Hi everyone. I've finished two EMDR appointments and its still too early to tell how well this will work. For those who are not familiar with this therapy it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. So it shares a lot of similarities with other therapies in that before you start, you identify negative thoughts, emotions, experiences, and senses connected to your trauma and then you learn coping techniques to help you regain your calm if things get too upsetting. You also find a safe or calm place in your head to think about. Once you are done with the preparation you begin therapy.
You are instructed to think about not only your traumas but the thoughts about them that lead to negative emotions, for example, if you were on a patrol where a buddy died, you may feel guilty and underneath that guilt is self doubt. Should I have survived, why me, there is nothing about me important enough that I survived and he didn't. Those negative thoughts and the incident that occured it should be your focus. You don't talk or say anything, you just get lost in your own head and think about these things. Meanwhile you are instructed to follow the therapists fingers as they move them back and forth in front of your face.
Through my two visits I noticed that I was continually tempted to look away from the therapists fingers, or close my eyes, or look around because following his fingers forced my brain to pay full attention to what I was thinking about. Think about what you do when you are about to tell a story, you roll your eyes back and to the side and you may even continue that eye movement while telling or experiencing your story. By forcing you to follow a moving object and focusing your eyes on something that is "here" with you now, it seems to help your brain to think rationally and objectively about your experience. It also lead my mind to other related thoughts and experiences. Its like taking a journey through your own thought process about each trauma and by staying grounded with the eye movement you are better able to observe your true thoughts and reactions to your experiences.
In just 2 visits I have made a few revelations about my own behavior and physical symptoms. When I talk about my time in Iraq I feel an intense chill that starts in my lower back and can travel down my legs. It feels like ice is flowing through my veins. I can be sweating buckets in 100 degree weather and I get that same chill. After some therapy I remembered having that feeling before. Whenever I went out on patrol or as security on a supply run I would feel that same chill. For those who haven't experienced it, the inside of body armor is about double the air temperature outside. The armor only came about 2/3 of the way down my back so while the majority of me was sweating like a mad man, the difference in temperature between my upper back and lower back gave a constant chill. Now I still feel it 8 years later when I talk about the experience. Also I have linked a lot of my symptoms to anger at one specific soldier who made my life much worse than it could have been while deployed. I still have yet to forgive him and a lot of my anger stems from his treatment of me and his insistence that I leave a post-IED debreifing/therapy session to take him back to the barracks. I feel that the opportunity to appropriately discuss my experience and debrief was taken from me. I'm sure this soldier has no idea of the impact he had on my tour and has had on my life since. My therapist didn't really give me much direction on how to deal with these revelations. On one hand I desperately want to confront him, not to seek revenge or get back at him, just to let him know that his actions were not indicative of a quality soldier and instead of exuding brotherhood and trust he made me uncomfortable performing any duty with him. Not only did I not trust my life in his hand during an emergency, I was convinced he was the type to sacrifice others to save himself. Hopefully I eventually get over that anger and betrayal. I just don't know if its possible without confronting him. Anyway thats all I have for now on EMDR and my experience. If anyone has any questions please let me know and I will do my best to explain.
