Relationship Starting A New Thread Since I Think My Situation Is Similar, But Different Than Others

[SupporterInLove]

I wanted to start a new thread since I feel like the situation with my boyfriend and his PTSD does cause some stress for me, but not necessarily the same as what I'm reading about other peoples.

First of all, he never abuses me whether it's physical, emotional, verbal. He doesn't ever disappear on me or put me down when I tell him I feel bad.

However, my biggest stresses is when I see or hear about how much pain he is in due to things from his past, etc. Also, on a regular basis, he does get mad over little things - he never takes it out on me, but does get angry around me, which stresses me out and makes me uneasy.

But the few times he has had huge break downs, he'll ask me why I'm even with him... wouldn't I rather be with a guy who is "normal" and has friends, etc. etc. I tell him that I love him and I know he loves me, and he always treats me well. He always takes care of me and thinks of me when it comes to all the little things throughout the day.

About the friends thing - that's also another thing that has been kind of difficult for me. He tells me that before he met me, all his 'friendships' weren't really real friendships, but rather friendships that would be inappropriate to keep now that he has a girlfriend. He doesn't have a problem with me going out with my friends when I want to, hanging out with them. But the thing is when I am out, I always know in the back of my head that he's alone. And the other night, when I stayed out later than expected, I think he maybe felt like, I should be doing my own thing too.. So he called some old friends, but when I showed up at home while he was still home, he decided to stay in with me.

I guess my point is, he has told me before that maybe we would have more fun if he had friends to bring me around, or to all hang out. But I told him that I don't really have a problem with that. I still see my friends every week, and my other friends that are couples, hang out with my boyfriend and I all together. And I love when we're all together, because he gets along great with my friends and all my friends love him. I don't even know if I'm making sense here, I feel like I'm rambling. But I'm guessing that there are other people on here that can relate to me and provide feedback.

Lastly, every time he has had a breakdown and thinks that I can do better, I tell him that no guy has ever treated me so well. And the main thing that drew me to him when we first met and became friends is that we are similar in personalities and it was refreshing to meet someone who is like me - whether its good personality traits or bad... And when were together, there's no one else I rather be with.. he makes me laugh, is goofy with me... he now has pretty much been able to completely be himself around me, which is the first time in his life for him.

Ok, I'm gunna stop making this so long. But, pretty much around the holidays last year, that's when I started finding out more details about his PTSD and how it affected him. This was about 9 months into our relationship. January was a really difficult month, but slowly each time he had a breakdown, he would tell me more and more. Now, I know everything, and it has actually made things much easier for me by knowing everything, because it makes me much more understanding.

He has seen how the PTSD has affected me, and in the past month, has been working on it. He has even told his parents about me, which he has never really told his parents anything about his private life, let alone girlfriends. Parents are actually coming to visit from out of the country next week, we'll see how it goes.

I guess bottom line is, I know he's trying. He has said that he will go back to therapy, which is what I'm hoping he will start going to sooner than later. But if anything, he has been making steps to get better. I guess the only thing I have looming in my head sometimes is wondering how our relationship will be in the long run. Sorry for the blabbing, just looking/needing some feedback. This site alone has helped me immensely.

 

[SupporterInLove]

Oh, and another thing to add - a lot of the threads I read are people who were already married or together when their significant others were diagnosed. My boyfriend has had it almost all of his life and in the first few months of our relationship when certain issues would arise, he had told me he had PTSD. But before knowing him, I basically had zero knowledge about PTSD. It wasn't until the holidays and after (9 months in) that it started affecting him to where he was showing it, and started affecting me. Just wanted to add that since I know others on the forum are taking care of people they love that were diagnosed, then thins started changing. But I want to hear from people who fell in love with someone who already had PTSD to begin with, and if and how they decide that they want to stay by this person's side in hopes that they will truly want to get better.

 

[sisu]

I am not sure what you are asking here tifany...maybe I missed something. But it sounds to me like you and your boyfriend have a pretty good relationship.... :tup:

 

[ProudWife99]

Tifany, I knew my husband had PTSD before I married him and things got worse before they got better. As his is combat related his redeployment really set things off for us. I agree with sisu, I'm not sure what you're asking for here. If he doesn't take his symptoms out on you, treats you well, manages his anger pretty well, and has a few moments of feeling sorry for himself he's doing pretty well. You can't cure PTSD, but you can manage it. From what you describe it sounds to me like he has it pretty well managed. Even the best system leaves room for leaks and breaks sometimes, but if on the regular you're truly happy with him I'm not sure why you'd even question it.

Knowing what could happen or how it COULD get worse is smart. It's hard to know if you can do something until you actually have to do it. PTSD isn't a choice, but staying with someone who has it is. If you choose to stay and his symptoms get worse just remember not to cast blame on him for getting you into this. Hope that helps.

 

[SupporterInLove]

Hi all, thanks for the replies. When I posted this I kind of rambled, but I guess I am still just looking for carers or sufferers who have experienced the same things. My bf and I have been together for almost a year now. Since we've been together, if he's not with me, he's alone, whether it be at home or at work. Although we do stuff together in groups (with my friends), there are still a lot of times where I go out and do things without him. Then what happens is, it eats away at me knowing that he is alone. So the other day I went out in the morning to tend to errands then ended up staying out late-ish while catching up with my best friend over dinner and drinks. While I was out, I could tell that he got frustrated because he was waiting around for me all day and when I was coming home a lot later than planned, he said he made plans. However, I got home before he left, then he ended up just staying in with me.

The next morning he broke down saying how he doesn't have any real friends and that the few people he was going to go out with, he didn't even really want to, as they are party people who just tend to get into debauchery or trouble. But he felt the need to since he doesn't want me thinking he doesn't do anything without me and can't do his own thing. Basically, I just want to know how sufferers or carers respond to this. Because maybe he's not like me, where he needs to socialize and spend time with friends. However, every time I am out without him, it's constantly eating away at me.

And lately although he's not abusive in any way towards me, he's even less often happy. And it's at the point where he relies kn me for happiness. And I am turning into the only thing that can make him happy.

Yesterday he told he he hates how he is and how he can't make it through an entire day without being angry. I have been encouraging him to go back to Therapy but he says when he used to go, it cost him so much money that he rather just try and workout, get in shape. But I really don't think doing just that will help things improve greatly.

 

[SupporterInLove]

The first month where I began finding out everything and the PTSD was bad (January - one month ago), I was depressed. Trying to figure out and learn about PTSD, didn't really see my friends. This month I have been taking care if myself better - seeing friends, doing things. So the feelings of being down are much less. And I'm doing well with work, just got a promotion. I just need to figure out how to take care of the both of us more, as lately he is down much of the time. I hope I don't classify as one of those supporters who just ramble and "need to open their eyes." Still new to this all, but I love my man and want to stay by his side and hopefully he can get to a point where his quality of life is better. Because I know even now, aside from me, he still hates his entire life and what he has been through and how it caused him to have a pretty abnormal life.

 

[sisu]

Ahhh...I get what you are asking now. My boyfriend is kind of the same way ~ except for the fact that when I'm not there, he has his kids there. He does not have a lot of his own friends either. He has lots of people he knows in town and talks to at his kids games or if he runs into them elsewhere. But they are not people he talks to on the phone or does anything with. He has a couple of Army buddies in town that he grabs a beer with maybe once per year. He is fine going out with me to bars, restaurants, etc. And he is fine going with my friends or even over to my friends houses....he just doesn't have any friends of his own. He never goes out without me....unless he has had a particulary stressful day he might go alone to the Legion and have a beer or two.

My take on it is multi-level ~ 1) there is that trust issue, he doesn't want civilian aquaintenances to know the dark secret, 2) he feels that it is a security risk to let others "in" - as in, to get to know him well, 3) He is more comfortable with that military brotherhood and these other guys just don't have the same interests and/or outlooks on life. Probably more reasons too....but these are ones that I can think of now.

When you make new friends and start sharing things about yourself it puts you in a vulnerable situation. We civilians w/o PTSD don't really ever think about this....it's what we do - we meet new people all the time. These military guys are taught to keep things in, don't share much personal info, etc. And then there are the friends they knew before they saw Iraq or Afghanistan or some other horrible place ~ these guys probably seem so different now that they have seen what they have seen.

I'm not sure how old you and your guy are, and if you are young then going out with friends is probably very important. (it was for me back then) My guy and I are in our 40's -we both have kids, dogs, houses, etc. We are both pretty happy with an evening in. :geek:

IMHO, maybe you could chat with your boyfriend and let him know that it is important to you to spend time with your girlfriends. That most of the time he is welcome to join you but sometimes you just need your "girl time". You would love for him to have some guy time too with his friends, but understand if he is not comfortable with that. But when you go out he should try to work on his hobby or do something that makes him happy so he doesn't feel bad about his lack of friends or the fact that you went out. My guy likes gardening, working in the yard, making beer, reading, doing crossword puzzles.

Anyway, good luck. ~Sisu

 

[SupporterInLove]

Thank you Sisu. Yeah, I don't think I got my point across the first time and was emotionally rambling. I'm 25 and he's 38. I am a pretty social person and always have needed and liked to see my close friends on a very regular basis (my girl time helps keep me sane!) I started this thread because I started feeling lost again. Like I said, January I was depressed and down because I wanted to figure out how to help him. This month has been bad for him, he says February has always been a hard month for him. He hasn't been happy much lately and I'm just lost on how to help. I find myself feeling down with how things have gotten routine lately, etc. Uh, I don't know, when we first finally talked about everything, he said he would definitely try different thins to manage his PTSD better. But I know this month has been really stressful for him - February in general, his birthday, Valentine's Day, his parents are coming to town this weekend. This whole thing is just so crazy. The first few months of our relationship was summer time - everything was great. I just hope after this stressful month he can start doing things to get better and manage it better. My suggestions have been excercising more, therapy, more outdoor activities, etc.

Anyways, thanks for letting me ramble - this site has helped me a lot in keeping myself together lately.

 

[SupporterInLove]

Lastly, I'm just trying to keep myself happy while being there for him. Having gone through patches of depression due to family problems in my own life, I get really scared when I start feeling anxious/possibly depressed. Sometimes I think, is it smart to be around someone who affects you like this. In any other case, definitely no. But with someone with PTSD, I know he loves me and is never wrong to me, and I love him, so I want to be there for him. I found out about this after falling in love with him, so of course I want to take care of someone I love.

 

[Toria]

Hi Tifany, we are exactly the same, well - you have more friends than I do!!!

For me, this wasn't exactly triggered by PTSD but the PTSD has sort of enforced it. When I first met Husband I worked in a pub so he used to come in and see me in work. Because he was in the Army at the time he had a small band of friends, but in the Army people get posted so they come and go. He quickly made friends with all my friends and they loved him too.

I've never been the sort of person to have friends just for the sake of having them. I've always had a few close friends that I would meet up with and that I could talk to. I once rented a room from someone that I met in the pub and she was upset one night about something and was crying. I asked her why her friends weren't round keeping her company and she said the saddest thing - she said "they're not those kind of friends". That has stuck with me for well over ten years and made me realise just how lucky I was that I had those handful of good friends.

Once I moved in with Husband things did change, as things do. We did still go out occassionally for meals with friends, but we were never party people, and to be honest we were both more than happy with one another's company. I've posted before about wanting a house where I can shut the gates and keep the world out - that's what our home is to me - our home, where we can spend time together and be us. I do sometimes think that it would be nice to have the kind of house where there are kids and dogs and friends in and out all the time - but I'm not sure it would be possible now.

So, that was before PTSD. After, the voluntary "exile" it sort of became enforced - my friends knew that he had "PTSD" but I don't suppose any one of them knows what it is! Life goes on and people move on - a few moved away, two had children (I'm really not child-friendly!!!) so they became their priority (as they should) and became wrapped up in playgroups etc and we just continued to live in our little bubble.

We never really thought about it until he was at an Army Tribunal a couple of years ago and the lady in charge asked us about our friends - we just looked at one another and said in tandem "we don't have any". To be honest it did shock us, but we now make a joke of it. We have neighbours that are lovely and that come for coffee, we have friends in a neighbouring village that we keep promising to catch up with - we just never quite get round to it.

So, you're certainly not the only ones - not sure that makes it okay, but we can be antisocial together!!!

 

[sisu]

tifany,
You must continue having your girl time with your friends. After all, what good will you be to him if you are depressed and unhappy? It is most important that you take care of yourself first - that way you can be there for him. With February being particularly difficult for him, it may make it more difficult for you to go out without feeling guilty - but thankfully February is a short month!! :D

Do you two have any pets? Not that I am telling you to run out and adopt a dog or anything....but, my guy has dogs and they really do keep him busy and happy when he is alone. THey need attention and love to give doggy kisses and need walks, etc. Plus it makes you feel like you are not alone when another warm body is sitting next to you on the couch - even if that body is a furry four legged creature. Just a thought..

Keep posting and take care of yourself. I am sure you will get this all figured out. ~ Sisu

 

[SupporterInLove]

Sisu and Toria, thank you so much for your feedback and kind words. I read the comments a few days ago (on my phone), but wanted to wait till I had some time to relax on the computer to write back. But when I did read your responses, it made me feel so good and I felt like I wanted to reach into my computer and give you guys a hug.

Of course I would wish that everyone in the world or in a relationship were healthy and 100% happy, but it's comforting to be able to hear from people going through similar situations.

But slowly I am figuring out this whole thing. BF had another BIG breakdown/episode last night. But again, after realizing how badly it made me feel, yet I would stick by him and make sure everything is ok, he says that he promises to try and get better. And said this time he WOULD start going to therapy. Before it was a maybe, but yesterday it was a yes. So, let's see how things go. Take things day by day.