Still Not Making Progress

[Hush92]

On getting a boyfriend....I have so much anxiety around sexual things that I go out of my way to avoid interactions with guys....the only guys I can talk to normally are guys my friends are dating because I know they won't get interested in me....the other day my friend's boyfriend's friend came over to the apartment and I was highly anxious the entire time despite barely interacting with him. My thought process is that if I talk with a guy who's single or that I may be interested in either he will come onto me or we will get in a relationship and then he'll want to do sexual things and I will feel pressured to do them even if he doesn't pressure me.

People tell me "once you find the right person you'll learn how to trust and enjoy sexual things" but I don't see that as being possible right now considering my anxiety is high enough to where I can't even interact with men and avoid them. I don't know what to do. I feel like PTSD has ruined my ability to have a relationship and my therapist is not really helping me figure out what to do about this despite me having brought it up several times.

 

[EveHarrington]

Im curious as to why you want a boyfriend when it's difficult to be in the presence of men. Wouldn't it be better to move forward gradually? I mean first be ok in the presence of men, then be ok with guy friends, etc. It's kind of like trying to run a marathon when you have no training and can't run more than a few hundred yards without getting winded.

 

[Hush92]

Im curious as to why you want a boyfriend when it's difficult to be in the presence of men. Would...

Hmm....actually I didn't really think about that. Taking baby steps....How do I become more comfortable in a guy's presence though? And guy friendships I tend to avoid in case they become a relationship.

I think I have improved in this somehow though because things like being on an elevator with only guys used to spike my anxiety and it doesn't really anymore. I still don't like guys looking at me on the street though....bah...

 

[spacegrenade]

I feel this, tbh. I think attention from someone intimately is so desirable because it's familiar? I think it could be beneficial to bring up that you aren't making progress on this with your therapist. Maybe that could help while you figure this out.

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe start slow.

If you're at a store and a male employee rings up your purchases, try and make small talk. It could be something like a remark about the weather, asking how late the store is open on the weekend, inquiring about a product, etc.

This kind of interaction seems to be less threatening to me as its in a store setting where there's less likelihood of something going wrong. It's a "structured" setting if you will-----the guys job is to help customers and your job is to be the customer. I find there's less pressure for anything more.

This is how I started to get more comfortable with people. I can show myself that I'm ok talking to guys.

Then when you're ok making small talk with employees in stores, restaurants etc, move on to making small talk in public with guys. It could be something as simple as saying hi to a guy next to you in line or saying "it's a beautiful day". Something unassuming, small talk/chat.

I'm sort of in this stage now. I am ok talking with strangers in public but I haven't gotten past this step. Well I have online guy friends but that's a bit different.

My next step is going to be------?

Well probably getting more involved in community activities so that I have regular contact with the same people and can build up trust that way.

And after I'm ok with regular contact with the same guys on a friend level, then perhaps I'll be ok with a relationship.

I'm a ways away from being able to be in a relationship but this is how I'm personally stepping up my contact so that I'm better able to feel safe/ok around others without going too far outside my comfort zone. Each step allows me to become more comfortable so that I can increase my contact level without totally going into a meltdown.