Step Mom Question

[DMerish]

Hi StrongerNow,

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt by her not contacting you. I think coming up with a theory why she doesn't reach out to you is a good idea, so you can put your mind at rest. It doesn't sound like she's intentionally avoiding you. She's has an awful lot going on. Keeping it "all together" with three kids, isn't easy. And harder when there's a medical condition, which she may not be telling you the whole truth about.

 

[DMerish]

Even a stepmother can just be aware that you have your own life...And for this reason, doesn't want disturb your life.... But honestly, I prefer talking to that person I've got a "problem" with, instead of guessing or like someone said, interpret.

Assumptions seem to often get me in trouble :oops: Either because my assumption offends another person, or because it makes my mind twitch not knowing the truth. Even if "the truth" is a reasonable theory that I've come to, for me, it's better than making an assumption.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Well, then do so... This would be the best and direct way: The direct way of talk to her instead of guessing and assuming the

I kind of did months ago. I sent her an email. She came up to see me in June for one day and stayed the night. I underwent a cosmetic procedure and she offered to help me out so my hubby wouldn't have to take that day off of work.

I was so over joyed. I cleaned the whole house the day before my surgery. I got snacks for us and cooked her dinner. I was very excited and nervous and I even told her that I was. I'm a very transparent person.

Since then, nothin *shrugs*

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Yah I don't want to make her feel pushed. Mom, to me, is an action word. I don't mean that like someone has to do things for me. I just think it would be cool to do mother daughter things. I would go visit her and take her out to do mother daughter stuff. She is really funny and I admire her.

But she never invites me to visit ever. My Dad never does either though haha but that's a completely different relationship story altogether!

 

[mamachick]

Obviously, with all this craziness going on in her life, maybe she see's you as a stable in her life and does and thinks that since you have not contact with your own mother, that it is her way of letting you know that she is there. It seems strange that she would not call or email you though and reach out to you in some other way. I would not make assumptions. I think I would just ask her about it. She may be very proud of you and wants to be closer. Do you call or email her? Some people want this blended family at any age. If you dont feel comfortable opening up a dialogue about it, you could initiate the contact with her and make her more of a part of your life if you feel comfortable with that. Maybe she does not really know how.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

There is also the issue that my 19 year old brother and 16 year old sister rarely talk to me. I have since then let that go because I know when I was their age, I had tunnel vision and family was certainly not my first priority lol

Allow me to give you a background story so you understand where I'm coming from:

My mom and dad divorced when I was 3 years old. She claims he beat me with a fly swatter. I remember it vividly. My sister claims they came home one day and he was trying to exorcise a demon out of me. I don't remember that but my sister and I were taken to a foster home where I was abused more. Well, my mom remarried twice. The 2nd marriage physically abused me and I went to foster homes again. Her 3rd marriage, I was age 6 I think, he severely abused me until age 17.

I found my bio dad when I was 19 and went to see him. At first, he was reluctant to speak to me and called me from blocked numbers. He said it was because he wasn't sure because sometimes kids can be vengeful. I just passed it off that maybe he was afraid of my mom. I don't know. Then when I went to see him the first time, he said with his new family, he learned that when he spanks them, if his hand hurts, then he has hit too hard and should stop."

At the time, I had no idea why he even said that. Now, I think maybe he was feeling me out to see if I remember. My dad is strange. He claims to be a super spiritual person but he seems like an emotional cripple. I have since learned that he was passed around in foster homes growing up etc but I only got that info from his sister. He also has told me a lot of bad things about my mom. I had to put a stop to that. He triggers me a lot. He does weird things that I don't really know how to talk about yet. Anyway, I am 29 now. Last year, before I got married, I confronted him with how he makes absolutely very little effort to be a father and be involved in my life, and out of the blue, he casually brings up that there was a question in his mind if I was his because my mom cheated a lot...

I NEVER knew it was even a question. Well, at my wedding, right during rehearsal when I'm supposed to walk to my groom, he stops me on the bridge to ask me which one was my sister because he hasn't seen her since she was 7 and was freaked out about it (my sister who my mom claims has a diff dad wants nothing to do with my dad because she says he abused her...he denies it). I couldn't believe he stops me in the middle of rehearsal to make it about him. I said oh for God sakes dad, this is my wedding. I can't help you with that. I'm sorry. You're going to have to figure that out for yourself. She is right over there!

Since the wedding, I have emailed him and spoke very gently about getting a paternity test. I took the angle of wanting to put the question in his mind to rest because maybe it was the reason he emotionally disconnects from me or maybe I remind him of my mother somehow. It was long and SO carefully worded. All I got back was one sentence about how I am his daughter and he doesn't need a paternity test because he has always thought of me as such but he would take one if I wanted him to. He didn't even offer to pay for it. He left that up to me.

I have since left it at that because I am not strong enough emotionally to be angry and confront some more because I have a huge fear of abandonment. But I want to say then why the hell did you bring it up in the first place? Maybe he brought it up to skirt having to be an actual father when I first confronted him. Maybe he fears that I remember the abuse.

Who knows but as you can see, it has been a pretty sticky situation for me. I have NO idea if he has made shit up about me to his new family and it may very well be a reason they barely speak to me. Or maybe they experience him the way that I do and nobody talks about it.

 

[StarChild]

I reread your posts once again and these three statements caught my eye:

The little girl inside of me feels hurt though.

Mom, to me, is an action word.

I just think it would be cool to do mother daughter things. I would go visit her and take her out to do mother daughter stuff

As far as I know, you're not a child anymore, and you're married, so you're an adult. - So... Could it be, and now I'm assuming, that you still have some needs from your childhood, that weren't met? And could it also be, that you're now expect your stepmother to fill your needs, that your narcissist mother refused to give you? StrongerNow, could it be, that you're still in need of being mothered, and that you're projecting these needs (that your mother should have given you, but didn't) on your stepmother?...

Please don't take my questions as a judgement, because they're not. But while reading these three statements above, I couldn't help but think this would explain your feelings, wishes, maybe even your longing...

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I will just tell you about the weird stuff he does. Heck with it. I gotta get it out.

One time, when I was going through chaos with my sociopathic ex, we came back to a certain state to the DAs office to sign the paper work for witness protection. My father said he wanted to make the drive to come see me before I had to relocate. He said he wanted to be there for me. Well, he did so. Right in the middle of everything, he asks me to go for a walk. I thought awesome! My father is really being here for me. Well, on that walk, he stops me to say,"I want you to know something....(he gets teary eyed)...I have to take part in a court trial as part of my civil duty for jury selection and I want you to know that if anything bad ever happens to me, I love you very much."

And then he kissed me on the forehead. I stood there like a deer in the headlights. I know that what he did could seem so endearing from the outside but I was so trigger by it. I thought it so strange for him to do and say such a thing with such a serious voice and demeanor right in the middle of his daughter being put into witness protection because the guy she is with is a sociopath and snitched on a lot of bad people who now want him dead! Which by the way, I was married to the guy and my father is the one who told me to stay married to him because God hates divorce!

How strange is THAT!?

Then, after I finally decide to escape from the sociopath, I tell my father that i came to the conclusion that God loves me so much that He doesn't want me to stay in this situation. My father says, "I've been waiting for you to learn this lesson. You know, when I drove up to see you in the middle of all of that, your exs step father pulled me aside and said, 'Get your daughter away from this guy. He is no good. Take her home with you now!'"

I was shocked! I said, "Dad. Why would you not say something to me? I didn't know that his own parent thought that about him. My ex lied to me about his entire life and had me believing he was a CIA agent!"

My dad just simply said, "We'll, sometimes as parents, we have to be careful not to intrude on the lives of our children because they might become resentful towards us."

I repressed it because he always has an answer for everything. Much later, when I began to heal, I started thinking My GOD! This was not a normal situation. Why would you not tell your child something like that?! I thought parents are supposed to tell their kids the truth even if that means them getting mad at you?!

And my GOD! Why on earth would I become resentful over someone trying to save my life? I have never responded that way, ever in my life.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Okay I can see my posts have turned into my father lol

No, I am not seeking those things out in my step mother. I merely stated the "little girl" stuff to show you that I am aware of that within me. I am ultra aware.

I'm not asking for any of that, nor am I wanting that. Even adults do mother daughter stuff, right? I'm not taking any offense to what you're saying. I think I'm just releasing emotion here. Forgive me.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

The other strange thing my father did was, I invited him up to stay with me a couple of nights and made him commit to spending time with me. I took him out, made him dinner, we played trivial pursuit and had a good time. Right when he was leaving, he asked me to walk to his car. That meant going off with him alone again like last time.

When we got to his car, he got that same look on his face, that serious look and said, "Some police official sent a letter in the mail asking us if we knew of your exs whereabouts."

I stood there, frozen. A deer in the headlights again. That's all he said. I had to ask him ALL the questions because he provided no detail like a normal person. That triggered me. Then, he started to look away and say "I'm not really sure" when I asked him who it was and from what agency and when. That triggered me again. I said, "Do you still have the letter? i would like to see it if you can mail it to me." He replies, "Im not sure. I may have thrown it out." That triggered me again. I called him on it and said "Dad, when someone brings up something that serious and doesn't remember serious things, it makes me feel suspicious."

Then his story changes. What was first a "letter in the mail" became a. "Oh it was a phone call. Sorry, your Dad can't remember things as well in his old age." He is 53!!! That is NOT old!

So all I got from him was that it was a call, he can't remember the guys name, where he was calling from but the guy was asking if he knew the whereabouts of my ex and that he didn't tell me about it before (I questioned him on that too) because my wedding was approaching and didn't want to bother me with the stress. And then he starts bringing up the past about my mother and why won't my sister talk to him and then he has the audacity to say,

"Well if she ever does decide to talk to me, what if she asks me what I think about her being gay? I mean, I definitely don't want her to think I condone it and" blah blah blah! I quickly interrupted him with, "Dad, don't worry. She came out years ago. She isn't going to ask you that question. She hasn't even asked me that question and I'm her sister!"

And then he left. I dissociated for hours after that. His behavior is very very odd and either I am misinterpreting it because of PTSD (I'm not afraid to wave that flag) or there is something seriously not right about him. Why does he wait until the strangest moments to say things? And the color of his topics really trigger me to death.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

My step mom told me that my father was vegetated on huge amounts of pain medications for like 9 years. Didn't tell me for what but said that she has also had to yell at him to stop drinking.

I'm not looking for perfection here. I know everyone has their own struggles. I know I do.

It is just that things he says to me are very odd and frighten me.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Okay. If you really wanna know, the stuff my father says and does makes me feel like I am with the sociopath all over again. It really triggers me and maybe I've just lived in a fantasy about him all these years and I'm just now starting to get a clear picture of who he is?

But that is so hard. How do you have a relationship with someone like that?!

I feel like an orphan and that's probably why I hold on so tightly and make all these assumptions and rationalizations. Because they make me feel safe. But maybe the reality of it is, I just don't have parents. I will never get that father daughter relationship that I want and I will never get that mother daughter relationship that I want and I just have to accept that and move on.

It is just so painful. It hurts so much! I know I get to stop the cycle and I know I get to have kids one day and give them that relationship that I never got but it still hurts so much. When will it stop hurting?

Thanks for listening. I think I really just needed to get this all out and finally talk about it with real people. I don't think my emotions had anything to do with my original post. Or maybe it is all a collective whole. I don't know.