Hi Stronger,
I think what you're going through is perfectly normal. :hug:
Normal in the sense that when a person becomes an adult (not in the chronological sense, but in the real sense, inwardly) one determines what in their childhood is worthy of keeping, and what in their relationship with each of their parents is worth keeping. In addition, one also becomes much more clear about one's own deficiencies (for lack of better wording) and what talents, abilities, and interests they want to offer the world.
The folks who have had a fairly normal home life do that before they reach their mid-twenties, in general. Those that have had an unusual childhood and/or teen-late teen years, seem to do this a bit later. And then their are those folks that don't do it until much later in life, or at all due to not addressing their "their problems" or because of addictions and/or continued dysfunctionality all around them.
I think what you're going through is also perfectly normal for someone that is relatively newly married. Because, when one becomes connected (marriage) to a partner, particularly when they are younger (and I consider 29 "younger") there is the unconscious wish that their partner will fill in the holes of the heart that weren't filled in childhood. And as one sees that the partner can't or isn't going to do that, then one becomes more aware of the holes in general. Gosh, I hope I'm making sense. :unsure:
So, what I'm saying is that I think you're in the process of separating the wheat from the chaff. Doing this takes emotional energy because one gets in touch with the "little girl" (or little boy) in the process: perfectly normal also. In the process, one figures out more about their inner needs and sometimes they're able to find an avenue to fill the need or a person who will help them. For example: I have three sons (40, 38 and 29) whose father is/was basically an a**hole narcissist. My older boys were around a lot of other men (friends of mine) and extended male family, and they had each other since they were close in age. However, my youngest son missed out on that, and his older brothers simply had other interests some of the time since they were ten or so years older. The youngest son developed a relationship with an older man - a mentor - father figure who is married, has three daughters and always wanted a son. This man and my son work in the same industry, which is what brought them together and, at least in the beginning, fueled their friendship. Then they learned that they had other similar interests: fishing and woodwork.
The previous paragraph was simply to illustrate that as we become adults we learn to fill in the holes with our personal interests (hobbies etc. and connections with others who, hopefully, can provide what can't be offered from our spouses or family). I've read your other posts. You're trying to step out and expand your friendships, get a job, have a fulfilling relationship with your hubby, etc. You're going to "get there" sweetie! You are just in process.
Now about your dad - obviously he's had his share of . . . couple that with things he did that may not have been in line with putting his children first, and you've got somebody that doesn't have a keen sense of when to open their mouth and when not to. Inside him, just as in you, is a little child. Yes, parents will at times avoid saying something because they're afraid if they do then that little child part that belongs to them won't get the love that they want from their own, actual, child. I know that sounds absurd. Parents are supposed to be adults - well, we're not; not always.
Your step-mom - I'm sorry to say that she's naturally going to put her own biological children first, and I imagine with all that's going on with her health, her kids, your father, that she's got a big load on her shoulders. She may indeed feel like she is your mom and you her daughter, but she simply can't put anything more on her plate. It sounded to me like you really like her - I wouldn't give up on her. Sometimes (for a long while) one has to be the initiator, then at other times the other person is. If you can keep the lines of communication open with her (send a card, make a phone call, invite her to lunch a few times a year) my guess is that she'll look to you as someone she wants more of a relationship with as she becomes free from the responsibilities of raising her children.
Drew
