Relationship Still No Contact

[ds112496]

I really thought that I was starting to do better, but yesterday he talked to our daughter and it has been downhill from there. It was a short conversation. Basically him asking if she and I are fighting and if I have been pushing her. He did say he was sorry and wished it didn't happen. At first I thought he might be talking about the divorce, but now I just think he meant he was sorry that I push her.

I know that I shouldn't get so upset when he contacts her. I guess it just stirs up all the anger I have because he refuses to have any contact with me. Besides getting served divorce papers the only thing he has done is send me a Facebook friend request, which I have ignored. I do not understand why he would send it and not try to talk to me any other way. He sent the request about 6 days after he deleted any pictures with me in them from his page. I am beyond confused. I am hurt, lonely, and really miss who he was before he deployed. As the days go by with no contact I am more convinced that he is going to go thru with the divorce without trying to talk about it first. It crushes me that he can walk away from almost 17 years of marriage and not look back. I think it hurts me more because he blindsided me with this and has given me no say in the situation. It's like he gets some sick pleasure out of being in control and knowing that he has hurt me so much.

I am also starting to think that while he was home on leave he slept with someone. I would love to know the name or initials he tattooed on his ring finger. How can he be so callus? One of the reasons he said he is "done" is because of incidents from over 9 years ago. We were both not good to each other back than. I truly thought that we had put the past behind us, but I was wrong.

As I sit here holding back tears I feel lost. Actually, I feel destroyed. I know I need to get "me" back, but I really don't know how to do that right now. My heart wants him to change his mind but my head knows in reality he won't.

 

[blackemerald1]

ds112496 sounds like a man who has found another woman...sorry to be so blunt. But I had a similar experience with my cheating, lying husband who was too gutless to tell me and I found out accidentally. (Explicit messages and pics on his phone). He was so callous and never at home, every excuse to be anywhere without me and I did not have a clue till I found his phone.

10 years of my life wasted over a loser and now he is behaving badly by not responding via legal channels.

I honestly do not know what to say to you because i know so well how you want to find yourself again. It has been four years since my husband left. I left and went to my parents and on from there to several other places. I am trying to find the real me too and I have tried several things, photography, music, drawing and computer courses but my PTSD stuffs them all up. But, they may work for you. I guess if you keep waiting for him to come around and he never does, then you need to take some affirmative action about and on yourself.

Nobody can make another person love them, no matter how hard they try. You are right your heart is shattered and your mind is not working because you are hoping you both can make it back to equal ground. I know that feeling too. It never helped me a bit. I cried a thousand tears and then one day I woke up, I ate some food and I started making decisions myself. I had very little support but I started to move again. I think you can too. Let the tears come, grief is such a strong emotion and feeling abandoned is a terrible gut wrenching feeling. Cry your tears, they are I think therapeutic. Recognize what your heart is telling you and let it come up and out of you, it is a miserable experience but it is part of the healing process I think.

I think you are right about him being cruel to not speak of the divorce with you and bringing up stuff from 9 years ago is a bit weird, especially as you say that you both got through it. I am so sorry that he is behaving in this way towards you. Again, so much like what my husband has done and is doing, cutting off all communication and him being angry at me, when he did the wrong thing by having an affair for two years.

Just be good to yourself, Maybe go and get a massage or something you have wanted to do but never got the chance. I feel your grief and hope you will feel better as time goes by. I know I have not been very helpful but I hope it helps to know that someone else knows how it feels. Stay in touch and good luck.

 

[ds112496]

Thanks. I do agree that there is probably another woman. However, before he deployed in April he and I did everything together. There was no evidence of him cheating. When he got to Afghanistan we talked almost every day. It wasn't until the first part of August that I really started to see a change. He was more distant, had started smoking again, and seemed really down. During this time he also had started doing a 2nd job. All he said was it was a security mission. We also had a misunderstanding about his family coming while he was home on leave. I knew something was wrong, but never suspected that he would come home on leave to pack his stuff and tell me he wanted a divorce. There was no indication that this was going to happen. When I did see him he looked and sounded different. It was like he was someone else.

I do not know what happened to trigger him, but in the 17 years we have been together I had never seen him like this. I know that he needs help and hope that he gets it. I fear that this is the beginning of a downward spiral for him. Because of his choices I will not have to watch it happen, but I am still scared for him. One day he will realize the consequences of his actions. I am certain of that. It is hard, but I need to think of me and our daughter now. He is on his own.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand the abandonment and hard that is to deal with as I'm still trying myself.

Hope things get brighter.

 

[ds112496]

Well, my situation hasn't gotten any better. In some ways I think it is worse. He still has made no attempt to contact me. He did have a Facebook chat with our daughter a few days ago. He asked her how I was holding up and was I sulking. He also asked her if I hade been hitting her or pushing her which is crazy since that never happened before. When he talks about pushing her it is me nagging her to do better in school, not physically pushing her. He told her he was sorry she had to see me and him go through this and that he would tell her why he did it when he got back. It infuriates me that he will tell her, but leave me in the dark. He asked if I had been looking for a job. The other thing that pissed me off was he asked her to ask me for information about our boat loan so he could make the payment, which is already late. The day he started all this I had given him a loan statement because he said he was going to make the payment. I feel that it's wrong to put her in the middle like that....and she didn't even ask me, I read it from the chat.

He also had his parents email me to ask for the boat loan information. They addressed me as Deb, but signed it with their first and last name. Seriously?!? I responded by asking why he couldn't contact me directly to ask for the information I had already given him. They said he was told by his lawyer not to contact me. Again, seriously?!? Why would his lawyer tell him that? I am amazed how ugly he is making this. I am completely in the dark, have no clue what prompted all this, and feel that he will never explain anything to me. If you are that unhappy fine, but at least treat me with some shred of respect. I deserve that after almost 17 years of marriage. It hurts me so much to know that he has so much hate for me. I mean one day it's "I love you" and the next I get blindsided with divorce papers. Plus, he hasn't even responded to my counter petition. It's like he wants to be in complete control over everything and basically crush me emotionally.

It has been almost 2 months since this started and I am trying so hard to keep it together. Some days are better than others. The past few days have been bad. I know that I have to keep going and that time is the best friend I have in this situation, but my heart is so heavy. How could he do this so easily? The only emotion I see in him is hate, except he treats everyone else just fine. He did say that "people get divorced every day and that it's no big deal". Well its a big deal to me! The direction of my life has been completely changed without my consent or input. I feel like our marriage was a lie. Like I he strung me along all these years for his personal gain. I put my career on hold to help him with his military career. He moved me all around the country every few years. All I want to know is WHY?

 

[AlabamaChick]

ds112496. I have no advice to give on the situation because I am going through the same exact thing. We have been happily married going on 23 years. My husband was diagnosed with having PTSD and TBI 6 years ago. He was in therapy and on meds while here...But he stopped taking his meds a couple of years ago...But he is currently deployed also and I can say this whole mess has been a nightmare. The first 3 1/2 months of the deployment was great and the last 5 1/2 months have gone down hill...He has been verbally abusive and very angry at me and our kids. He has said all the same things your husband has even started smoking again. My husband came home for 5 days and all I can say is how creepy it was seeing him his eye movements and hand movements were not even the same....the way he talked the way he acted....it is like some alien took over his body.

He left to go back and I got served with divorce papers....I have went to COC and they simply do not care the simply see it as a divorce and can't get involved...My husband has been in 20 years and they simply do not care at all...and they know this is not my husband because my husband was a family man. He is our world and we were his world and they knew that. He was always talking about us with the people he worked with... I tell you ds I know what you are going through and if you need to ever talk I am here xxx

 

[ds112496]

AlabamaChick...it does sound like you understand.

The latest in my situation is that my daughter told my husband that she wants to live with him when he gets back. He told her he would talk to his lawyer to see what he could do. It's like it goes from bad to worse in a matter of days. My daughter has a friend whose dad is deployed with my husband and I am friends with her mother. They are recently divorced, but it was amicable. Nothing like what I am going through.

Anyway, her ex is a computer guru and found a 2nd Facebook page that my daughter has. I just recently discovered it. It is filled with vulgar language and just plain anger and hate. I was blocked from the page and she told me her dad is blocked too. Apparently, her friend's dad discovered the page from his daughter's page and went to talk to my husband. What I heard from the girl's mother is that my husband now knows of the Facebook page and told her ex that we were going through a nasty divorce and that his lawyer said not to talk to me. Nasty divorce, how can he say that when I have not talked to him in almost 2 months. He has made no communication and left me in the dark wondering if there will be money to pay the bills. There has been no discussion about household issues or our daughter. He even had the nerve to ask our daughter to ask me for information so he could pay the one bill he told me not to worry about. Of course my daughter asked me for it. She is a daddy's girl and thinks he can do no wrong. Her view of him has not changed since he started this.

It infuriates me that he will ask her for information about me and things I am doing because she volunteers the information freely. When I ask about him she says it is between me and him, she has nothing to do with it.

The last Facebook chat he had with her is how I found out she wants to live with him. She doesn't know that I know about it. He also said to her "I love you and think about you everyday, and yes your mother too". Really?!?!?!? Why does he care? According to him we are going through a nasty divorce. It is obvious that he intends to go through with this and not try to work things out. He said he would make up for lost time and explain to her why he did this when he gets home. I, however, will probably never know why he did this. He has completely isolated himself from me and is avoiding anything that has to do with me.

I feel like he is trying to destroy me. It's fine to want a divorce, but I do NOT deserve to be treated like this. I really want to hate him, but I can't. All I can see is who he used to be. I am having such a hard time accepting the "new" person he has become. My heart has been ripped out and stomped on. I feel so alone. I don't know why I care what he thinks or what his parents think. Maybe it's because I feel like such an outsider. Almost like I could be erased from their memory like I never existed.

Now I have to worry about how my daughter feels about me and when she will tell me she told him she wants to live with him. I am trying so hard to find the strength to handle this, but I am beginning to doubt myself. My entire life has been taken from me without any warning or explanation. All of the plans we had made together are gone. I just want to tell him to stopping being a coward and just face me about all this. Stop hiding behind your lawyer. Man up and be a grown up!

 

[nursenurse]

While my situation is different from yours in so many ways, I can relate to many of the feelings that you have. Do not doubt yourself, or your worthiness as a person, or as a mother to your daughter. Things may get worse for a bit, but you have to take the high road. Period. Once when I told someone I had already scaled Mt. Everest, they told me to climb higher. And as difficult as that was, that is what I did, in all aspects of my life.

You have to be able to sleep with yourself at night, and know that you can trust yourself. It does not mean getting bulldozed in the process. It sounds like the divorce is coming, regardless of what you would like, or what the two of you had before. You need to take the emotion out of it, and plan. This is business. You need a lawyer, you need to know all that you are entitled to under the law, and you need your own bank account if you don't have one already. Counseling for you and your daughter. Don't think for a minute he is going to be kind to you, from what you have said. You do not need to screw him to the ground, but you need to know what is lawfully yours, and how to go about getting it. You are strong, you are a good woman, and you can do it. There is light, in the end, I promise, but you have to be diligent and thoughtful about how you get to it. It does not include pandering to him.

 

[ds112496]

Thanks nursenurse...I really needed to hear those words.

I do know that I am a good person and do not deserve what is happening to me. It raises the question, why do bad things happen to good people?

Going thru this will make me stronger, give me character, and reaffirm the person I know I am. The person who was lost under his shadow, afraid to speak up for fear of being yelled at or belittled. As I really look back over the years I am wondering if this is happening because of his PTSD or are these behaviors that I ignored? I even wonder how he was able to keep up this façade for so many years.

Anger and hatred don't just appear over night and come out during a deployment that was supposed to be "easy" since his job didn't involve combat this time. I don't care how much time you have to think....which is what he kept saying over and over the first morning he came to the house to pack and drop this bomb. Is he avoiding me because I am somehow linked to whatever triggered him? Will his anger ever calm down enough for him to think clearly? There are so many unanswered questions.

I am thankful to have found this page where people understand. I will continue to come here for words of comfort to soothe my broken heart.

 

[nursenurse]

Don't spend time waiting for the answers you want from him. Arm yourself with info, know your rights. If he goes for help, if he does whatever it takes to make the relationship work, you can always step back, but if you are prepared, you will not be blind sided if he continues on the course he has taken thus far. In my opinion, his behaviours are much more than PTSD. Chin up, you will make it through.

 

[ds112496]

What else do you think his behaviors could be?

 

[nursenurse]

I can't diagnose here (ethics), however it might be safe to say there may be more than PTSD as a psych issue. He needs to see a doctor, have a proper diagnosis, and proper treatment. At the very least, he is displaying a total lack of regard and disrespect for you. Don't get me started on cheating. PTSD does not give him license for that kind of stuff. He is also manipulating the situation by involving your daughter the way he has, and by involving his parents. This does not signify someone who has your best interests, or those of your daughter, at heart. That's why you need to arm yourself with information as much as you can, because it seems to me he has totally made up his mind. And I would be loathe to take him back on a bunch of "I'm sorrys" without concrete proof that he is willing to go the distance and do whatever it takes to take responsibility for himself and his actions. I somehow don't feel you will get that, not right now anyway. Be strong, be informed. And when bad things happen to us good folks, we come out stronger (eventually) and with something we can't buy - wisdom, love of self, and the knowledge that we really can do anything.