful. At least please know that between your counselor and the sufferers here in the forum you not alone.

Feel better from that awful cold soon, and take care?

Anni

 

[onebravegirl]

Your words reminded me of my own life several years ago. The more I did the more was put on me to do. Eventually I was no longer acting like a Human BEING, just a Human DOING. I crashed, completely crashed. Huddled in the fetal position mumbling to myself. The I wasn't any use to anyone.
Please Be careful with yourself. Sadly, No one is going to magically appear and make things easier. YOU have to voice your needs and insist on them. A mother and a wife is a cornerstone of a house. But a father and Husband is another and It kinda sounds like either your family doesn't really see how much you are struggling or they are taking advantage of you. Maybe if you do less it will get messy for a while, but then they just may gain a new appreciation for you and sincerely help.
I know my Husband and sons dearly love me. But they had no idea what was going on inside me. And even if they had have, they probably would have minimized it because they wouldn't have known what else to do. "MOM always does everything, that what she is for. She always puts us first and thats how things are supposed to be" was pretty much their thinking. Well, they were wrong. Mom was a person too. Just a girl doing all she could. It was their turn to help me. I was the sick one and they had to learn and grow into more thoughtful and caring people, cuz Mom needed them for a change. Yes, YOU are entitled to be the one in need too. Life just gets too comfortable for people and change can be scary.
Going to This counselor is such an excellent thing to do for yourself. It will give you power to stand up for your own needs and help you see that you are entitled to as much TLC as anyone else.
At some point I had to ask myself: What would happen to my family if I was in a wheelchair? Or if I was completely paralyzed? They would have to make adjustments to help me. Would they love me less? Of course not.
Well right now I am unable to do everything, they love me and now they get to show it!
Wishing you all the very best,
O
O

 

[Momma Kitty]

I am trying to do better for me. I cannot stand nagging for someone to do something, or living with things not taken care of. The other end of the coin is that being "selfish" is a label I greatly hate. I have thought about going back on Paxil CR. Lately, I have been really sick with a cold. Thanksgiving was minimal. Everyone had to help. I slept until almost noon. Soaked in a hot tub trying to unstop my nose and relieve my tight coughing chest. By the time I got out, my daughter was home and my husband finally got out of bed. (He is sick with a cold too.) He peeled potatoes. She made tea, devil eggs, green bean casserole and straightened her mess in the kitchen. I prepared the dressing, turkey and boiled the potatoes. My husband helped me put up the left overs, and clean up, while she tucked in our grandbabies.

I will tell you about the drama from my daughter's ex another time.

Everyone is off work and home tomorrow. We shall see. Hubby is still solemn. Wish I knew what he was thinking. He feels so distant these days. Money I am sure.

 

[Momma Kitty]

Second Counseling Session

I hate it went the counselor keeps looking at the clock!! Value of meeting: I live with two Procrastinators! I cannot procrastinate! I am Hyper vigilant and manic.

Didn't even get to Dad issues. Touched on my issues with my ex over past year. The fact that I was arrested on false charges, booked too, before a Judge dismissed, gave him a no contact order, and threatened him for misuse of legal system. And I am still dealing with my ex not giving me a quit claim, 5 yrs after our divorce!

Then I come home today to find out my Adult daughter has found the laptop my husband ordered for her, and done nothing as far as laundry, cleaning, dishes, feeding pets, much less picked up the mess, before time to get her two toddlers from daycare. While I must get ready to head into my second job tonight!!! AAARGH.

 

[Deleted member 541]

The way I see this......Your daughter does nothing because you don't put down consequences/boundaries. Whether dealing with a young child, or an adult child, boundaries are needed, otherwise they just walk all over you.

 

[Momma Kitty]

Hmmm, the last time she found something I hid that was for her, I made her take it back to the store herself!!! So you say I have set no boundaries? She pays rent, electric, groceries. I continue to scream over and over about the laundry, dishes, etc. I have even gotten her up out of bed in the middle of the night to get her laundry out of the washer or dryer so I can do a load. I am so tired of ranting and raving...

I have tried to not do it for the past several months. I maxed out one day in August. I had used my days off to wipe down the entire house and complete all the laundry while my daughter and grandbabies were gone one weekend. Within two days, you could not tell I had done anything. I lost it. That was the end.

Unfortunately, both my husband and my daughter are severe procrastinators. Every article of clothing will be dirty before they worry about doing laundry. Then there are molded damp clothes in the hamper!!! The dishes will be piled in both sinks and only what is needed will be washed, thus my husband has bought plastic forks and paper plates along with his own food for the shop where he hides from my daughter's messy kitchen. So now it is avoidance. Thus I am still waiting for what a counselor told me years ago: No one changes until they become so uncomfortable in their current situation that they must change.

 

[onebravegirl]

:Hug_emoticon:Hi Momma
I thought I would tell you a little about my younger days. (It is of course, greatly abbreviated ) I'll just give you the main points. I was raised by a very abusive set of parents. I left home at 19, a virgin. I moved away to another province and met this Powerful, amazing ,beautiful guy who said all the right things. I fell madly in love. He told me how he would protect me and care for me till death do us part. Then a very short time later he said he was in Danger. (Oooooo). He owed people money and they were going to kill him if he didn't pay up. Oh how he hated himself for not being able to give me everything I deserved. If only there was a way to make all our troubles go away. He locked me in an apartment for days at a time, telling me that the same bad people would now be after me and that I needed to hide too because they were so violent. I would hide behind the curtains and pay he would make it home safely. After a few days of this he returned and told me that these bad people needed money now, and that he only way to make money fast was if I prostituted myself. I would be doing it for love you see so it would be OK-like it was the ultimate sacrifice. If I said no, I would be signing his death warrant. I agreed to do it. He set things up for me so that powerful pimps would have an investment in me-that way I would be more protected out there. By the way, his family-including his parents knew and thought I deserved this because I was white. I made a lot of money for him. I have no idea where it went. I begged for months to please let me stop, but he said that the only way I could was if I Pol Danced instead. He said I needed to loose some weight to do that, so he moved me out of the City, locked me in a house and starved me. Then once I was too weak to fight back, he put me back on the street. He told me stories of other women who he had known who were sold to pimps in others places and that women like me were easy to have disappear. I don't think I need to go into all the details of the horror I lived in. I was anorexic and still thought I loved him. I refused to work because I was so weak. I got a real beating for that.
I got a hold of a big bottle of Tylenol and swallowed them all. That made him even madder, another beating and a trip to the emerge. I lived, and while at the hospital the nurses wanted to know why I had so many bruises, I lied. Then they told me I was Pregnant. I was thrilled! Now at last he would love me and we would get out of the Game. Nope. He said either I get rid of "it" or work hooking on the track Pregnant. I refused, he beat me again. Then he took me home, locked me up again and left. I picked a lock into a room that had a phone. I called my Dad. The one person more scary to my Man was my Father. My Dad came a got me. Shocked at how I looked, and even more shocked at how terrified I was of everyone and everything. So I carried my Baby full term in my parents home. My boyfriend made death threats on me so I had to tell my dad the whole story. I was too ashamed to tell my Mom. My dads response was "Well, now you know better".
Ok, so now here the point of my telling you this. 8 months later, I was a single mother, still terrified for my baby and my life and my Dad said "Time to get your own place, you got a child to raise". Sounds hard hearted but that is what I did. I rented the tiniest house in the world and raised my son. Life is Tough Momma, even when you don't want it to be. I say kick that daughter of yours out on her ass and make her start living her own choices. It was the best thing for me, and in the end I think it will be for your girl too. If she can pay you rent and utilities and grocery money, she can do it out on her own too. She may have to live in a tiny house too, but it will be hers to live in as she chooses. At first I hated my father for making me leave, but now I look back and it was the best thing for me. I had to move forward in life and if I stayed home I wasn't going to grow into a healthy capable mother, I would still be a child. Of course my Dads motives are another story, he just didn't want a baby in the house, but thats besides the point. Momma, let your girl grow up, a kick in the ass will help her!:Hug_emoticon:
O