Childhood Stepdad Still Contols My Life

[loui50]

Anyone here that was psychologically abused as a child. I feel like the majority here are dealing with sexual abuse. My stepdad was so mentally abusive and controlling that I've just come to the realization in therapy of how bad it was and how it is still effecting my life now as and adult.

T is trying to help me break free if his grip. But it is hard. I'm scared to break any rules even if it is for a good reason. I don't mean laws, But like societal norms. For instance, I can't go in the exit door at a grocery store. I put my kids to bed at the exact same bed time I had as a kid even though it really isn't working for our family. Ect. It is like I'm afraid to live life as I want to as an adult because I'm still scared that something terrible will happen. I'm TERRIFIED of making a mistake. Has anyone else been through this? How did you get passed it? How do you manage the anxiety? My homework for this week for T is literally to use the wrong doors at the grocery store. I tried last night and I could absolutely NOT go in the exit door. My heart started racing and I felt sick. I was able to go out the entrance after shopping and having all that time to prepare myself. This seems so silly.

T basically says that I never got a chance to rebel as a teenager because I was so scared of my stepdad and that rebellion as a teenager is a vital stage to gaining independence as an adult. Just like you have to learn to crawl and walk, you have to learn to be independent and I never did. I'm scared, mad, and depressed about this all at the same time.

I'm even hesitant to post this thread because it feels like I'm being "bad" by talking bad about my stepdad. I'm afraid someone will see this as stupid. I'm afraid someone will make a negative comment. It is really hard to live this way.

 

[Ronin]

You're not bad and you're talking about your life; you're allowed to talk about your life.

That a bad person happens to occupy a huge part of it is no reason to not talk about it. ;) That's not trash-talking him, at all. It is not stupid, either.

 

[garden]

I think most people here can relate. When you're sexually or physically abused there's always mental manipulation and psychological abuse involved, I may be wrong, but I can't see how you can abuse a persons body without also abusing their minds. When you grow up in fear of even speaking without purpose or permission, you are being abused mentally, and the fear of breaking this rule exists because of the beating you will have to endure if you break the rules.
I think this is part of how the abused adopt the standards/values of the abuser. I am still trying to break free from this myself. I am still identifying the things that are of my family of origin that still are a part of me, and once I recognize what it is, I can decide how I want it to be different.
You're not bad for talking about this, in fact, talking about it, holding it up to the light, allowing yourself to see it from different perspectives, all of those things will help you work through it. I'm sorry that you had to live through that crap. It blows my mind that there are so many ways to hurt each other, even without physical/sexual abuse.
Glad to know that you have a T to help you work it all out. I think it's 'normal' for you to feel those anxieties considering what you lived through, and you can change those things and create a new 'normal' for yourself. We are all striving for that. Best of luck.

 

[scout86]

I used to work for a grumpy old horse trainer who would occasionally scream at his employees, "Dooooon't let him DOOOOO that!!!!"

The first time I heard that (was on the receiving end of that) my reactions was "Huh? what? Oh!" Because I realized I actually had a choice. I was dealing with the situation, I was just trying to be a passenger and keep from getting killed, but there were actually things I could DO, if I chose to do them.

Lot's of things are like that. Including dealing with the rules we've absorbed over a lifetime. I like the homework assignment. I'd keep at that. And I'd be careful about thinking that there are things you 'can't' do. There may be things you can't do 'yet' or 'right now', but that doesn't mean you can't do them ever. There's a difference between truly not being able to go through a door, and not wanting to, or thinking you shouldn't, or finding it difficult, or a lot of other things. Maybe break it into smaller steps? But I truly can't think of a reason you can't go through the door. It's a choice. Choosing not to is ok. Choosing TO is ok too. Practice!

 

[Sideways]

Totally get this. For me, I've started trying to diffuse the thoughts, so whenever I start getting blocked by one of them, I try not to struggle with it. It is what it is - a thought that has become habitual because of the way I was psychologically abused as a child (brainwashing really). It's not good or bad, just habit. So when I notice I'm starting to get distressed by one of these thoughts, I'm practicing telling myself "This is the 'I'm not allowed to' story again". Thanks brain, I know you're just doing what you were taught to do.

My brain still thinks that these thoughts keep me safe. And I like my brain trying to keep me safe. It's just that my brain needs to slowly learn that the "I'm not allowed to" story isn't helpful to me any more.

In my own way, I'm trying to get myself to walk through the exit door. I'm trying to give my brain space to have new thoughts, different thoughts, ones that are helpful to me now. It's not easy though, and for me, my baby steps are just recognising the habitual thoughts when they happen.

Keep at it with the exit door. Your t sounds like a good egg. But remember to be gentle with yourself. It's not easy unlearning this stuff, and even though it's now causing you problems, your brain really is just trying to keep you safe.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Anyone here that was psychologically abused as a child. I feel like the majority here are dealing with...

I really like what your T says, it makes total sense. My dad choked that rebellion down in me at a very early age after I tried to run away as a little girl. He made sure to use mental and physical pain to talk me out of the idea that I could ever exist without him, that I always have to abide by his rules. It is very strange when I watch males everyday that operate just like that. The tremendous joy and pleasure that they experience when they have the power to command others around and to make sure that stupid rules are followed just floor me. How much they enjoy that is just sick, I inadvertently have to think then how impossible such males must be in their private lives too.
Seriously, it is sometimes just like watching a couple of gorillas going at each other trying to establish territory. Sick, just plain sick....

 

[XXbabydollXX]

I have a narc sperm donor who abused me like that as a kid. I left and I am still dealing with my psych abuse and sexual abuse. I'm happy to be independent. I still feel shitty though.