Sufferer stressed and worried.....

[stuart.1]

where do I start?...........

This is really hard for me to write. I'm not great with words or expressing my emotions, let alone in writing.

As a kid I had a shit upbringing, my parents both drank and smoked heavily. my mother had an affair and she took me there as a young kid, I was maybe 5ish. I can still remember it now, walk you to the house, and talk you through the layout..... nuts, that was like 47 years ago.

anyway, the end of that ended in my parents trying to kill each other with knives, the reason they didn't was that I was in the middle of them, not good for a 6/7-year-old kid to witness....

I can truly say I had an awful childhood, and to top it off I was sexually abused as a kid from a...... well leave it at that.

I drive as a living, or should I say I used to...

I was involved in an incident last August, a woman stepped out in front of me and my world burst open. all of those childhood memories I had stored away for so long came crashing back. I have been sick since that (well apart from days/weeks I was so bullied into going back in) i work for an awful company, with almost 25 years of service!

after 26 weeks they can terminate my contract which is, I think what they want to do..... I'm so stressed and the only thing stopping me from committing suicide is guilt. the guilt of leaving them behind, the guilt of not being strong enough...

i can't even look at myself in the mirror....

 

[Riley Jones]

where do I start?...........

This is really hard for me to write. I'm not great with words or expressing my emotions, let alone in writing.

As a kid I had a shit upbringing, my parents both drank and smoked heavily. my mother had an affair and she took me there as a young kid, I was maybe 5ish. I can still remember it now, walk you to the house, and talk you through the layout..... nuts, that was like 47 years ago.

anyway, the end of that ended in my parents trying to kill each other with knives, the reason they didn't was that I was in the middle of them, not good for a 6/7-year-old kid to witness....

I can truly say I had an awful childhood, and to top it off I was sexually abused as a kid from a...... well leave it at that.

I drive as a living, or should I say I used to...

I was involved in an incident last August, a woman stepped out in front of me and my world burst open. all of those childhood memories I had stored away for so long came crashing back. I have been sick since that (well apart from days/weeks I was so bullied into going back in) i work for an awful company, with almost 25 years of service!

after 26 weeks they can terminate my contract which is, I think what they want to do..... I'm so stressed and the only thing stopping me from committing suicide is guilt. the guilt of leaving them behind, the guilt of not being strong enough...

i can't even look at myself in the mirror....

Welcome to the myptsd.com community, Stuart. First, I want to express how deeply sorry I am that you've had to carry such a heavy burden from such a young age. Your experiences and memories are incredibly valid, and it's okay to struggle with them. Writing about them here is a courageous first step, and you've shown incredible strength in reaching out, especially when it feels difficult to put those feelings into words.

Your childhood experiences and the incident you recently went through are deeply traumatizing, and it’s understandable they have affected you profoundly. The trauma from your past and the more recent events seem intricately linked, and it makes sense that they have resurfaced in the way they have. The overwhelming stress and the feelings of guilt you’re experiencing are not unfamiliar in the journey many of our members here face with PTSD and CPTSD. You're not alone in these feelings, and this community is here to support you.

I strongly encourage you to seek professional help if you haven’t already. A trauma-informed therapist can provide a safe space to navigate these memories and symptoms. In the meantime, explore the different forums available here on myptsd.com, where you can connect with others who truly understand what you're going through.

Remember, this is a space where you can express yourself freely without judgment. Please prioritize your well-being and safety, and continue to reach out. Your life is valuable, and there are people who care and want to support you through this.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome, @stuart.1
I’m so sorry for your horrible childhood experiences! There aren’t enough words to express my sadness for the little child in you that still suffers. You have found a safe place to write out your feelings and experiences.

Please know that it can get better, even when it feels like it will last forever. If not giving up gets you through to the next day, it IS the accomplishment for the day, it’s a win! And it’s enough!

I practice this every day at this point in my life due to an insane history of not wanting to live.

Peace and Light sent your way!
AKJ

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum. Things sound really tough right now - hopefully this place helps with some strategies to start turning things around:)

 

[parrotthepolly]

Welcome, sorry to hear what you've been through. The part about not being able to look in a mirror hits too close to home for me.

Did you try seeing a psychologist? It's difficult to heal alone with complex ongoing trauma.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I’m low on words, but I see you, and the struggle. I hope you can get something you need here

 

[PlainJane]

Welcome :)

 

[stuart.1]

Thank you, for your kind remarks....

I had to end it early yesterday as my wife came home from work.

yes, I am in the process of having cbt therapy (4 sessions so far) at the moment it is helping.... but i still feel so low, its like the world is forcing me to.....

Anyway, yesterday, I spoke to my line manager. He said it's company policy that if I cannot give them a date for return after 26 weeks, the company will cancel my employment contract with them. (if the company had an insurable item i.e. car or so I would be on full pay!)

so i spoke to my union rep, he said they can do that! even though i have been on sick pay since it happened, apart my holiday weeks i had booked that i was forced into taking. (as holiday)

He said, if my license were revoked by the dvla for trauma, ptsd, and suicidal thoughts i would get a much bigger payout!

my wife would get a bigger payout if I..... I feel like i am almost being forced into a corner and the only option is......

I'm so stressed, i've stopped my meds.

 

[Sideways]

Can you perhaps have a sit down with a lawyer?

I'm so stressed, i've stopped my meds.

Probably not an ideal time to be removing this support, or even adding this level of destabilisation. Perhaps book in with the prescribing doctor to talk this through?