Starting to date, excited and worried

[NewDayTomorrow]

Let me first say that my PTSD is so well under control that I almost think I don't have it, except that I really need my Latuda to stay that way. But aside from mild anxiety most nights at bedtime, I am really doing well. However, I have failed every time I try to process my trauma. Burying it seems to work better, it is really distressing to try to work on it. My therapist recommended I try an intensive retreat to focus on it exclusively, instead of letting our sessions disrupt my life. She said if Latuda and burial works for me and I'm doing well, I should stick with that until I'm ready to go deeper. I am changing job roles now and moving to a different campus at work, so maybe next year I will look into that.

The main problem I still have, is that intimacy especially physical, is very very hard for me. Because of that, I had stopped dating for a few years.

I decided to try online dating and I've been in touch with a guy who seems very kind and caring (teacher and coach, with a dog). I know I at least want to meet him. But I am scared to let things go anywhere (not to get ahead of myself, I'm only about to get coffee the first time one day after work this week and we are going to talk on the phone tomorrow first).

I have a couple incidents of sexual abuse in my past, and I have a history of medical stuff including epilepsy that causes psychotic breaks. But it's been over a year since my last hospitalization / seizure, I've done physical therapy to avoid a back surgery, I've found the right drugs for my PTSD and epilepsy, I've been meditating and got a dog to help with my psychological health, I'm getting along with friends, work is going well.

Obviously I want to avoid telling him any of this for as long as possible, but eventually he'll realize I'm not intimate or that I am anxious. I'm not even worried about that yet. I'm just scared to try, because I expect it to be so hard later that I don't even want to start anything with him. And my close friends and my boss are aware that my epilepsy makes me crazy and I need help from doctors to control it, they know I'm a normal person, but I'm afraid new people in my life wouldn't understand if they found that out. I guess I could just not tell him and hope I never go crazy again.

I'm looking for encouragement and advice. How do you get to know someone when you don't want to share your dark side? I don't want to try to be something I'm not but I do want to hide it for as long as I can. Not to mention the usual fear we all have of being loved and loving back. But that's not just a PTSD thing haha, it's pretty common to all of us.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@NewDayTomorrow The problem with trying o bury PTSD..... That only works for awhile. Something will trigger you/it and all hell will break loose. PTSD will rear its ugly head and you will be knee deep to a tall Indian in shit.

Good luck on the dating aspect!!! I wish you well.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Lol. I've been in denial about that but true point. But, if I want to tackle it in some sort of workshop, I need to do that at a time where I feel confident and ready. I'll look into it.

 

[relm1]

That is great that you are open to dating and being in a relationship. Since the person you are interested in sounds kind and patient, maybe you should take things quite slowly and if he puts some pressure, just mention for reasons you'd rather not get in to right now, please accept my slow pace. And then read the situation from there.

There is a woman I like who I met in therapy and she also has PTSD (as do I). On one hand, it is nice to know we understand each other and didn't dig in to the nature or history as that is a very unpleasant place to go but she knows I know she had something happen and I know she knows the same about me with no further details. It is a bit comforting to just be aware of that. I hope it goes well for you. I think he will be understanding and supportive when you feel ready to tell him you have PTSD and hopefully he'll be aware to know to let things develop in your time and you can communicate as much or as little as you want to share without him prying.

 

[anonymous]

Word of advice...

Don't hide for too long.

I had a guy who hid a disorder from me. I had to figure it out on my own. It still pisses me off that he hid it from me. I'm pissed that I wasted time on him. I deserved to know something like that.