SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
So I had an important breakthrough yesterday. I am going to travel to see my parents soon, and my friends in the same city, and as usual that brought the feeling of traveling into my past a bit and the desire for them to see that I am doing good still(whether I am or not). For the past 5-7 years I've gained 20kg over what I used to be(I was very skinny so that's not quite so bad, but still).
And although I perfectly know how to lose weight, I was dealing with depression and anxiety and fears and flashbacks, so I would lose and gain and lose and gain weight a lot.., And every time I go to see my parents, or have an event, I want people to see me as I used to be. To see that I'm looking good, that I'm doing great. To kind of pull off a fairytale transformation moment, whether it's real or not. Especially that my mom always worries, whether I've lost too much weight or gained too much and makes me feel(I think actually to no fault of her own- she didn't realize I felt that way) like if I'm not in certain shape, then I'm a horrible person. Of course she'd never do that intentionally, but I have a lot of trouble expressing myself. Sometimes I let people's words make me feel bad and then I change, and push down whatever I feel. Overall, not healthy.
So yesterday it struck me that the trip is coming up soon and since the last time I've seen them I've gained another 4-5kg, and it shows, and I knew what would happen. So I started planning some drastic attempt to change my weight overnight...and then I realized how that sounded. That I treated things as a child would and had no idea how to talk to people anymore, especially when I'm stressed.
So I told my mom that I have gained weight and not to bother me about it when I come, because that stresses me out. I calmly explained that I know what to do to get in shape, that I'm planning to do that, but it's not going to happen in a week. So she should lay off the questions a little and let me resolve that. We talked for a very long time, and I'm still not sure she agreed with all I said, but she accepted it. So I am changing a pattern. I hope. It feels good to decide to stand up and express how I feel rather than react rash and do something unhealthy.
And although I perfectly know how to lose weight, I was dealing with depression and anxiety and fears and flashbacks, so I would lose and gain and lose and gain weight a lot.., And every time I go to see my parents, or have an event, I want people to see me as I used to be. To see that I'm looking good, that I'm doing great. To kind of pull off a fairytale transformation moment, whether it's real or not. Especially that my mom always worries, whether I've lost too much weight or gained too much and makes me feel(I think actually to no fault of her own- she didn't realize I felt that way) like if I'm not in certain shape, then I'm a horrible person. Of course she'd never do that intentionally, but I have a lot of trouble expressing myself. Sometimes I let people's words make me feel bad and then I change, and push down whatever I feel. Overall, not healthy.
So yesterday it struck me that the trip is coming up soon and since the last time I've seen them I've gained another 4-5kg, and it shows, and I knew what would happen. So I started planning some drastic attempt to change my weight overnight...and then I realized how that sounded. That I treated things as a child would and had no idea how to talk to people anymore, especially when I'm stressed.
So I told my mom that I have gained weight and not to bother me about it when I come, because that stresses me out. I calmly explained that I know what to do to get in shape, that I'm planning to do that, but it's not going to happen in a week. So she should lay off the questions a little and let me resolve that. We talked for a very long time, and I'm still not sure she agreed with all I said, but she accepted it. So I am changing a pattern. I hope. It feels good to decide to stand up and express how I feel rather than react rash and do something unhealthy.
